inside of this

perfection is tested, in nights of never-ending films – playing perfidious images in a loop.
I admit it’s my mind, the thoughts of their fingers through your hair.
the many lips that had the pleasure of touching yours, before mine.

my fear was conceived during rainy nights, while listening to the ambulances race up and down the street.
you were sleeping next to me. when i can’t see you, but feel your warmth against my back.
what if this escapes me and I can’t stop it, i thought.
the fear is immobilizing.
growing with every perfect moment and ex lovers’ saccharine sentiments that are still being sent through texts and emails.
you wonder what would happen, if history will repeat itself.

i have dreams of drowning.
summer sweat soaked skin – a possible reason for the recurring dreams.
legs entangled with yours and lives growing just as intertwined.
the palpitations, the opening of blood vessels, the tenderness between two lovers under the trees or while smelling a flower, the air shared between lungs – hot and sinewy as it returns, recycled, to my lungs each time – they all serve as anchors.
anchors to this life,
that i never thought I wanted.

and now – practical dreams become mixed in with ones of drowning.

the happiness is completely ravenous. taking over every moment, happiness to wake, and happiness to lie in sleep next to you.
i think that the fear of losing this, you, us – takes over my waking and sleeping thoughts.
nightmares of zombies and bottomless lakes.

i will soon be comfortable. and see that i deserve the kisses, the hugs, that "heart that is made in my mind". some day soon, it will all back back around to understanding and acceptance.