moving forward

first i have to say, all of you remind me why i started this diary in the first place.

when i started this diary, many of you know i was not in a good place in my life, and i needed some place to go to escape. i came here and found support and encouragement which ultimately lead me to heal and recover from my circumstances.

now that i have been struggling again these last couple weeks, i am reminded how powerful the support and encouragement from all of you can be.  i owe all of you at least 43 hugs and a night on the town in the city of your choosing. i know i have been a crappy noter lately and that i haven’t been very good at returning the favor, so i vow to get my ass back in gear and stay on top of my noting. i regularily pop in and read your entires from my cell phone, but it can be a pain to try to note from my phone, so i just read.

with that being said, i am in a little bit better place. nothing has happened, i have just moved into acceptance of my circumstances.

i hadn’t heard from the other job after everything had been moving so swiftly. after a week or so went by, i finally caved and called the recruiter and asked her if she knew what was going on.

"oh yeah!" she started. "i’ve been meaning to call you. i have some bad news."

what the hell do you mean you have been "meaning" to call me? does this mean you have known that i didn’t get the job and just didn’t bother getting around to letting me know?

that’s what i dislike about recruiters. they get paid when you get hired. and if you don’t get the job, they don’t want shit to do with you anymore.

so she continued "you didn’t get the job."

i didn’t say anything. and rather than trying to fill the space with something, i let her struggle to fill the awkward silence.

she finally came up with "the interviewed another candidate that had more PR experience than you. and even though they chose not to hire her, either, they ultimately decided they wanted someone with that level of experience in that area."

so what? they wanted someone with more experience, found her, and she wasn’t good enough either? it’s starting to sound really strange. and who knows how much of this the recruiter made up to make me feel better. but it just seems so fucked and cultish to me.

so now i sort of understand why they have been looking for someone for this position for 2 years. they can’t make up their damn mind. and i am not so sure i want to work for a company like that anyway.

again in silence, she said how sorry she was because she thought i would have been perfect for the job and the company, and told me how sorry Ann, the HR person was at this company because she adored me and thought i was a shoe-in.

yeah whatever.

i didn’t really acknowledge anything she had said, and immediately asked her when i would get my portfolio back because i was applying for other positions and would need it.

she told me she would get it for me and wished me luck. she also told me she would keep me in mind for other positions if they came her way.

no thanks. why don’t you remove me from your list.

this whole thing was too good to be true from the get go. out of the sky this opportunity fell on my lap. i didn’t go looking for it. the pay was nice, the location was great, the change and re-focus of my skills and talents were going to be good.

got my hopes up for nothing.

i guess if it seems to good to be true, it probably is.

but, now i will be hunting for other jobs, and will be applying for the open position at my current company in the mean time. it is just time for a change for me.

i’m ready.