face.

I had an interesting conversation last night. 

It was the first time it became clear that life does go on.  I was waiting for it.  Some news that life had changed and I had missed it.  Missed it, but not regretted.  I made my decision.

I worry about him around this time of year.  After that conversation I thought to check in, wish him well.  But I can’t do it.  He has friends for that.  Family.  I can’t make it my place, my responsibility.  And who says it’s needed anyway?

I still worry.  Christmas is hard for him.  He’s never moved on from the year he was so angry he put his fist through the wall.  Never let go of that feeling around this warm season.  I never understood it, but I tried to be there for him anyway.

The first year we were apart he took it hard.  Came over after the day and I showed him my gifts, high on two days of family time, a big delicious meal, glitter, smells, smiles and hugs.  I could see the sadness in his face, but I went on, happy and determined not to break.  He hugged me longer than normal and started to cry.  I asked him why and he said it was Christmas, but I wasn’t there to make it happy.

I know he’ll be ok.  I hope he will.  But it’s difficult for me not to think about.  To wonder if he’s finding his Christmas Spirit somewhere.  To hope he’s moving on, living for tomorrow, making things better.  Letting go of the past, the depression, the hole in the wall.  I thought he must, would be fine, but that conversation made me think.  Life goes on and shit happens, even to him.

I don’t think he misses me anymore, and that’s good.  I’m happy that he’s moving on from me.  And I think I’m holding on to the belief that I can’t tell him I worry about him, wonder if he’s ok, hope he’s happy.  That I can’t do that because it will be worse for him.  I know that’s selfish and self-centred.  But I guess sometimes I’m like that.

It’s just that maybe sometimes I miss my friend.  After all is said and done, we shared many years of love and laughter.  Of tears and anger too, but happiness in there that seemed to make it all worth it.

Life is different now.  I’m different.  I think he must be different as well.  Life does go on, and I guess sometimes you just have to let go and trust that everything will work out in its own way.  Without you.  Without me.