hate in my heart

I need help.

I need to figure out how to stop hating Lyndsey so much. My hatred towards her consumes me sometimes. The reason I am having a hard time letting go of the hatred though, is because I know it is completely justified.

I know that the moment she would decide to grow up and start putting Isaiah’s best interests in front of her own selfish agendas, i would be able to lighten up too. But there is no sign of that happening. So here I sit, deep in hatred for this woman. And the more awful she is, the better person I have to be for Isaiah’s sake. Why does she get to decide how I live my life? And for what? Isaiah will never know or appreciate the sacrifices I have made or will make on his behalf. He will never know all of the times I have wanted to tell him what a horrible person his mother is and kept my mouth shut because it’s not fair to him. He will never know the pain I suffered so that he could have a fighting chance. It’s the most thankless job I am sure. Not even Chewie gets how I struggle.

Remember how we wanted to get married on October 16th because I have always wanted an October wedding; and because that particular date was my grandparents’ anniversary? Both of my grandparents have passed so I thought it would be a nice way to honor their memory and add some significance to my wedding day. Well…we moved the date because we couldn’t trust that bitch. We heard she was getting married either early October or late October. But we moved it anyway because we are smart. And technically the 16th fell on her weekend anyway, so she would be able to pull some last minute bullshit about how Isaiah wasn’t going to be at our wedding.

Thank god we moved the date. Because I just found out she is getting married on the 16th. And it hurts my heart to know that SHE gets to get married on my grandparents’ anniversary. I was fine moving the date for Isaiah’s sake so he wasn’t up to his elbows in weddings in a short period of time. But I am not fine with her taking my date! I know it’s not really mine and people can do whatever they want, but it makes my anger and resentment towards her even stronger.

When I found this out I cried. And it’s all for the sake of us being the better people. Yes, we are the better people and thank God we were because otherwise we would have no doubt lost the battle over which wedding Isaiah would go to. But I am sick of being the better person sometimes. Sometimes I want to let my anger and spite show the way she does. Instead it sits inside of me and eats away at me. Being the better person is grossly under-rated.

I know that when you hate someone so much it is often due to insecurities. And I will be the first to admit that that this is certainly not an acception to that. How could I not be insecure about her? She spent seven years of her life with my man and is the mother of my man’s son. For ever and ever and ever he will be tied to her and be forced to deal with her. But if God forbid something happened between he and I right now, we would fade into the darkness and become distant memories. and she DOES have the ability to control things that I have no say over. Like whether we can change Isaiah’s custody agreement because the one he has now is fucking him up. She just gets to decide and that’s it until we have enough evidence to mount some lengthy and extremely expensive court battle to prove she is unfit and that Isaiah is suffering as a result. How could I not be insecure about that? It’s like I have NO VALUE whatsoever. The good news is that she is ugly. and stupid. And it takes her 5 hours of work to make what I make in one. But that’s besides the point. I am insecure.

The other thing that has brought some of this out lately is wrestling. Now that Isaiah is 6, he is an official member of the wrestling team that Chewie and his dad coach during the winter. And because he is on the team, it is Lyndsey’s responsibility to get him to practices, meets, and tournaments that fall on her nights. In the past, Isaiah just didn’t go because he wasn’t officially on the team. He wrestled here and there, but just for fun. Well, this year, she had to get a copy of the schedule so she could hold up her end of the deal. So that means there is a chance she could be at any match or tournament I would want to go to, regardless of whether or not it was her day. Chewie and I talked about only giving her the dates on the schedule that fell on her days, but we tried that, and Isaiah talks about wrestling anyway. So last time she called and said she didn’t have anything going on, so she wanted to come out and see Isaiah and asked where the tournament would be.

Well, because I am still four years old, I refuse to go to anything where I know Lyndsey will be, or MIGHT be. Until she gets over herself and starts putting Isaiah first and trying to stick everything to us. If she has a spiritual awakening, then we could probably be in the same room together. But until then, I don’t trust her. I don’t like her. And I am not going to watch Isaiah run to her and ignore me either because his mom is more important, or because he knows she doesn’t like me and he doesn’t want to upset her.

Yeah, I would rather not purposely put myself in a situation where my feelings will be hurt and I will once again be reminded of what a thankless job being a step-mom is. I can’t do it. I am not strong enough. I know it’s rediculous. I know I need to get over it before Isaiah starts asking why I never go to anything. But I can’t.

