spiral.

I’ve been pretty sick for the past two weeks.  Up and down, never fully recovered. Better one day, worse the next.  Today is one of the worse days.  My head full of water, my nose completely blocked but still runny.  My cough bringing things I don’t think are supposed to be inside me up and out.  It’s disgusting.

I packed last night for the weekend business trip and have my luggage in the car.  Tonight after work I’m to go to Keith’s house to spend some time with him.  He lives much closer to the airport than I, so I’ll be leaving my car at his place and he’ll be driving me to the airport at 5:30 tomorrow morning.  Bless his sleepy little heart.

Things are moving along in his world, too.  Some interesting musical posibilities floating around in the air these days.  We shall see.  Touring?  Yeah, fuck you stable job and mortgage payments, I’m getting on that bus.  But probably not.  But actually, excitement abounds and I’m delighted in the possibility that he may be able to live off doing what he loves.  It’s the dream, baby!

Not speaking with someone who used to be a close friend of mine.  It’s starting to gnaw at me slightly.  I saw something I thought he would find funny and pulled out my phone to text him, but then I remembered.  It’s funny, these decisions we make in life.  And this one feels like one I made many years ago about another boy.  One that I knew was the right choice and would likely be difficult for a while, maybe even a little lonely, but best for me.  The only way to go.  And this is the same feeling I have now.  It’s not healthy to be around someone who makes you feel terrible or can fill you with rage at the drop of a hat.  Or perhaps it’s not healthy to be around someone who has done so much of that already and isn’t sorry about it.

I learned something about myself while we argued and I made that decision to move this friendship from "close" to "occasional aquaintance, but of no effort of my own".  I didn’t try to go with the flow on that one.  I didn’t stay calm and smile and then panic and cry once I was on my own.  There was no need for pretending like what he had done was ok with me.  It wasn’t, and I didn’t care anymore.  I’m worth more than he has any idea and that’s what I learned.

But I have the best man ever, now.  And frankly, I think that’s why I’m ok saying goodbye.  Not only am I worth more, but so is Keith.  And life is only getting better and better.

I secured a roommate yesterday.  I’m so glad to have that out of the way.  Now to wait until closing and sign my freedom away.  On the plus side, my cheques are coming in the mail and once they arrive I’ll be writing my LAST CAR PAYMENT.  That car is entirely mine.  You know what?  I’m a little proud of me.  I’m not shy to say it.  Completely debt free until I sign that mortgage!  Feels good.

This has been the longest day of my life.  I need to stop thinking so much.