drugs aren’t helping

the last few days have been rough.

partly because they were rough, partly because i made them rough, and partly because of the drugs.

not those drugs! gross. i don’t do those kind of drugs.

but the kind of drugs my doctor prescribed me last week.

she is just pretty sure that i have cysts on my ovaries and thinks it has thrown my whole body off balance. she will know for certain when i have a pelvic ultrasound in the next couple weeks. yay.

but in the mean time, she thought it was a good idea to put me on birth control again. i told her i was terrified of birth control because when i was on it several years ago, it turned me into a raging, psychotic, emotional mess. (and yes, i tried a couple different types of pills over the 5 years i was on it).

i didn’t realize how emotional those damn things made me until i went off of them.

plus, my life hasn’t been all that fantastic lately, so the last thing i needed was something that was going to intensify my already shitty mood.

but the doctor told me my body needed to be regular and blah, blah, blah. so against my better judgement, i started taking the pills again.

well, yesterday i started crying for no reason. sobbing. with my head down at the kitchen counter. when chewie asked what was wrong i told him i didn’t know. when he asked what he could do to help, i told him i didn’t know.

i hate feeling like this. but the doctor threatens me with the fact that if i want a kid eventually, my body will need to be regular in order to conceive, and this will help get me there.

needless to say, my ability to handle anything the last week or so has been pretty much non-existant.

there was drama at my mom and dad’s with money, and i have never known my parents to have money issues. they have always been more than comfortable, purchased what they wanted, travelled all over, and still been comfortable. i was talking to my mom about it on the phone. i guess my dad’s company has been hit pretty hard by the recession, so he isn’t contributing as much as he normally would. so with my mom’s fancy new car, my sister moving back home and being dependent upon my parents financially, and with the impending wedding, i guess they have just been strapped.

my dad had hit a bunch of rocks with my mom’s new car and fucked up the bumper pretty good. my mom was devastated since she has only had the car a couple weeks. i asked her if she was going to get it fixed and she started crying and saying that she didn’t have the money. i asked her how much it would cost to repair. she said the estimate was about $400.

$400?? That’s a lot to broke ass people like me, but to my parents? that’s hardly anything. i guess until now.

then my sister lent (loaned?) her motorcycle to a friend who took it out, smashed into a car, and left the scene. so even though she wasn’t the one driving (she was out of town thank goodness) the cops were looking for her to try and figure out what happened. that freaked my mom out even more, who didn’t even know my sister had a motorcycle in the first place.

nice.

so anyway, i am talking about all of this with my mom who tells me that the reason she can’t afford to fix her car is because she has committed every spare penny she has to the wedding which is (maybe) over 17 months away!!! so i started sobing and told my mom that under no circumstances was my wedding to cost them not to be able to live comfortably. i told her i didn’t want any money from them, and that chewie and i were going to get married no matter what without the money.

then she started crying even harder and told me that she WANTED to help pay for the wedding and that she didn’t want me to be in debt because of it. i told her it made a hell of a lot more sense for us to be in debt because of it than for her to be. she got angry because my family is very traditional in that they believe the parents of the bride should fork over money.

when i got off the phone with her, i lost it and told chewie we should just go to the damn courthouse and get it over with.

maybe chewie’s dad was right. maybe we are stupid for thinking we should get married. maybe we should let money decide whether we can spend the rest of our lives together rather than love and commitment.

i am getting upset just writing about this.

plus things at work continue to get more and more shitty. a couple people close to me here have decided to leave the company in light of the recent re-org. i wish i could go with them. i wish i had something lined up so i could just walk out the door too.

i have been looking, but without much luck.

i am growing to resent this place. and they continue to urge me to apply for the new position which is a position I DON’T WANT.

i know beggars can’t be choosers. but then i just get stressed because if chewie had a fucking steady job, i could afford to go a few months without working while i found something.

so i will grit my teeth and interview for this position and hate every minute of it. i will cry inside and hope that the tears don’t come out during the interview process. i hate being here. this place and this job just aren’t what they used to be.

it used to feel so good coming here knowing that every day i was a part of a program that saved people’s lives.

it’s like we have forgotten what we do.

i hate it. HATE IT.

and my pride is really fucking with me because i just want to walk away. to show these people what a huge mistake they made. to teach them a lesson like some of my friends are doing. my heart has moved on.

but i am bound to this place if they will re-hire me because i have to provide for the family.

i am sick of providing for the fucking family.

since the WEEK that chewie and i moved in together he has been officially unemployed. we have yet to enjoy an existance where we have a two income family.

and i am tired.

and i know he is tired.

and i know he feels awful.

but sometimes i can’t help but freak out on him for not having a job.

and i shouldn’t.

but i do.

and it’s going to get worse.

much, much worse.

sometimes i wonder why i even bother.