06/12/2010

ohio humidity, oh my goodness – sweaty everything.
i’m feeling incredible despite it though.
the weight of the air cannot hold back love.
it’s this never-ending subject, a constant muse for me.
i’m sorry anyone who has to read about it from me constantly. i am just overwhelmed, even a year and a half later.

there were a few rough patches.
doesn’t everyone have those?
days when Ace Ender’s music never left my speakers, and the drive to work felt longer than usual, that i didn’t want to drive back to akron.
but.
the longing to be somewhere else has subsided.
the longing for anyone else has subsided.
there are still wonderful memories, like nights making friendship bracelets, reading in bed, playing in the snow…
but nostalgia is just that. and it’s a feeling attached to a memory, not a person.
i think we forget that often.

yesterday we adventured. off to cleveland for open air market shopping – fresh produce, and surprised by 16 dollars worth of my favorite flower – the stargazer lilly. appropriate for me, as my head is always pointed toward the sky. the future.
had out dinner date. spent it talking about how to better reduce our carbon footprint.
plans for a real life.
it’s still so new.
i’ve been MIA for the past month i think… fading in and out of sadness due to a never ending cycle of commutes, reports and corporate meetings.
realized it doesn’t matter. i’m still so young. i can do anything with time. experience builds.
no foreign experience could have taught me that. i would still be who I was a year ago – and simply put, i am not.

i am currently, sitting on the couch in a small fuzzy haze thanks to some delish Great Lakes Beer – my favorite, cuddling next to Roan.
He’s been so calm. panting. the heat is wearing him out too.
I couldn’t resist a little whiney music, as Scott is playing a show tonight.
there’s a comfort in the songs that used to accompany me through my endless, sleepless nights and all the depression.
i am so happy now.
they take on a new meaning.
an aching happiness. it sits behind my ribs, growing, throbbing and is a new ache that is so very much welcomed.
how is it that happiness hurts.
it’s so much easier to wallow, to close to blinds and escape.
i have to face my happiness daily. stare it in the face and kiss it’s cheek, it’s furry chops, sit inside of it.
i think that’s why there’s a certain pain attached to it – having to finally accept it and move away from an old friend like chagrin.

i need an ee cummings poem.
a few simple, beautiful, perfectly placed words to describe this.