I Don’t Know What I Did…

Dear Friend,

I don’t know what happened.  One day you were always looking to hook up and hang out.  The next day it seems like you were trying to avoid me.  If I knew what I did wrong, maybe I could change it.  I just don’t understand this sudden turn of events.

At first I didn’t think much of it.  I’ve been really busy.  I haven’t had much time for anyone else.  I had a show to think about.  Then it seemed like there was just so much to do.  Before I knew it, nearly two weeks had gone by and we hadn’t so much as talked.  I did think I had done anything wrong.  I don’t know.  It was just so strange the last time you were here.  You showed up with our other friend without so much as a phone call.  Then you just grabbed the playpen you left here and took off.  You told me you would call about your classes, but you never did.  I can only assume you’ve found someone else to watch your kids.  I can’t imagine you just showing up and expecting me to watch your kids.  At least I can’t imagine anyone with sense doing that.

Perhaps it’s because I mentioned that I was worried what people would think about you and our other friend.  As you well know, he’s married.  He may say his wife knows about you, but he seems to be spending all his free time at your house.  He’s talking about moving in with someone, yet never talks about moving his wife down here.  She never calls or texts him anymore.  He seems more wrapped up in spending time with you.  I think any woman I know would be suspicious of that.  It wasn’t meant as any kind of insult to you.  I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to get himself in trouble with his wife.  I also wanted to make sure he wasn’t playing you, stringing you along with being a good, caring man, yet in the end being just another asshole.  I care about people.  In truth, I didn’t want to see you hurt.  I don’t think you would do anything to mess up his life or your own.  I just needed to hear from him what the situation was.  It wouldn’t be fair to his wife either, and I’m sure you understand that.  He’s talking about moving in right down the street from you, and still no talk about moving his wife in.  It just sounds fishy.  Can you blame me for worrying about the whole thing?  Maybe I should just stop caring.

I was going to send you a MySpace message today to check in about watching your kids, but I noticed you were no longer on my MySpace.  I guess you deleted me.  I know I didn’t delete you, so that must have been the case.  Honestly, I don’t care about that.  What’s MySpace other than an online social networking site?  It’s not a testament to real friends or anything, but I was surprised that you had deleted me without so much as a word.  The last person who did that turned out to be far more childish and drama filled than it was worth.  It was all because I didn’t call to check on her when she was sick because I got busy, needed time away from her drama, and in general forgot.  In this case, I can’t imagine what it could be.  If I’ve done something wrong, I’d love to know.  I can’t become a better person if I’m left in the dark as to how I’m driving people away.

When I called, you didn’t answer.  I’m not surprised about that.  If you’ve deleted me from MySpace and have been avoiding me for so long, I can only imagine you’re mad at me for something.  I honestly don’t expect you to call me back.  I don’t expect you to talk to me ever again.  I’d be surprised if you even spared the time for pleasantries if we ran into each other again.  However, I’m trying.  I’ll call now and again until you just tell me to stop calling.  If you don’t want to talk, I need to hear it from you.

The worst part of all of this is how our children are going to suffer as a result of this situation.  My daughter really liked spending time with yours.  She loved hanging out together.  She thought spending time with your daughter was the greatest thing, and it was good for her.  They both seemed to have a good time together.  Yes, I felt bad that you were always offering to take her overnight and I couldn’t offer the same.  I wished I could return the favor.  I would have gladly watched your kids for free after the amount of time you took my daughter, at least for a little while.  Instead my daughter has to lose a friend because of something I can’t even explain to her.  I don’t know why I should tell her you’re not returning my phone calls.  All I can hope is that the coming school year brings her close to her friends in Girl Scouts again.  At least she’ll have someone she enjoys spending time with.

Maybe you just don’t like the way I keep my house.  Yes, it wasn’t always clean.  It was actually quite the disaster area until recently.  The fly problem in the kitchen has yet to be solved.  However, it’s getting there.  I can’t blame you if you don’t want to hang out here because of that.  We could meet at neutral places, like the park.  It doesn’t always have to be at my house.  Maybe it’s because there were a few days where I just knocked out and didn’t answer your calls.  I’m sorry.  I’ve been really tired.  I will admit, one of those days I just really wasn’t up for hanging out with you and your kids.  They’re loud and wild and I really just wasn’t feeling well.  I was looking forward to a calm, quiet day at home.  I knew if you were to come over here it would be anything but.  If that’s all it took to make you walk away, I’m sorry.  I should have answered the phone and told you how I was feeling.  I’ll have to be on myself about that in the future.

I also wonder if something our other friend has said has poisoned the situation.  He talks a lot.  I do pick on him a lot because, to be honest, I don’t always like the way he acts.  He’s more my boyfriend’s friend than mine.  I’m a little suspicious about the situation with his wife.  Who could blame me?  If I were in her shoes, I’d be more than a little suspicious.  That whole thing is none of my business, I know, but I would really just like to know the honest situation.  He seems like the kind of person to protest too much, which is usually a sign that a person is hiding something.  I don’t care if he is trying to hook up with you, just as long as everyone’s on the same page.  In truth, there are going to be things I don’t like about him, like the way he picks on me but seems to think I’m not allowed to pick back.  Maybe it’s just the pregnancy hormone thing that’s causing some of his attitude to get on my nerves.

  No matter what the case, I’d like to think our friendship would be able to outlast anything he would spread about me.  Maybe it’s just who I am, but I’d rather hear things from the source than somewhere down the road.  I don’t know if that’s the case at all.  I could be entirely wrong.  I just have to wonder if perhaps the way he and I don’t get along is part of what caused this situation to go to the length it has.

In the end, it does hurt that you’ve cut me out without a word.  A part of me wants to take it personally, to blame myself.  Maybe I am to blame.  Maybe it is my fault you turned away.  Until I hear that in your own words, I’ll never be able to do more than guess at what might be going on there.  I won’t lie.  I would love to know where things went wrong and how to fix them.  I would love to repair the damage.  My world is all about living peacefully with my neighbors and knowing everyone gets along.  In reality, that will never be an option unless you choose to make it an option.  The choice of what you do is in your hands.  You were the one to decide to walk away, and only you can make the choice to try again.  My only assistance is to be available.  You know where to reach me.  I’m not going to blame myself.  I’m not going to think "I should have done".  I’m not going to theorize about all the things I could do to make things better.  It would be foolish of me as I’m not sure where things went wrong.  I’m beyond pointing fingers and I don’t care who is to blame.  All I can do is wait to see what you do.  If this is where we part, so be it.

I wish you well on your path through life.  I really do hope your children enjoy the start to their new school year.  I wish you nothing but happiness with our friend, whatever his situation with you may be.  Most of all, I wish you happiness.

With much sorrow and love,

Raven Night