building a better

I have yet to receive a reply.
a simple question – can we be together? 
this is a forever type of question. with only 1 correct answer. 

i am sinking lately. 
gasping for air. my stepmother’s sister choked to death. 
how absolutely terrifying. 
although the sympathy and pure terror is there…
there is also that brewing contempt for a step mother who tried to take every penny my father left me.
i have nothing that belongs to him. 
she allowed me his shirt. 8 years after the fact. 
nothing else. 
his will was changed before his death. and we are blocked from anything that may have brought us comfort.
I have no memories. 

corporate america has got me down. 
working in the presence of ignorance and idiocy.
the dripping of a faucet. constant. unrelenting ignorance.
i need. enlightenment. acceptance. sympathy and recognition. 

just as i need in love.
support. a flawless infrastructure. holding me up. 
permanently. 
the ebb and flow of love. swaying. but that structure holding true.
i so need someone to hold me up. 
especially on days like today. corporate bullshit and anniversaries of death looming. 

the city we live in is growing. 
this wet summer is causing green to envelope us. 
there are blades of soft green sprouting between all the brick streets – from afar it looks like mossy bark. taking me away from city life and city ignorance. and people who walk with their heads low. avoiding eye contact. 
i wonder if you are the same.
it’s so hard holding you up. growing over with green. with blue. with a constant pain that i am perpetually fighting. 
i cannot make you better.
i cannot save you from yourself.
do we leave. in hopes of something easier. more comforting? 
for art museums and nightly discussion? 
for road trips and adventures not yet had? 
or do you stay and work daily for that steady paycheck? nose to the grind.  6am wake up calls. ignorance breeding contempt. and indifference bearing the seeds of more apathy. 

we are lost. 
i need cobblestone streets. and quaint shops. i need art. i need quiet, romantic afternoons, hand in hand in museums. 
i remember walking through the van gogh museum in amsterdam. discussing. not talking at you. 

i am feeling. 
overwhelmed. yet completely underwhelmed. 
the tension of opposites and the tension of your like-mindedness. 

i am waiting for an answer. as there are no deities to decide for me. or give me a holy sign.
there’s just me. my lack of faith. and my indecision.