Perfect

Regarding my last (real) entry, Leo asked "what is it like for a girl to have a perfect mother, is it intimidating?". I wanted to answer tht in an entry and not in a note, because I feel it’s important to my life.

First of all I have to say that my mom isn’t the kind of person that you see and you say "wow, what a perfect woman, i could never be like that". Not at all, there is nothing intimidating about her. It’s more like waking up when you’re 20, after your punk rebellion is over, and saying "wow, my mom hardly ever did anything that really annoyed me". My dad is also wonderful – i think that there are a few entries here where I got notes saying "what a wonderful dad you have". But while my dad has his ups and downs and his own weaknesses, my mom seems to almost always be nice, generous, calm and happy.

Of course it’s cool to have good parents, but I do think it is also the root of some of my unhappiness, or at least disquiet. When I was a kid, I figured out pretty early that if I was going to keeep walking the straight line that my parents laid out for me, i would end up with a life just like theirs. I tried to fight it as a teen, to be a "bad girl", anything so as not to be *exactly* like them. But I found out I enjoy home, quiet and the company of well=educated people, more than adventure overseas, or high romantic drama, or hanging out smoking weed with street punks. So was I supposed to go against what is natural for me?

When I was older, things changed. I began to realize that having a life remotely close to my parent’s, was not only not something to run away from, but also was it not that easy to acheive. The scholarships, the degrees, their strong work motivation, the happy marriage, the "happy" in general… it seemed i would have to work twice as hard just to get to pretty much the same place.

And, i may have mentioned this before, but one of my weirdest feelings is that I was given something of value – a good happy home and a normative childhood – and that I might not be able to pass it on to my kids. What if I have not enough money or if I don’t manage money well? What if i’m irritatable or if I don’t have enough energy for my child. What if my kids are afraid to bring friends home because the house is a mess? I guess I could have my big teenage revolution by not having any children, but I don’t think I really want that. I’ve been kind of preparing for a child ever since I remember myself.

My mom was talking about her friends a few weeks ago, and all of their dillemas with grandchildren and daughters in law… I asked her if she fealt weird about not having a grand-child yet and she said "I’m patient". She’s never ever mentioned this before, and I know so many mothers that are all over their kids: "give me a grandchild, you mean daughter!" from the day you are 26 or right after you get a boyfriend. But my mom is not greedy like that. She makes it my choice, which is harder. I suddenly realized that I might be making my mom "unpopular" with her circle of friends because she’s out of all the grandma activities… that feels kind of bad. Not to mention that my decision when to have a kid, would directly effect my own grandma’s chance of seeing her great-ofspring. Responsibility!

I was never given responsibility over my parents as a kid. They always made it seem like everything was fine for them and they were getting along grandly. It was never "you were mean to me, I’m hurt", even when i was really mean. It was always "it’s not right to talk like that". If they were low on money it was never "we can’t afford it", always "200 shekel is too much for something like that". I grew up thinking that everything would always be under control. Reqaching the real world was quite a shock.

In other news, I made my first big purchase with my new salary this week. It’s a treadmiil. I always wanted one, sine i was 15. i was sure it would make me finally do some sports, in front of the TV. But I was scared I wouldn’t use it. Well, I’ve reached a point in life where even if i stop using it, my finances can withstand it. I’m amazed.

It’s very rare that I buy something expensive for myself. I almost always wait for a hand-me-down or a brithday. It feels liberating. Right after I bought it, I got myself a new (not very cheap) cell-phone. Now I’m going to get some expensive shoes, and that’s it!