hate in my heart – still

Thank you to everyone that commented and/or offered advice on my last entry. I really do appreciate you taking the time to offer insite and suggestions based on your own personal experiences with "baby mama drama" – or life in general.

I was a little surprised as it was fairly obvious several people didn’t read the whole entry – which is fine but…it changes the relevance of the comment if the entry wasn’t read in it’s entirety. An example is someone pointing out that my hatred for Chewie’s ex must be based on my insecurities and jealousy. Yup. You got it. It sure is. I said it right there in the entry, and then I listed all the reasons why I was insecure; which I happen to think are pretty valid.

I guess the only other thing I will say on the topic is that in spite of my deep and painful hatred of this woman, it has not affected my relationship with Isaiah. He is not exposed to my struggles. I am a better person than that. I never – EVER speak poorly of her to or around Isaiah (but unfortunately, she doesn’t hold herself to the same standards and constantly says hateful things to Isaiah about me…), And I never don’t do anything because of her, nor do I love him any less or different because of her. The only thing I struggle with is going to events that she is at. Yes, in the long run he will notice and might wonder, and I am praying that by then I have this all worked out inside of me and am able to go and support him and cheer for him and share his special moments. I go to everything I possibly can when I know she won’t be there. So for the time being, no harm, no foul. Unfortunately, because of how manipulative Isaiah’s mom is, and because of the hateful lies she tries to fill Isaiah’s head with about me, he would be put into a very difficult situation if we were both to be at the same event. As many of you accurately mentioned, Isaiah will eventually know who and what a mother is. But right now, he may think that if he interacts with me when his mom is in the room that she will be angry with him. She has put him in the middle.  I would hate to see him have to negotiate that. And, at the end of the day, if and when that DOES happen, I will make sure that he knows after-the-fact that he doesn’t have to worry about me, and if he wants to wait and talk to me until after the event, I am okay with that.

I know and believe I have every right to harbor a fair amount of anger towards her because of how harmful her parenting is to her child – a child I happen to care deeply about; what she has done to the love of my life and what she continues to try to do; and for some of the direct interactions I have had with her in the past. I am sorry but I just can’t figure out how to forgive someone who is a bad parent. I can’t forgive someone that is only selfishly motivated and does not make decisions based on what is best for a child rather than their own personal gain. Actually, it’s not that I can’t figure out how to forgive someone that causes deep and irrepairable damage to a child – it’s that I WON’T. Forgiveness is not what I need here. All I need is to learn how to build strength in my own heart to go on coping with her existence with grace and in a way that doesn’t impact Isaiah. If one day she has an awakening and becomes a mother and starts acting as such, fogiveness might be possible. But right now, as I watch first hand how she damages her child in many ways – not just as it pertains to me – forgiveness is not an option.

Coping is. And I have coped so far. And I will continue to cope. And I will continue to be there for Isaiah and love him and know that I do the very best I can to be like a mother to him. And have faith that he will one day understand and appreciate having me as a part of his life. But because I am human, I struggle and I get weak. And I wonder why I am a better parent to Isaiah than she is. I hope for his sake that she figures everything out before it’s too late – and so do I.

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For the good news, there was a slight turn of events at work yesterday. My boss called me into his office and offered me a raise. It was so nice to be recognized for the hell I have been through with all the corporate changes and for the fact that I now do the job of three different people rolled into one, thus saving the company at least $150,000.  It wasn’t as much about the money as it was about the recognition and appreciation. When my position was eliminated and I was hired into a different position, I took on another full time position while continuing to do all of my past duties – and for exactly the same pay. That never made sense to me. I was going to ask for a raise at my review in June, but my boss beat me to it. It makes it a little but easier to do a job every day that otherwise stresses me out.

I had watched the new show "Undercover Boss" after the superbowl Sunday night. There was a woman on there that had similar circumstances to mine: she was doing three or four different jobs due to the company eliminating positions. When the CEO found out about it, he gave her a raise and told her she could hire a couple assistants. When that happened on the show, Chewie turned to me and said "I wish your boss would do that for you, honey." The next day I got a raise. The money is much appreciated in light of the fact that Chewie has now been unemployed from the construction field for over 2 years. He is still scraping to get by and struggling to get income. He has a part time position that pays about a fifth of what he made in construction, (and also less than he got when he was on unemployment) but he is doing the best he can.

I feel blessed.