Between

Time: 2 PM

Mood: Okay

Boy: Cute

Writing About: The next stage of feminism

Daily philosophical approach / deep thought:
The world is okay just until you start reading the papers. I read the
paper today after a while and wow  – everything is so messed up in
this world. Corruption and injustice everywhere,,,

Nice thing that happened: I finally get to write in my diary. And i’m going to finally finish the feminism story today. Woo hoo.

Interesting thing that happened: Hmmmm….
why did I add this to my menu? it makes me feel quite dull. Does going
out to a party dressed up as a joint count as interesting? It’s purim
this week (Jewish version of haloween, minus the scariness). I rolled
some whie paper around me, burned it at the edges and put grass and
orange-brown ribbons into my hair… no one got it. “You’re a
cigarette! Something burning! A vase with flowers… on fire!” Nir was
dressed as lines of coke. Easier costume in the world – you wear black
and tape lines of white masking tape to your clothes. Well.. he wanted
something easy to move around in….

Sad news of the day: It
seems like I won’t be able to come to America this april after all. I
was really looking forward to seeing the states again, meeting Emmers
and Zinfandel… Hiking… Shopping… Driving around. I was supposed
to meet up with Denise to celebrate her 30th birthday with her.. since
she doesn’t have any real friends in Canada. We talked about it since
last year – I even cancelled a trip i was planning to Barcelona last
September, so I could go visit her. But then things started to pile up.

First, Nir didn’t get his visa to the states. So we talked about
visiting only Canada – which was okay by us even though it was sad – to
fly all that distace and not see America, which Nir really wanted to
see. But then Denise found out that she had to be at a conference in
New York on the 10th, and Nir started a new job, which meant he
couldn’t take 2 weeks of vacation off. So Denise suggested  that I
would come to the states by myself.
I sad it didn’t seem fair to Nir – to go specifically to the place
where my boyfriend couldn’t go, and come back all full of stories and
pictures.. But Denise didn’t understand this at all! She said I wasn’t
being reasonable and said I was cancelling our solid planss for a
reason that was “illogical” and that celebrating her 30th birthday with
someone close to her was very important to her. I said that if it was
so important, then she might as well not go to the conference – I
didn’t really mean it, i think the conference is really important for
her career. But fuck – why doesn’t what I want count for anything? Some
things are “important” to me as well.
But then I had a long talk with Nir and he said that he really couldn’t
care less if I went to America. But by this time it seemd so sad to me
to just get on a plane for new york with him not with me.. so he
promised to take a 2 day vacation so we could spent a 4 day weekend in
Europe before my flight. I told Denise I would be coming after all and
she was ecstatic.
And then i turned out that the only reasonable flight plan for us was
one that would bring me to New York on the 11th, not the 10… I really
didn’t think it mattered much, you know? Even little kids who have
birthdays on weekdays wait patiently for the weekend to celebrate,
sometimes. But not Denise. In a distant and cold voice she told me that
she had really expected me on the 10th, and that if I wanted to come on
the 11th, I might as well just come to Canada in June.
At which point i stated to cry…. and she got scared. She asked me
what the hell was up? And i really couldn’t explain except that I had
planned this vacation for a long time as well, always thinking that I
was doing this big thing for my friend. I felt good about myself… but
nothing was good enough for her. Nothing had the expected effect… She
said that she was sorry, but that the actual date was very important to
her and she had been expecting to spend the day with someone who cared
about her.. and now she would be alone. I asked why couldn’t she move
all of these sentiments to the 11th? She said she would think about it.

The following few days she sent me a few amails saying that she was
sorry and that whenever I came would be fine and that I should come in
June, with Nir, that it was our vacation together and that she didn’t
want to ruin it… and I did my best to rearrange the flights, and got
one that would bring me to New York on the night between the 10th and
the 11th, but only after midnight. I mailed her, asking if it was close
enough and she said “But i was thinking of doing something special
*that morning*, maybe a brunch or something….”. And then she said why
didn’t I come to her first, and delay the Europe part for after the
states.

I didn’t say
anything about not wanting to get on the plane without Nir. She would
have said it was illogical and sentimental. Not something imprtant like
an exact day of a birthday. I asked Nir if he cared if we traded the
dates around and he said he might as well not go at all and save the
money for a nice June vacation for both of us, and that I should just
go, spend the week there and come back home.
I mailed Denise telling her I was still planning on coming. And then the apartment shit came up….
We’ve been looking for apartmnets for ages. I was sure that by April 1
we would already be living somewhere. But April is very close and Nir
is very picky about housing. We don’I have a place to live and we will
have to leave our current place sometime near the beginning of April.
There is a great possibility that we will have to move on the weelk of
the 10th of April… although it is also just as reasonable that we
won;t…. so i mailed Denise and told her i wouldn’t be able to come
after all.
She said that she understood, that we would do something nice in the
summer. But that she feels that the plan fell through “not for good
reasons. for illogical reasons”. she said that if we really wanted to,
we probably didn’t have to move exactly on the 10th… at this point I
was really tired explaining. I said that this is how it is and i can’t
do anything about it. We didn’t say anything more about the trip.
That exening, her ex-boyfriend Hagad called and asked if “when i was in
new york i could give Denise a birthday present from him”.
I said that I wouldn’t be going to new york, and he started saying “Oh
no, this isn’t good, this is very bad. Oh no”. Turns out he had been
trying to convince her to come to Berlin with him and she said n

o. He
said “but you know what this means, that you wil be alone on your 30th
birthday” and she said “No i won’t. Dew will be in New York with me”….
AAAAAAAAAAAA
Now I feel so bad…. I know she has this conference and she wouldn’t
have gone to Berlin anyway. I know I really tried and there’s nothing
else I could have done. I also doubt, Ireally doubt, that she would
have done the same thing for me. But I kind of promised, and then I
broke my promise and I kept her in limbo for a year…
But I did try the hardest I could, no one else would have. If Hagad
thinks someone has to be there, let him go himself. I’m sure he has
something really important to do in Berlin. Well I have something
important to do here.
Still, i kind of promised. He didn’t.
What can I do? Leave the country when I don’t have a house to come back
to? And considering how messy this all is from every other aspect as
well? I guess I’ll just buy a nice present and send it to canada… and
a big bunch of flowers to her hotel in New York. But that’s not really
what i said I would do…
And there’s another part of me that is really pissed at her. I the 11th
had been enough, if Canada had been enough, I would already have had my
tickets and I wouldn’t have canceled them. But she had to have it
exactly her way and no we both don’t get anything at all. I haven’t
been on a real holiday for a year and a half – ever since Denmark. I
really gave up stuff to get to Denise on her birthday. But i won’t get
there so it’s really not worth very much at all.