Blindsided Again, I Should Have Seen This Coming

Oz and I had a fight yesterday.  He was being deliberately hurtful.  I’m not exactly going to go into detail, but let’s just say I’ve come to the conclusion that my family and I have been too harshly judged by him.  It all started because I asked him not to go to a Halloween party because I was sick.  He decided he was done.  We were supposed to talk when he got home.  He was supposed to be home by dark so we could take the kids trick-or-treating.  Well, it’s long past dark.  It’s well into the next morning and we’re creeping on until noon.  His phone has been off since he left.  I’ve literally worried myself even sicker than I was.  I’m about ready to call this a loss and resign myself to having this baby alone.

As much as it hurts, a part of me is already starting to deaden myself against the outcome.  I want him to walk in that door offering apologies and excuses.  I want to hear that he was stupid and he wants to be forgiven because he’s realized how important I am and how much I’m worth fighting for.  I want to hear him tell me how much he wants to be there for this baby.  Unfortunately, I know that’s not what I’m going to hear.  I’m going to hear that he’s packing up his stuff and moving out.  Then I’m likely going to hear that he hooked up with this girl from work.  Maybe it’s better that way.  Maybe I’m better off without this cycle of lies and him hiding how he really feels until it’s a convenient way to force me into letting him do something he wants to do.  I don’t need these childish games right now.  I need strength and support.  I need people who can really be there for me.  I don’t need someone who is causing enough stress to put me into labor early.

Thankfully, I’ve gotten some kind of positive affirmation.  I got a call from Scott out in Cali.  He asked me how the kids have been.  He’s really impressed that Corde’s completely out of control tantrums have cut back.  He’s reminded me that Corde writing on things she’s not supposed to and getting loud and wild in the house are all normal behaviors for kids.  Beekee’s squeals of joy when he’s playing aren’t being bad or annoying.  He’s just having fun.  While my house isn’t spotless, it’s always been better than a lot of people he’s known, and the house is cleaner now than it used to be.  He thinks it’s a sure sign of how very much in love I am that I’m willing to change for Oz.  He even mentioned that if he wasn’t with the woman he was with, he’d consider himself lucky to have a woman like me, problems and all.

As much as I hate to say I need the ego fluffing, it’s good to hear that other people think Oz is screwing this up.  I’ve heard Scott say he’s being an idiot and Freya thinks he’s just being an asshole.  I’ve had people agree with me that if he’s going to be like this, he doesn’t deserve to be in this child’s life.  They think he’s acting like a child and really needs to grow up and face reality.  He has not only a woman that’s willing to change for him, but a future with his child if he stays with me.  If he leaves me and I don’t stick around, even if he has partial custody, he’ll never likely be able to see the child.  Besides, he’d be paying out half his paycheck in child support to two mothers every month, which he really can’t afford.  It’s just good to know that other people think he’s just running away from a difficult situation, which having a child definitely is.  It’s stressful.  I know that.  However, they don’t seem to think I’m the one screwing up.  They think he needs to grow up and deal with the life he’s chosen.  They think he just doesn’t know what he’s losing.

Honestly, right now I don’t think he’d make a very good father.  I’ve seen the way he is with the kids.  He ignores them.  I’ve easily spent close to $200 on him in the past two weeks that could have gone towards buying a really nice car seat.  I could have bought a crib with that money.  I could have bought some new long sleeved shirts for Corde and winter coats for the kids for that amount.  If I tallied up all the money I’ve spent on him since he and I have gotten together, I think I’d be shocked at how much I’ve spent on him.  It’s so difficult when I look at how far all that money would have gone towards getting myself back up and on my feet.  If I didn’t have this baby to worry about and the birth center, I would be that much further on my way.

As easy as it would be to blame the baby in all of this, I just can’t.  It’s not the baby’s fault.  Yes, Oz is spazzing about the pregnancy.  He’s running, terror filled into the night at the thought of having this baby.  It would be so much easier without it.  However, it’s not the baby’s fault.  The baby did nothing to deserve this.  Even if it’s painful for me to do so, this baby will be brought into this world with as much love as I can muster.  This child will be well loved like both my older children are.  Yes, it will always hurt to know this child may never know it’s father if Oz doesn’t pull it’s head out of his ass.  It will always hurt to look at that child and know that I lost someone I truly love because he was too childish to grow up and be a real father.  While this child may have chosen us, depending on the belief system you follow, knowing full well how Oz was likely to react, I can’t blame this baby.  Babies are innocents.  Children don’t deserve to suffer because of their parents’ mistakes.

I’m just scared.  I’m terrified, really.  I don’t want to do this alone.  I want him to come back to me, even if things don’t last long after the baby’s birth.  I want him to work with me to make things better, so even if we can’t end this in a happy relationship, at least we can end it on good terms so we can be there together to care for this child.  I want him to try and make this work for the baby.  I don’t care if we end all this as lovers.  All I care is that we end all this in a way that we can both be there, loving and supportive, for this baby.  I just can’t do that if he’s going to be running from me all the time.

I don’t know.  I think I need to do something to get my mind off of all of this.  It’s hard on the kids.  It’s hard on me.  I foresee spending the entire day in tears.  Corde keeps asking who the baby’s daddy is going to be if Oz leaves.  She keeps asking me why Oz left and isn’t coming back.  She thought it was her fault, but I had to explain to her that it wasn’t.  It was no one’s fault but his.  Poor Beekee has been upset and has asked about Oz several times yesterday.  They know what’s up.  I just don’t know how much more of them asking about him I can take.

I think I just need to get the hell out of this town an

d start over.  I need to find somewhere I can start over without the painful memories.  If he and I can’t make this work out, I don’t want to be hanging around this dead-end town.  I need a chance to make a fresh start.

~*~Rave~*~