04/29/2009

i think your kiss opened the floodgates.
i am feeling valleys and crests of my emotions. more than i had in about a year.
yesterday was the first time, while sitting on a blanket in the sunshine (re-reading thoughts from an old journal started my first semester of college), that i began to let myself feel the host of emotions that were floating around in my veins.
i found a note to myself.
my freshman year RA made us write them and gave them to us when we moved out.
this is my letter, more like a list, to myself (nearly 4 years ago):

September 22nd, 2005

Lindsay is making us make a sweet list.

Friends: There is the Fab Four (which is slowly declining because Erin likes to smoke pot alone…)
Met new friends tonight – Alex, Tom and James (in Douglas)
Alex is Adorable, but Dan. I care about him so much, but things are just so hard. We fight constantly – he thinks Wooster stole me from him.

My Birthday was yesterday – 19 years old. insane.

School things –
-Love my FYS (Prof. Figge rocks my socks)
-Hate French (Prof. Shelley is intimidating!)
-Like Art History a lot… i almost want to switch my major. (Prof Lucey is fabulous)
By the end of this year I want to be SURE about a major.

What’s been hard –
Adjusting – all the reading, boyfriend relations, moral-ness, feeling ‘at home’ – and losing that ‘home’ in Kent.
Alexia’s mom died yesterday. (reminded me of dad – I’ve grown up so much since he died.)
Having organization issues – duh.
Roommate stuff – we only co-habit the room. we’re getting to the "friend stage" maybe?

I want to get to know ALL the girls on my floor.
Things aren’t too bad – Stressful and different.
But it’s home now.

-Want a tattoo…. (you must get one, did you?!)
-How are the fishes? (Mo calls me "fish killer")

Life…not bad… "Welcome home."

-Meghan

and here i am. graduating with a degree in Art History and English.
with love, decisive choices made, and 3 tattoos later…
but it’s not home anymore. rooms with four white, cinderblock walls have been home for four years. community bathrooms. afternoons on the quad and nights wandering campus with friends.
but it’s not home anymore.
but. it is not. home anymore.
i don’t know how many times i have to say it before it sinks in. the safety provided here and knowledge that life will be the same next fall. it’s all slipping.
i’m oddly ok with that.
because now i long for real love. a real home. and a place to root myself to.
and a real reason to do so.
it is not making sacrifices. or mistakes. it’s choices i’m making. and i choose real love, over anything.
i always will.
i’ve waited for ages to have honesty. passion. and intellectual simulation.

"i just want to believe, i just want to believe in us."

i’m too tired to finish this entry.
i’ve been writing it in bits all day.
but i’ve got to attempt sleep.

pulchritude

April 29, 2009

i love going back to old lists/journals and seeing how nothing i ever anticipated actually happens. heh. especially when i anticipate what i think would be the greatest things ever, but then the greatest things ever are the things that happened, ya know? you’ve been so nostalgic lately, lady. i know it’s hard not to be … all these emotions about graduation. *hug* for someone who likes the challenge and the liberal-arts-induced conversations, being out of school is going to be a tough adjustment for you, i think. *hug* i wish you the best, i’m still struggling with that myself. i have to be back in a classroom in september. i must. i don’t think i could wait any longer.

Ceir

I was such a different person back then. This current diary started the summer before I went to college. Weird to look back on it…on how my writing and life have changed. I think I stepped myself out of college gradually. Somehow I never had to use the community bathrooms — how strange! I just realized that! Freshman year we had an odd former dorm-mother room with its own tiny bathroom,and then I got in with upperclassmen (who I ended up resenting quite a lot) in a 4-girl suite, and stayed in those type units until I moved out into my little apartment. So when I graduated, I was already out and alone and isolated from my college friends. Odd to think back on how those 4 1/2 years unfolded….

black.lace

so… did you get the tattoo? *

Rome

I’m always afraid of finding a note that I have written to myself at some point because I’m pretty much an a@#hole and I know I would write something that would make me feel crappy about where I am in life at the present…horrible I know. Really though, did you get that tattoo?

Notes to myself from the past are my favorite things to find; I remember back in junior high, one of my teachers had us all write letters to ourselves ten years from that day & swore she’d send them to us. I think I should, theoretically, be getting one within the next few years.

did you get a tattoo? did the fishes die? heart.

and I always always will choose real love over everything else, and that’s why we’re here.

wow i wish i had done something like that. i guess i can go back and look at my od, but i dont think that is the same. it is really interesting looking back at how much you have changed!