Sticky Glue Rant

To the idiots that put label stickers on the shit I buy at target:

The other day I purchased a plastic cutting board, one that I could use and then throw in the dishwasher. I opted to go this route instead of using the wood cutting board in my kitchen, as I believe the plastic dishwasher-safe model is more sanitary for cutting things like chicken and pork.

When I got the cutting board home, I attempted to remove the label sticker that you plastered right in the middle of the main cutting surface. I started peeling and thought the lable was coming off easily. I was elated that I wouldn’t have to scrub until my fingers bled to get the damn sticker off.

Well, sure as shit, I got the sticker about a third of the way off and the fucker ripped and stuck to the cutting surface. You know what I am talking about; the actual picture on the sticker was gone – but the white shit attached to the adhesive was still stuck. So I tried to begin peeling from another corner.

Same bullshit.

Do you have a fucking camera in my house where you watch me from some remote location as I struggle to get your sticker off my cutting board? It must be hilarious to you. Some sort of sick joke.

But as I get older and more crotchety, the shit pisses me off beyond belief.

I actually believe that moms were put on this earth to help us get these stickers off of shit. I used to get toys, books, games, whatever – that had these same damn stickers on them and when I lacked the patience as a 7 year old to sit and gently coerce the sticker off, I would bring it to my mom whereupon she would sit ever so patiently and lovingly and remove the label for me.

That woman was a saint. It’s for this reason alone that the thought of having a child devestates me. No, I will not sit and peel those stupid stickers off your shit! Nor will I hold your jacket and toys as we wander through the mall.

Anywho…

Now I have a damn cutting board that I have to soak and scrub.

So I bring the fucker to the sink and soak it in warm soap and water hoping that will help lift the glue you bastards put on my cutting board so it’s easier to scrub.

The following day, I go to the kitchen and with determination and dedication, I reach for my scrubbing sponge to go at the mess you have created for me.

I am vigorously scrubbing the surface when my thumbnail violently rips a chunk of flesh out of my other hand. Gee. maybe if you contacted the folks at 3M, they could get you some adhesive that doesn’t require violent removal attempts and the ability to bench press 300 pounds to get the damn thing off.

Anyway, I do what seems to be a decent job scrubbing all of the gunk off. I then, for good measure, throw the thing in the dishwasher, to get any lingering goo off that I may have missed.

After nursing the wound that I inflicted upon myself whilst trying to scrub the glue, I went to empty the dishwasher. Now, I am just sure I will be able to use my new cutting board.

I even washed the load on "Heavy Load" instead of "Normal Wash" to be safe.

Much to my dismay, as I pull the thing out of the dishwasher (with my right hand, since my left hand is bandaged) I can see all of the goo residue on the cutting surface of the cutting board.

And, the funny thing is, this cutting board was designed so that you could only cut on one side. The solution was not as simple as just flipping the bitch over and moving on with my life.

You couldn’t have put your sticker on the backside? Where I won’t ever cut? And where I could have left the damn thing on and spared myself hours of anguish and physical pain?

The cutting board was now back in the sink, soaking in hot water and soap once again.

Perhaps you have thought about using a less-sticky, more easy to remove adhesive for your fancy labels? I know you certainly care about your UPC code, and your lovely instructions on how to use the cutting board.

But I don’t. ESPECIALLY after I have purchased the thing. I don’t need to be reminded of how to use a cutting board (if I did, I probably shouldn’t be buying one) and I sure as hell don’t need to know the UPC code 00130456002.

I don’t even know my own phone number.

What’s next? A tag on the fucking cutting board that says "removal of this tage violates federal law?" I have enough pillows in my house that threaten to sue me if I remove their tags. I don’t need cutting boards to do the same.

Maybe you claim that the less sticky, more easy to remove tags cost a lot more to produce because the adhesive is so spendy. Well, hell. What could two or three brushes of "fancy glue" cost to adhere a label to my cutting board? An extra 30 cents? Maybe an extra 90 cents? Or maybe perhaps only a penny or two?

You have my permission to go ahead and make the investment and charge me for the difference. I will happily pay 16.47 for my new cutting board instead of paying 16.14. And for those that can’t afford the extra cost, I will happily stand in the cutting board aisle with my change jar and pass out change to any consumer considering such a purchase.

No really. I will. As a public service for my fellow Americans.

Because after soaking, scrubbing, re-injuring my hand, and re-washing the cutting board, I still can’t use it.

And I also have garbage cans, tupperware, glasses, chargers, plates, microave door windows etc. all over my house that still have (most of) their damn labels on them.

Give me a break.

Please.

Use better glue. Especially when something is designed to be used with the consumption and/or preparation of food and bevarages. 

Or just swap glue with the storage container company. Those labels practically fall off without even touching them and I couldn’t care LESS if my storage containers that hide in my closet all year long have labels on them.

For the good of human kind, get it together.

My mom lives too far away now for me to ask her to always peel the shit off my stuff.

And get it together so that one day I may have kids and happily peel their shit off with ease and grace. I will be a hero in their eyes, thanks to you.