January 20,2010

Well I should be getting ready for bed but instead I am going to try and do some writing therapy and hope that I don’t end up having a panic attack during the night.  I rarely have such attacks and last night was the worst.  I resorted to taking another sleeping pill and a larger than normal dose of ativan to try to call down.  My entire body felt like it was in a vice and i was being squeezed to death.  I don’t understand where it came from.  I had a quiet evening after my rant on my coworker, I had calmed down fairly well.  I ever poured myself a glass of wine and it didn’t even taste good.  Don’t know what’s happening to me.

TOmorrow I have an appointment to see the surgeon who did my knee and I strongly believe that he will release me to go back to work.  I really hope so.  And if he orders therapy then I will call my family doc and ask her to start the back therapy that I did last year to try and get my body back on track all at once.  Then I will consider taking a vacation the last week of Feb and the first week of march.  Maybe getting away from all that has happened is what I need.  I have even considered driving to FLorida, but I can fly so much cheaper.  I just need some sunshine and fresh air.  All the silly people around here thinks that because the weather has been in the 40s that spring will be here soon.  Come on people, we are still gonna get more snow and cold weather before spring arrives.

And after seeing the doctor tomorrow, Mom and I are going stove shopping.  Since she has been taking care of me so to speak, she knows that my stove is not working well and she wants to buy me a new one.  So tomorrow we are going to the sears outlet store and see if we can find a scratch and dent stove.  And I suppose we will eat a cracker barrel.  She has not been allowed to eat at certain restaurants while her husband was alive becuase he would always find  fault with either and employee or the food.  So she and I have been hitting some of her old faves and we have both enjoyed it.  I am trying to bring her sense of humor back.  She used to laugh often, now she laughs very little.  Kinda strange.  I don’t really want her to buy the stove but she is insisting.  I feel bad for her spending her money on me and not really doing the same for my brother.

I even took her out to the farm that bro and I now are partners in.  She had not been there since she and dad divorced back in 1975.  I am trying to be the peace maker and get her to reconnect with all of us.  She holds a big grudge against my sister in law, because sis in law is the sister of my stepmother.  I know, it’s a weird family connection. And she has little contact at all with her grandkids and her great grandson.  Maybe she may find a ray of lite in the end of the tunnel.  Who knows.

Okay, I’m going to quit now and read for a while hoping that my sleep is less disasterous than last night.  I need some comfortable sleep.  GOod night and God bless.