That’s why I need help.

Jennifer Nicole

February 7, 2010

Your hatred towards her seems to revolve around some jealousy – some of your own insecurity – and the fact that you are allowing her to be relevant in your life. I’m sure she isn’t a good person and I’m sure that you ARE a good person, but you’re giving her way more power than she actually has. You can’t change someone else. Stop worrying about her and focus on YOU and YOUR life. Maybeyour perspective will change. Take care

perfectly.imperfect

Note to self: I have to come back to read this.

I sooooooo sooo relate to this. I am not a step mom but I’ve had to deal with jealous ex’s …It’s hard when you try to respect whatever was between them not to mention respect another person as well..a person..But no matter what you do, you don’t get the respect back. It’s hard to feel like you have no control over things too..oh boy do I know all about that. hang in there.

*random* I didn’t really read the whole entry but if you really want to stick it to her, why not just wait until October 16th of the following year? She sounds like such a bitch. Give it right back to her.

You sound like a very strong and reasonable young woman. Yours is a common story in America; the ex-wife, the step-mother, the part about always having to do the right thing. But you know, you CAN do the right thing, and you know you must, just for the child’s sake. What good would it do for him to know how goofy his mother is? He’ll figure it all out when he gets older. Right now he needs a goodrole model of how life SHOULD work, and you are it. I think he is lucky to have you. But PS: I think it was a bad move on her part to use your date to get married. Did she know what it meant to you? Be strong. Be the better person. It’s hard work, but it will pay off. Good luck! (Random reader)

PS: Sometimes, too, forgiving someone is a huge weight off your chest. You know what kind of person she is, and she’ll probably never change. If you could just forgive her (in your heart, not to her face) you would feel so much better. Just something I’ve learned over the years. and now I’ll quit bugging you. (smile)

shroomi

Makes me wonder if my mum ever felt this way towards my sister’s mum. I don’t think you need to worry, you deal with all of this absolutely spectacularly I have to say.

RYN Do you mean from Static Noyze? I had to Google ABDC because I thought you spelled ABCD wrong, haha. But yes, the point of my entry was for you to watch the lady dance to the music from the first video. It’s not that difficult. >_<

Hatred – such a waste of energy. You’re getting married. It would seem to me that choosing to reassign that energy to something more constructive like – your wedding – would be the right thing to do. The best ‘revenge’ is to live well. The path you’ve chosen makes your life all about the person who offended you. This time should be all about you, yeah? Learn to smile and breathe. Take care of you, your love and your future. Surround yourself with friends and family that are supportive. You need not say a word. Those who realize you’re not around will either move a position in order to be a part of your lives – and if they don’t, then do you really want them there? OR…if you insist on having them in your life, embrace what is good in them and learn to live with the rest.

Miapaws

February 8, 2010

Oh but I think you can. Once you realize that you are better than letting that witch have so much power over you, and that your resentment does not hurt her, it only hurts you and holds power over you…then you’ll figure out what to do. You can do it. You might not want to, and you won’t like it, but you can. Because you know the only person you can change is you…and waiting for her to change is like waiting for the moon to come down to earth, you know? **hugs**

midnight muse

I agree with jennifer nicole..this woman has more power than you need to give..take it back! How you say? MJ’S page has the idea…living wellis the best revenge. My mom use to tell me taht the best revenge is to be happy. And she was so right. Be happy when you are around. Do not expect taht the boy will coem running to you, but it does not stop you from yellingto him when he is wrestling that he

is doing a great job! It does not hurt ot say to him in front of his mom what a wonderful job he did and that you are proud of him. There is nothing that she can say. You can also tell him that when he is next at your home you guys will celberate. AND then smile sweetly. It has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you and your relationship with your son!

Swiss Miss

February 9, 2010

You know how similar our situations are. When we do activities that Madison does, we sit near her mother, and converse. I don’t agree with her on anything or how she is a lousy parent, but I have to make an effort for Madison. You’re the bigger person for not making bad comments towards Isaiah’s Mom or to him. One other thing: go to the events, sit whereever, and…

ignore Lyndsay. If Isaiah comes and talks to you…be yourself. Don’t miss out on this part of his life because his mother is a ________. He’ll figure it out soon enough who and what a mother is.