New

Time for a real update.

I guess it’s hard to update when the real news to the answer "what’s new" is, well, nothing. There’s nothing wrong with nothing major being new all the time, I think. But I still feel weird when people ask me and I have no clue what to say. Nir is the same (no, still no proposal), Work is the same. House is the same. Am I supposed to do something dangerous or outrageous just to keep people who ask "what’s new" entertained?

One cool thing did happen lately. I got a job offer from the competition. This guy called up and said "it’s the other paper. I want you to work for us". I was shocked and amazed, to say the least. I’m so insecure about my work. I’m always sure I’m just mediocre and they’re keeping me on because every place needs it’s medicores too… or that someone is nice to me, or that I’ve tricked them into thinking I’m better than I really am, or that it’s just because I happen to work on subjects that my boss likes. But… well, if the competition wants me, I must be doing something right?

I said no. I don’t need any more earthquakes after what I went through last year with the almost-switching-jobs-then-not. It really ripped me apart for a while… wondering if I did the right thing. I wonder how it will turn out in the long run, but for now I think it’s good. I get great feedback from all around and my relationship with my boss is pretty ideal – and I was never one to be the boss’ favourite. Not that I was a troublemaker but I was always just quiet. Now, when the boss calls me to his office, my default is to think it’s for something good! I wonder how long this can last.

I bet the people asking what’s new would have preferred me changing jobs…. I guess I shouldn’t blame others because life does feel a little bit flat lately. Me and Nir went to a pub and saw our soccer team win yesterday. It’s been ages since they’ve won and decades since we’ve gone somewhere to see a game. Usually we stay home and listen to them on the radio – we don’t have a TV, for semi-ideological reasons. So it was really fun to actually "be there" for a change, with all the other fans. Nir was so happy. I was also happy but it was a bit to stressful for me. I thought my heart would burst in the last minutes, and thought "why on earth would someone do this for fun?! It must be wrecking my health!". I’ve turned into such an old lady.

Speaking of health – I really have to loose some weight and cut down on the sugar. I have the most unhealthy diet and I met this diabetes specialist who said that considering my family history, diabetes is just a matter of time for me. I asked how much sugar can I take and he said as little as possible – to treat it like arsenic! I think he was a little TOO uptight but it did scare me a bit. Not enough to stop, though.

I think me and Nir are having less sex since I gained some weight. Maybe it’s just that I feel a little less comfortable myself. I wish I could fix it.

Another thing occupying my mind is my relationship with my friends. I see much less of everyone. I actually have maybe 3 people I contact on a weekly basis. It used to be much more. I miss everyone and it’s not that there’s no time. I just became lazy. I like spending a night in with Nir and rented movies. Everyone else can join us if they want… Giraffe is the closest when it comes to frequency but I feel far from her. Yesterday she came over and announced: "Today was a not good day". I don’t know how to explain why that bothered me, but there was something colonial about it – she didn’t say it was a bad day for HER. She tried to make it into a generally bad day – said that it was a day of "bad energy". Well, for me it was a regular day, but I felt that saying that would be a kind of attack on her values. I’m never sure how serious she is. So I said "well, I hope you’ll enjoy the movie and the company and thing will clear up" and she reacted weirdly. She got that patronizing smile she gets lately and said "I’m not depressed or anything, you don’t have to console me. But today is just a not-good day". I didn’t answer and things got a bit tense. You all probably don’t have any idea what I want from the poor girl, but trust me, it was weird. I couldn’t say that things were good and I couldn’t say that they were bad… anything would have been taken the wrong way.

With Pomme I just haven’t talked for a long time. I miss her. When we do meet, we always talk about work. I have to try harder with her, to meet face to face and talk about something real.

With Spaghetti things are much better than they were. Our relationship had a bit of a breakedown and recovered, though not as wonderful as it was. She’s pregnant – I think it’s good for her because she was sure before that marriage equals death and nothing interesting will ever happen again. Because the only exciting thing is falling in love and having sex with someone new. Well, a baby is interesting, if nothing else. Life changing, too. You can answer the "what’s new" questions. But for now all she has to say for it is that she’s throwing up all the time (way past the date you’ll supposed too), has to stay in a job she hates and she’s getting fatter. She feels cheated, mad that her husband doesn’t have to do all this and gets the baby anyway. I can see that. There’s no way to split this chore half way.

Considering I have no baby… I read a lot. Too much maybe. But it just does wonders for my mood and feeling of health. Just finished reading "History of love". Remem

ber when I wrote here asking for a "happy book"? Well, that was one I got, but I wouldn’t say it’s happy. A lot of death, old age and loss. Not even one relationship that actually goes well and doesn’t end with the premature death of one side. Still – a very much recommended reading for a rainy Saturday.

There’s so much death of loved ones in that book. So scary.

Coincidently, the day I read it, someone brought Kube soup to work, and at one moment, when I was standing alone with this girl, she said "My mom used to make Kube soup so many years ago. It’s been so long since I had it". I said "Suzanne’s has good Kube soup", and I saw that she was looking away and saying "I used to love to fry just the dough, with no meat. It was the best dish in the world". I didn’t know what to say, but after a while I called Pea and asked him "Do you have any reason to think that Tali’s mother is dead?". He said "Yes, her father died when she was really small and her mother a few years later".

So Tali has no parents. I’m her age and can’t imagine being in this situation… and it happened when she was much younger. She doesn’t have a boyfriend yet either, or children… all alone except her brother and nieces. It hurt me to pieces just to think of it. Especially in connection with that book. It shows how much it hurts, so vividly. I can’s believe she has no one. And all I could say was "Suzanne’s has good Kube soup".

I hate to leave you with this sad story. Don’t know where it came from. But if I don’t get going soon, I’ll loose my last chance of having sex this weekend…. And the boy’s sports team just won! That has to help….