the world you love

the last entry i wrote, i made a silent promise to take more time for myself.
to write.
to read the thoughts of those dear friends that OD has brought me over the years. I’d say I’ve been a member for 10 years… under different pseudonyms, of course.
and here i am – over two months later. without a word written.

i am still happy. the unfailing nature of a true connection and domestic bliss – ME? using a praise like "domestic bliss?"
strangely enough, it’s incredibly true.

i recall tears in my eyes as i walked through the international gate at tullamarine.
was it going to be my last great adventure? was i to grow up, graduate, and settle into something i did not want?
i didn’t know that i could have Scott then. or have this little fuzz ball next to me – his name is roan, by the way.
i did not know that, eventually i WILL get on a plane again. i will grip the seat and smile, pretending the takeoff doesn’t scare me. every bump. every lift.
but – i am working. i am in this corporate america – suits on mondays and no casual fridays.
i am oddly at home, receiving a christmas ham or remembering morning meetings.
this does not mean i am giving up.
i am never giving up on that museum dream. or that passion for art and opening my eyes to the world.

i am only 23 years old.
i am only 23 years old.
i have more time to do all the things i want – more than than i can possibly fathom.
right now, i am in love.
i wake up every morning with arms around me and sweet kisses on the head. i wake up every morning to the dog sneaking under the covers to lay next to me.
i come home to notes on the counter. to a bottle of wine. or my favorite stargazer lillies.

why would i ever wander again?  forget the fenweh for now. why would i ever consider that previous loves are ever to be thought of?
previous loves are a constant worry.
his epic thoughts and chivalrous actions, albeit irrational…
they were all for her. or her. or her.
and here i am with the practical life. without  promises, but sensible tokens. (methinks there’s some famous quote like that… aha! Socrates, of course: “Get not your friends by bare compliments, but by giving them sensible tokens of your love.” )

i guess the days of grand gestures are for little boys.
and happiness, home, and real love are just want i need.

those past loves haunt still. i over think. i listen to songs written and wonder how they are.
don’t we all?
it’s certainly why he checked her myspace. or why he felt so much guilt, he told me about it.

adult life.
and here we are.
on the precipice of forever. yet we do not acknowledge it. ever.
i try.
but – my irrational needs put it at the forefront.

i am wonderful.
i have what i’ve always wanted.

‘i will write more,’ she promised herself.

ROAN – IN HIS PILGRIM HAT, we are cruel doggy parents.

THANKSGIVING, with Scott’s parents (but at our house – I cooked my first turkey, and it was delish!) 

 
My little cutie.

please take this update as an offering… i vow to write more.