Dos Anos

Two years.

Deux Anes.

Chewie and I have (almost) been together for two years. 07/07/07 was the beginning for us.

The thing about Chewie is that…he is my unexpected love.

He is the person I never dreamed of being with.

The good friend, "but never anything more…"

That’s what I told myself when we first met, anyway.

He was the best friend.

And our relationship seems to exist on these moments.

These moments that can carry us from one place to the next – so powerful we have forgotten about everything else in between.

A moment when I reach out and grab his hand and look him in the eyes and tell him to stop worrying about whether he will do what makes me happy.
 
I tell him that he is not supposed to be in this relationship;
in this love and "know how to do it."

Because how you do this love is WAY different than how you did that love over there.

And it’s okay not to know.

It’s okay not to have all the answers.

It’s okay to learn.

We have the rest of our lives to figure out how to love each other.

And he sheds a tear out of relief. Out of appreciation. And out of finaly realizing that we don’t have to be like anyone else or anything else he has known. We can be "us."

And we can find our answers together.

It’s moments like that. In the quiet darkness in the early hours of the morning.

The moments where our connection is so deep and so strong that it’s painful.

Moments when he squeezes my hand back as if to say "thank you. Thank you for letting me be imperfect and giving me the opportunity to grow and learn."

He needen’t open his mouth. Because his eyes, and his grip say it all.

There is a depth to Chewie that is hard to reach.

On the surface he is every guy. He loves football, fast cars, and beer. He likes to fish and wear shirts that don’t always match his pants. He could live on pizza if it was his only option; and he doesn’t like to "feel" any real emotion.

But deep within him…is this guy…that gives me these moments.

These moments that fill my heart.

Moments that change how I live my life and how I think about our love.

Our love.


A love that is uniquely, and imperfectly, all our own.

He has been told all his life not to be "that guy." You know, the one with feelings. The one that is sensative and caring. And deep.

Because that means weakness in his father’s eyes. And to this day Chewie has been desperately trying to make his father proud.

And he never will.

 
Not because he is not worthy; but because his father is impossible to please.

His father will never know the side of Chewie I know. The kind, gentle, loving man.

I feel sorry that his father will never know. Because if his father could get away from himself… the Chewie I know…the one that exists in these "moments" when he is free to just be…

THAT is someone to be profundly proud of.
****

Chewie went out for drinks with a buddy that is in from out of town last night.

I went to bed.

And some time later, Chewie came home to a dark house.

For some reason, I woke up and rolled over. I heard someone in the house and saw the glow of a cell phone getting closer to my room.

Through the door emerged a man.

I screamed and burried my head under the pillow.

And then without looking again realized it was Chewie.

My heart was beating a million beats a second. But I was no longer scared.

And after realizing he startled me in my sleep, he came over and put his arms around me and kissed me on the back of the head. With my eyes still closed and my face burried he whispered "it’s me, baby. I am home."

And I fell back asleep.

****

Our relationship is all about the moments that lift us through life; that carry us from one day to the next. The moments that are magical and impossible.

Yet so real.
It was magical and impossible that I fell in love with him.

But I did. And it was lucky and terrifying that he fell in love with me.

But he did.

And we have had two years of moments. Moments powerful enough to drown out everything else.

It’s possible.