Guilty at Nights

The last few weeks I have been having a series of very creepy dreams. They are all dreams about guilt, telling me I have done something wrong, or that something horrible is about to happen because of my negligence. The first one was about some refugees in vietnam, or something like that – thin, wrinkled people beggin me to tell their story to the world. Wehn I woke up i promised myself to join amnesty. But I didn’t. Then came a series of animal dreams – In one, I was murdering a cat. In another, i was playing with a fish and it jumped out of the water to get me, and when I tried to get it back in, I held it wrong and it died. In another dream I had killed a liitle girl, for no reason. In another I had beat up a man for some social reason and he accidentally died in my hands.
The thing is – I have no idea what I feel so guilty about! I really haven’t done anything really bad to anyone – not in a long time, and never as bad as in these dream. I didn’t go to Denise’s birthday, but okay, I sent her dozens of presents and she seems happy and cared for now. Okay, maybe I should change the rabbit’s water once a day instead of once every two days, but I don’t think that’s what’s bugging me. I’m not really neglecting my friends or my work anymore – what could it be?
Maybe it’s because I don’t have any idea where I want to be in 10 years. It’s the first time in my life where I have no concrete long term goals. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, so to speak. And maybe I feel bad that I repress it and don’t think about it, and this failed feeling somehow traslates into guilt.
Or maybe I should just turn vegitarian. That poor little fish…

It’s amazing, though, what lays in the semi-conciousness. A few days ago I woke up and went to the bathroom, you know – still kind of sleeping. And then I heard a big noise coming from the street, a noise of metal clanging and some big vehicle trying to push through… and through my sleep i thought: “This is it. The moment that devides before and after. The moment after which our previous lives will seem so inocent and happy. It’s here. I heard of it happening to my grandparents, it happened in other countries – now is our turn. Whatever it is – a new government, a enemy army. aliens – is right at my street”. I had a chance to even check and see if I remembered where my passports were and thank God that I had learned another language and had connections in the states, before reason and sanity sunk in and I realized it was just the garbage truck…

And in other news…
Two days ago I called Daniel, my mythological ex, who is now in the states doing his PhD. (You can read about Daniel here: http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=A111493&entry=10109&mode And here: http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=A111493&entry=10106&mode=date. And here: http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=A111493&entry=10103&mode=date
We hadn’t talked in about 6 months, and right when I reached him he said: “I have amazing news, I’m coming to Israel”. And I said: “Oh, when you said that you have news, I was sure you were going to tell me you’re getting married”. And he said “What? Who told you?”.
So Daniel is getting married.
As I am happy in my relationship with Nir, this isn’t supposed to bother me. But of course, it does. You guys understand me, right? There are so many movie scenes about meeting your ex and hearing that they got married – it has to be a universal fear… His soon to be wife is a PhD student of the history of Brazil. Her name is Teresa. How more exotic and cultural can you get, other than, maybe, a harp player? He managed to explain to me, again, why he gets along with her when he couldn’t get along with me. He always says these things as if they are a problem with him and not with me, but I can hear the subtext from under what he says. He was always going on about how he had finally figured out what life is all about and how people should *really* live, and then he would be explaining to me why it wasn’t possible for him to love me, as if understanding that would help him understand his life. He kept coming back with more and more explanations about how to live life and what was wrong with “us” – each time he was sure that this time he actually had it! Exactly like last time, but this time for real! I eventually had to tell him to shut up about the subject, because it made me feel yucky each time. But I guess he forgot. This time his thesis was that the fact that I had never told him to his face what an ass he was, was the reason I wasn’t good for him, while Teresa tells him what an ass he is all the time. Good for her. One of the former explanations I remember was “I want being with a woman to feel the same as if I am with myself”. Um, yeah.
I remember all of these conversations about how assertive I am, and if I am assertive enough and how assertive a person needs to be. I don’t know when assertiveness stopped being an issue for me, but THANK GOD! It was a loop you could never get out of. “i have no self esteem therefore I am worthless” Think about it! I think the cure was no Daniel and a lot less of Spaghetti. They were people who kept trying to build me up, people I kept running to thinking they would make me feel good. But they really only made me feel worse.
During the conversation is was jealous. In Hebrew you would say I was jealous “Of” him but not jealous “For” him. I don’t want Daniel for myself, but I do wish I was where he is in life – sure of the future and what I wanted my place in it to be.