Blinded by Your Own Reality

Dear Friend,

I heard you lost your job today.  This is the second time you’ve lost your job while working for this same company.  I don’t know if you were quit or fired, nor do I really care.  It wouldn’t matter in the end anyway.  This is just one more example of your bad track record when it comes to jobs.  I’ve never known you to keep a job for more than three or four months, so why should this case be any different?

I suppose that’s not true.  When you were being used by your ex’s parents as a live-in nanny and help in the office, you kept that position for a while.  Then again, from the sounds of it, you really weren’t working so much.  You had to keep an eye out for their kids, sure, but you didn’t actually have to do much for them other than feed them.  It was a cake job, much easier than actual parenting.  True, you didn’t get paid, but from the sounds of it, everything was provided for you.  You were also given money to go out with, get your license with, and it was a way to pull your life together.  Hell, they put you through school for massage therapy, a career you’re not even working in right now.  It sounded like a pretty sweet deal to me.  However, they started leaning on you too hard so you left.  I’m sure it also didn’t help that you’re still in love with their son and it hurt to hear that he was having a baby with his wife, a woman that’s not you.  I can understand that situation getting awkward.  I knew it would, but didn’t tell you because you wouldn’t have wanted to hear it.  You’ve always been the sort to ignore solid advice because you think you know so much better, even if there’s enough evidence to the contrary.  I suppose it’s easier to chase after fantasy than deal with reality.

I’m sure it didn’t help how I found out you lost your job.  You told Oz that you lost your job because he was asking for the things you’ve been promising him back.  You have stuff that belongs to him, of that, you don’t deny.  It also comes out that your boyfriend is out of work as well.  Apparently you’ve been carrying your family, paying your rent and bills on your part-time, seasonal job at a department store.  You claim that your work was only seasonal, but everyone knows seasonal employees for Christmas aren’t let go until after Christmas.  I’m sure I could drive down to the local chain of that department store and get that very information from the management themselves.  I have no idea how you’ve been expecting to support yourself and your boyfriend on part-time, seasonal work.  Honestly, it’s none of my business.  All I can say is that you should have known that wasn’t going to cut it and started looking for something else.  Then again, maybe you haven’t lost your job at all and are just using it as an excuse so Oz won’t complain about his personal belongings anymore.

This is how you’ve always been.  If you lead someone along for enough time, they generally give up and you can take the lazy road out.  Eventually people will forget about stuff of theirs that you owe them.  In time, people will forget about how hurtful, immature, and lazy you’ve been and they’ll always come back to you.  You just let things fester, figuring that it will all work itself out in time with minimum effort on your part.  I’ve seen this pattern repeated over and over again in the time I’ve known you.  I’ve watched you take jobs that you lose as soon as they become too much effort for not enough perceived reward.  I’ve seen you use friends for as long as you can manage, then drop them as soon as they’re no longer offering you the benefits they did before or you find someone better.  You jump from relationship to relationship, always looking for someone who will be what you want them to be, but you drop them as soon as someone better comes along that has the features this current boyfriend is missing.  You’ve never been much of one to work for a friendship, relationship, or even for a better life.  The really sad part in all of this is the number of people who let you get away with it over and over again, ignoring the fact that you’re only using them because they’re convenient and available.

To be painfully honest, you’re just making the same mistakes over and over again.  You’re never going to find your Prince Charming and your happily-ever-after because those things simply don’t exist in the capacity you want them to.  You want someone who will support you while you sit around the house all day doing minimal work to cook, clean, and keep after the kids.  You want to send your kids to private schools because you find them better.  I wouldn’t be surprised if you wanted to hire a nanny too, that way you wouldn’t have to be responsible for your kids during the day.  You’ve made the choice not to heal your psychological wounds from abuses of the past.  Instead, you choose to be the victim.  Yes, I say victim because you’re allowing your past to control you.  Survivors do what is necessary to overcome the pains of their past and lead productive, healthy lives.  You’re looking for some unattainable reality because you simply won’t accept the mold required to attain that reality, nor do you have the means to get it.  If you want to be some wealthy housewife, you’ve got to have the money to get exposure to the rich people you seek and you’ve got to have the look.  Gold digging just doesn’t work when you’re covered with tattoos and are adding or removing the piercing of the week.  If you want to be a gold digger, you’ve got to aspire to the look of glamor girl, something you don’t even begin to have.  You would need to have the tattoos removed, grow out your hair to look more feminine, lose most of the piercings, and while you’re at it, about fifty pounds.  Let’s not forget that your breasts need at least a lift, if not a lift and fill because you’re not exactly a busty woman.  Your fashion sense would have to lose the taste of thrift store and you would actually have to pay attention to the trends.  In general, you’re not going to bag the kind of man who can support the life you want going for the kinds of men you tend to go for.  One would think this would be evident in the number of your past significant others who were unable to maintain a job, never mind a job that would support the lifestyle you desire.  Between dating men who can’t give you what you feel you deserve and your own inability to support yourself, I think you’re looking at a lot of negative trends that need to change before you can even start to live the life you want to lead.

