Dancing from the Soul

It’s funny.  I look at myself as a dancer, and I realize just how far I haven’t come.  I haven’t improved as a performer, not terribly much.  Instead, I’m stagnating, keeping down the same path and never showing improvement.  Yes, I still throw my heart and soul into every performance, but it’s starting to lack something.  That spark that made me so unique is starting to fade into a repetition of familiar moves.  I’m just not so inspired anymore.  Worse, I’m just not improving.  Stagnancy will be the death of me, and eventually, I’m going to lose the ability to dance from my heart and soul.  It will just be boring and dead.

This was me in 2008.  I spent the performance doing the same repetitive moves.  Granted, I only had about a week to familiarize myself with the music and figure out how to dance with it.  By the time the show actually happened I was exhausted from an all day workshop.  The music cut out at the end and was supposed to come back in, but never did.  However, it wasn’t a bad performance, all in all.  I could have done so much better.

This was just a few months ago in October.  I’m still using the same general moves.  The veil piece in the beginning wasn’t terribly bad, but I could obviously use some practice with veil.  However, the rest of it is pretty much the same thing all over again, set to different music.  There’s not a whole lot of variety.  More importantly, there’s still the same bad arms, particularly that right one, which is understandable, considering I broke my elbow and it’s been weaker since, but I still should build the strength back up.

These two videos, almost a year apart, have highlighted a lot of my flaws.  Yes, in the second I have far more excuses being pregnant and having attended a workshop earlier in the day.  There’s still that pang of bitterness when I watch it, even though that’s perhaps the performance I’ve felt best about in my whole life.  The other girl was there that night, and while Oz hadn’t made his decision until a week later, I still feel this overwhelming desire to scream just knowing it.  However, that aside, they’ve both definitely taught me a few things about myself as a dancer.

In the coming year, I’ve got a lot to work on.  I want to get back in my routine of spending two hours dedicated to bellydance practice.  I’d like to spend one hour every morning dedicated to yoga.  I want to work with a variety of videos at the very least.  I won’t have the same four hours of troupe rehearsal and classes on Sundays, but I can always spend Sundays doing something else active and fitness related, like practicing poi or maybe even getting bold enough to do the whole combat thing with the gamers.  The four hours on Sundays did a lot for my dance skills, but I think just strength building in some means would be a worthy compromise.  I also need to make an effort to learn more moves and combinations, expand my abilities as a dancer.  I need to get out of the bad habit of doing the same stuff over and over again.  I need to add some substance.  I need to put in a couple new things that really impress.

To be fair, I’m not saying I’m a bad dancer.  I think I’m a pretty good dancer, all in all.  The point is more that I could be better.  I have room to improve, so I might as well improve, right?  I have potential to be so much better than I am.  If I can, then why shouldn’t I?  Shouldn’t I strive to be my best?

So this year I’m going to work on being the best I can.  If I make it, wonderful.  If I find that it’s not improving my student base or ability to get work, then I’ll just give up and go back to being a hobby dancer that just dances for the fun of it.  There’s no shame in that.

~*~Raven Night~*~