The Great Purge

Thinking ahead about moving to Boston has helped me undergo a great change.  There’s been so much stuff in the house that I’ve been holding on to for so many reasons that it’s just time to let go.  Over the past year or so I have now packed up, donated, or intend to donate 15 trash bags full of toys to Goodwill.  How did my children accumulate so much?  I’ve also donated 7 bags of clothing and a bag of blankets.  I will likely be pulling together an additional three or four bags of toys by the time I’m done.  Then there’s the bags and bags of trash, between things that are broken, damaged beyond repair, or just aren’t needed anymore.  That’s a lot of excess baggage, quite literally, for one person to be dragging around for so long.

I think the hardest part in all of this has been sorting out the toys.  I look at many of the toys and think how much my kids would still play with them, if there weren’t so much other stuff to distract them.  I think about how much I like the toys they have, even though I don’t really count when picking their favorites.  I think about stuff that used to be favorites that’s just been buried so long that my kids likely don’t even remember having them.

The hardest of the toys to let go were the Fisher Price Little People.  Corde used to love the castle, cars, and everything else, though she never really played with the people.  Beekee loves the bus, but doesn’t really play with the rest of it.  I feel really bad getting rid of them all, but realistically, the kids don’t play with them that much.  They take up so much space between the structures (the only part the kids really liked), the vehicles, the animals, the people, and accessories.  There’s just too much.  It seems so sad to get rid of them, since I’m sure the kids would play with them more if they had less other stuff to distract them, but in reality, there are other things the kids like more.

My house is slowly being purged of blocks, baby toys, and kids’ meal toys, which also feels really nice.  Neither Corde not Beekee really got into blocks.  They would play with them for a while, but neither was really all that interested in building.  There were so many other things they could be doing, like playing with other toys,  The baby toys could be kept, but many of them were things my kids never played with as babies.  I’ve noticed there are tons of baby toys on the market that no baby I know has ever played with, yet parents keep getting them for their kids.  In reality, I don’t need toys in the house that the new baby likely won’t ever play with.  As much as the cheap kids’ meals toys make the kids happy, they’re cheap toys and break easily.  On top of that, they just take up space that toys the kids like more could be using.  It’s really time to purge all the stuff that seems pointless to keep around.

I’ve even taken this as an opportunity to get rid of toys the kids have that I just don’t like.  There are a couple toys that Corde adores, but they’re noisy and give me a royal headache.  She’s got a Dora toy that asks you to put things in her hand.  The activities are way below Corde’s age level, but she still likes it anyways because it’s Dora and it makes noise.  She’s got this puppy that you’re supposed to hook up to the computer and it grows.  It was bought for his brother, but he was way too young to be able to use it at the time.  Somehow Corde ended up with it.  It’s a cute toy and all, but it talks constantly and I can’t stand it.  I feel a little guilty getting rid of toys that she loves, but I think it’s more important that I don’t want to strangle my child for the toys she plays with than keeping toys she likes.  She makes enough noise on her own without having toys that make additional noise and racket.  Of course, these are also the toys that she refuses to put away and will play with for hours on end.  The same repetitive phrases or sounds tend to make me want to strangle someone, and that’s never a good thing.  Honestly, I think it’s great that I can take the stuff that drives me nuts and just get it out of my house after all this time.

Then there was all the trash!  I had no idea how many broken toys had just been shoved in the closet to be put out of sight until they could be fixed, which they never were.  There were a ton of books that were ruined that had just been shoved away somewhere too.  Things were stained beyond repair.  Some stuff was so dirty it wasn’t even worth attempting to get clean.  There were papers and documents that had long since outlived their usefulness to hold on to.  I’m sure there are several more that I’ll find much to the same effect as I start going through the boxes of paperwork.  There are post cards and letters from people I don’t even remember.  I’m sure at one point I kept them for a reason, but now I wonder why I even bother.  They’re meaningless to me and I have no idea why I keep lugging them around.  In truth, it’s just more stuff that I’ve been moving without any particular reason to move them.

This may sound horrible to some, but I’m even thinking of burning my old journals.  I’ve been reading through them again.  The more I read into them, the more I realize I’m just not that person anymore.  I’ve grown up and moved on.  I can’t even identify with that point in my life.  Not only do I feel this need not to be dragging them around anymore, but I feel like it’s finally time to let go.  When Oz and I got together, I told him I was trying desperately to put my past behind me.  It was time to let go.  Now that I’ve come so close to losing him forever, I realize that it’s not only time to put my past behind me, but time to stop holding on to it.  I need to let it go and move on with my life.  It’s time to purge.  A part of me feels a little sad about getting rid of my old writings, but at the same time, it feels like it will be an incredible release.  It’s really time to move on, grow up, and get on with my life.  It’s almost like the idea of burning those old journals is more of something to release me from my painful past than a sad loss of memories I once had.  Will I some day wish I could look back on them?  Maybe I will.  I doubt it, as I haven’t wished to look back on them thus far.  The only reason I have is this encouragement that I should.  I shouldn’t just let it all go.  Even so, I think it’s time.  I think I’m ready.  More importantly, I think I need to do it.