This is how I feel about your situation, you need to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and you need to find out who you really are before you can start pursuing goals in your life.  The reason I bring up the first is your obvious lack of self-love.  I don’t mean that in a way that implies anything sexual.  I&nb

sp;mean you need to give enough of a damn about yourself to make sure that everything you need, not want necessarily, is provided.  You need to care enough about yourself to seek out healing.  You need to make the choice not to be victimized by your past, but to become a survivor of it.  You need to make the decision to flourish as the person you are.  You need to decide that you deserve better than that which life has passed your way.  That’s when the second part comes in.  Once you’ve realized that you deserve better than you’re letting yourself have and have taken the steps to heal, you start to see what you really want in life.  That’s when you start to understand why you keep going after things you know won’t provide what you want in the end.  You’ll understand the negative patterns in your life and instead look for what you really want.  You’ll start to find realistic goals that will honestly make you happy, not give you what you think happiness should be.  Perhaps you’ll find your little dream of finding someone to support you so you can be a stay-at-home wife with children in a fancy private school isn’t at all what you want.  A whole world of options open to you when you start to care about what truly makes you happy, not what the easy road in life is.  After all, who really wants to aspire to the easy life?  Wouldn’t it be boring to have everything you want paid for?  Wouldn’t it get dull to do nothing but sit around the house all day with only a handful of chores and after-school time with the kids to keep you busy?  Wouldn’t you start to long for a different kind of life, one in which would be more enjoyable?  Who knows?  Maybe you’ll find you love the life of a housewife, doing chores, sitting around all day, perhaps dedicating more time to your knitting, raising your kids.  Some people really do find that fulfilling.  However, with the way you’re always looking to get out, go party, and live the active life, I can’t see that fitting your lifestyle.  Then again, that need to go out and experience all life has to offer may just be part of that false happiness you’re trying to achieve.  See what I mean about not being able to see what you truly want in your life until you really understand yourself?

I know all these words will fall on deaf ears (or no ears at all as I may not feel the need to waste the time to actually send this), but I say all of this not because I want to be a parent, to tell you how to live your life, or anything else.  I say all of this because I do care, Goddess knows why.  All you’ve done is use me as someone to complain to when there’s no one else around, use me as a last-ditch option when there’s no one better to spend time with, and pretty much blow me off when there was something I really wanted to talk about, or if I just wanted to chat for the sake of chatting about life in general.  You’ve never been a good friend to me.  Actually, in many occasions you’ve been quite the bitch and deliberately hurtful towards me.  With the way I’ve been treated by you, no one would blame me for not caring, for sitting back and watching you make more of a mess of your life than I already have.  In most cases my true friends think I should write you off as a lost cause that isn’t worth my time and energy for all the times you’ve blown me off, abandoned me when I really needed someone, and treated me as though I weren’t worth your time unless it was convenient to you.  I guess you’re lucky that I’m not that kind of person.  No, I’m not going to tell you what you want to hear, not ever unless it’s the honest truth.  I’m not going to lie to you.  I’m not going to go along with whatever you’re feeling just to make you feel better.  I’m not one of those friends that fluffs your ego or tells you it will all be alright.  Instead I do what it takes to try and help you in life, even if it means risking losing a friendship.  I have the courage to stand up to you and tell you when I think you’re being dumb.  Perhaps I’m the first and only person in your life that actually has the gall to tell you the way it is and not just play to your emotional needs, but that’s how I always am and always will be.

In short, I really think you need to take a good, hard look at your life, really look at it.  You need to look beyond the surface wants and desires.  You need to look beyond the view that’s been warped by your own emotional baggage.  You need to leave your painful past behind and turn to something more healthy, positive, and realistic.  It’s your choice whether you follow the path of misery or choose to grow up and start taking responsibility for your own life, your own actions, and making choices that will lead you to a life of happiness.

Your friend,

~*~Raven Night~*~