for now

i am not strong today.

i have found myself floating through my day sitting in my office overwhelmed with everything and nothing at all. trying to read the damn computer screen through the pools of tears that keep collecting at the bottom of my already tired eyes.
 
i keep getting distracted by something – a phone call, someone walking into my office – and it is making it impossible for me to grieve.

i just need time.

silence.

and to stop coming back to the very place that is crushing my dreams. and my life.

i feel like the stupid girl that keeps texting the guy that broke up with her. he broke her heart, and she continues to pour salt on the wound thinking that somehow, she can change his mind. she has conversations with her friends about how she is too good for him and how he didn’t deserve her anyway.

but if it were true. REALLY true, he wouldn’t have broken up with her. she would have broken up with him and realized that she was wasting HER time. and every time she texts him, and every time he doesn’t respond, the pain gets a little deeper.

a little stronger.

except the difference here is that i have to come to work.
 
i mean, technically, i don’t HAVE to come to work. i could just leave. and say "F YOU." that would feel nice. but the reality is, that wouldn’t make the situation better. because then i don’t even get a severence. i am out on my ass with no money. and if i leave and tell these people to kiss my a$$, i wouldn’t even get unemployment, either.

the whole other job opportunity looks dismal, at best. it was going along quite well. i was told they wanted me to meet with the CEO. i was sure i could nail that because he and i graguated from the same school in the same college with the same degree, only a few years apart from one another. we already had something in common.

but since then, i have been told that everyone is on vacation. in the mean time, the headhunter told me that they asked her to check my references. so she did. and from what i hear from my references, it went quite well.

with one exception.

she asked them about my criminal background.

luckily, they both knew about it and could definitely vouch for me. both said that had they not known my circumstances, they never would have even know what i was dealing with because of how well i kept my personal and professional boundaries, and because of how i never allowed my work to suffer. they told her that they do not consider this an issue or a liability, and said that in many ways the situation made me stronger and more determined as a professional.

then i didn’t hear from the recruiter, which was unusual. so i called to ask how the reference check went. she said it went well. then she said that another applicant had entered the process.

great.

competition.

competition who could very well be just as qualified, or more qualified than i am for the position. AND she likely does not have a criminal record.

who would YOU choose? i wouldn’t choose me either. a

nd needless to say, the company has gone through over 600 applicants in 2 years for this position. so for them to stop and introduce another person to the process, this person MUST be good.

REALLY good.

the recruiter told me that they were trying to "catch this person up to me" in the interview process so they could compare us side by side. but i don’t believe her. my gut tells me otherwise. it tells me that i will be forced to apply for the position here at my current company just so i can pay my bills.

damnit i wish chewie had a job right now.

i have to apply for a job that i am not passionate about. that i don’t believe in. and work for people i don’t respect. and carry out strategies that fly in the face of what i believe this company needs.

i know working at a job when you are not passionate is being a bit picky in this economy. hell, i am lucky i have gotten this far without losing my job, when other people have been without work for a year or more. but its my personal ethical perspective.

i am not interested in working just to make money. the money is a great benefit. but if i can’t get excited about what i do every day, the money doesn’t mean as much. and i can’t get excited about working for and with people that are so horrible. i can’t get excited about working for people that have put me in a position to have to tell my collegues and associates that my position was eliminated because of how poorly the re-org was communicated.

for god’s sake we are the MARKETING DEPARTMENT. if we can’t communicate a simple little re-org, how the hell can we communicate or market anything else?

why am i having to walk down the hallways at work with people coming up to me telling me that they are applying for the open position and wondering if that would mean they would get to work with me. and then i have to be the one that answers that my position was eliminated. and that that’s the position i am applying for, too.

and then they feel awful because they didn’t know. and i feel awful because maybe they would be better at this new position that i would. maybe they would have more passion.

don’t get me wrong. i know hands down there isn’t a person in this organization that can do my current job better than me. it’s where my talents, my knowledge, my expertise, and my experience are. but this new position, this bullshit position they "want me to apply for" isn’t. it’s only a shadow of my former role. it basically strips away everything i am good at and leaves me with everything else. i don’t want to be here anymore.

i was so ready to move on. i was so ready to show them how important i was by leaving and having these people finally understand my value. i was ready to take all my knowledge and my contacts with me. and leave nothing behind. i was ready to share it with a new organization that would give me the chance to focus my energies even further onto things that i love, and skills that i am blessed with.

i don’t need to hear that i still have a shot at this other job. or that my company is stupid for letting me go. or that i need to shut up and deal with it because many people are unemployed.

because telling the girl to stop texting her ex boyfriend doesn’t stop her from doing it anyway and getting hurt all over again.

i need space and i need time.

i need distance.

i need to go somewhere where i know no one or nothing. the only thing i want is chewie by my side in this foreign place. and i want to forget about everything for a few days. forget about work, forget about money, forget about the wedding, forget about my career and my future.

i want to get lost and not care.

i want to spend money and not wonder where i will get next month’s rent.

i want to yell and hear the echo.

i want to sleep and wake up on my time. not on someone elses.

i don’t want to worry about what i might be missing.

or what i should be doing instead.

i want to breathe fresh air.

i want to stop writing post-it note reminders of the shit i have to do and the bills i have to pay.

i want no responsibilities.

for a day.

or an hour.

____

as i sat here looking through pools of tears, i went through my mail. and yet again, i received a letter from my ex. timing is everything – you son of a bitch. why not?

why the hell not add one more drop of fuel to the fire.

he told me he was sentenced to 20 years in federal prison. this is good news. but the letter hit me in a weak spot.

he told me goodbye. again. a

nd i cried. right here in my office. all over my fancy pens and my to-do list, i cried. probably not for him.

i don’t know him anymore.

but for the fact that in lite of the situation i find myself in, his presence in my life seems so quaint. so irrelevant.

i didn’t think that anything could dwarf the pain and hurt i felt when i was with him.

i didn’t think anything could cause me to feel any less certain or any less secure. or any less safe.

i was wrong.

i replay the scene in my mind when he punched me in the face. his fist hit me so hard i hit the edge of the entertainment center. i fell to the floor. and on my hands and knees, i crawled to the patio door.

and in the middle of winter i put my face in the snow.

not because i wanted to stop myself from feeling the pain, but because i didn’t want to get blood on the carpet, risk my roommate finding out, and get him in trouble.

it replays in my head over and over. sometimes out of nowhere.
 
i definitely wasn’t safe then. why do i feel less safe, now?

____

i need hope. i so rarely have found myself in my life without hope.

that is what is so scary.