In all of this, I think there are some things I really just need to resign myself to.  My house will always be a disaster.  No matter how organized I try to be, it’s just not ever going to be flawless.  I’m not one of those people

who can run a perfect home, nor will I ever be.  There will always be a handful of dishes in the sink.  There will always be a floor that needs to be swept or mopped.  There’s always going to be laundry dropped where it shouldn’t be or a coat on a chair instead of in the closet.  My knitting and sewing projects will always be left out in places they shouldn’t be.  There will always be CDs and DVDs left out of cases on and around the television.  There will always be books left on the table or on the couch.  That’s just how my life is.  I don’t care enough for this element of perfection.  I want my house to look lived in.  I want this house to look like a place that a family belongs in.

However, I’ve also learned that allowing my house to be a little bit messy doesn’t mean I have to drown in clutter.  Letting my kids have things they enjoy doesn’t mean they have to have have every toy they’ve ever gotten or liked.  It’s healthy to go through and purge every once in a while.  Better still, I don’t have to live with someone who believes that things can just be shoved in a closet and ignored because it’s easier than dealing with them.  There is nothing wrong with letting go, and over the past eight years I’ve been with Caelan, there hasn’t been nearly enough of that.  Even with the bed bugs and living in a shelter, we’ve somehow managed to hang on to more than we could ever need.  It’s overwhelming and I feel like my stuff owns me after all this time.  I have to live, work, and breathe around my possessions and they no longer offer any enhancement to my life.

Being with Oz has done some wonderful good for me.  This whole separation and break-up incident has been wonderful for both of us in many ways.  He’s had to completely reassess the way he works with the kids.  He’s had to take time to figure out what he wants in his life.  I had to figure out a way to let go.  I had to get rid of all this excess baggage I’ve been carting around for years.  I needed to get the things in my life under control so that I could have a happy, clean, home to live in.  I needed to restructure my life and be ready to move into this relationship as a person, not just someone controlled by everything so overwhelming in their life.  As much as I was the person I wanted to be, my home was kind of taking over every moment of our lives when we were here.  Oz was overwhelmed by the mess and I was overwhelmed by the stuff.

Things are going to be challenging now that Oz is moving back in.  He’s staying with the neighbors, at least that’s what he says, but most of his stuff is back here.  I’ve got to figure out where to put all his clothes and everything else.  It’s kind of chaotic to have just gotten rid of so much stuff only to have to fit more in, especially where I don’t even know where half of what I’m holding on to is going yet, but we’ll make it work.  This is a challenge I’m going to have to face if I want us to be back together again.  It’s not going to be perfect, but we’ll make due.  Things will work out in the end, somehow.

However, on a funny note, Oz was complaining that as much as he’s staying with the neighbors, he seems to be spending all his time here, and he’s not ready to be back here this quickly.  Yes, part of that is me.  Before he leaves I want to steal him for as many hugs, kisses, and cuddles as I can get.  It hasn’t really sunk in yet that he’s right next door and not going anywhere.  It hasn’t really hit me that I don’t need to be afraid that when he leaves, he’s not going to be coming back.  A part of me is still afraid that he’s going to change his mind and leave again, or that he’s only playing along because it’s obvious the person he wanted instead of me didn’t really want him.  Once I get used to that, I know I’ll be less clingy.  However, when he got up yesterday, he didn’t want to get out of bed.  He just wanted to cuddle with me.  When he finally did get up, he was content to sit on the couch and read his magazine while eating the breakfast I made for him and watching a movie with the kids.  Yes, when he got home he spent a few hours with the neighbors playing video games and hanging out by the fire, but when he was tired, he said he was going to go to bed.  I figured he’d be heading up to his bed at the neighbor’s house, but no, he said he was going to the bed of narcolepsy.  He didn’t even ask if it was okay to sleep in my bed!  He just assumed!  How rude!  What if I told him that I wasn’t going to allow him to sleep on my bed?  Okay, I’ll be honest.  I don’t think I could tell him to stay out of my bed.  I enjoy having him there too much.  Still, I think it’s cute that after all this complaining about not wanting to spend too much time around me and get back to moving too quickly again, he’s slept in my bed every night since he’s decided to move back and opts to spend time with me more often than not.

And on one final note, he’s doing a million times better with the kids.  I’m really happy to see the way he’s handling things around here.  I think the time off was something we both really needed.  It may not be enough yet, but at least it’s better than nothing.  We’re working on it.  Things will get better.

~*~Rave~*~