Crazy, Crazy Life
Wow, I’ve been away for what seems like forever. Life has kind of run away with me and I’ve forgotten to step back and take a moment to write. It’s interesting how life can sometimes get. It’s actually kind of crazy.
So what have I been up to? Counseling has been interesting. It’s been a mix of productive and not so productive. My counselor seems to think the focus should be on the sexual relationship with my husband. Doesn’t she get it? I don’t want to get that sexual relationship back with him. I don’t want to have a relationship with him! I don’t want that to be my life. I want someone healthier in my life, but she doesn’t seem to see that. All he’s doing is pissing me off left and right. Yes, there are some good moments in all of this, but they’re so incredibly rare, and it’s not just me. I’ve asked him to do the dishes for the last three days. Still not done. Corde STILL hasn’t been fed and it’s 10pm. I’ve been out, so he should have fed her. It’s an hour past her bed time! I’ve got no confidence as to how he and the kids are going to fare while I’m gone…none at all. Yet my counselor thinks I should work through my issues with our sexual relationship. It’s funny, she asks if I have any sexual desire for him, but I think she’s missing the bigger question. Do I want him anywhere near me at all? The answer is a big HELL NO! I’ve been bashing my head against the wall with him for what? Seven? Eight years now…? All the same stupid bullshit. Nothing ever changes. We’re having the same fights we had years ago about him not changing. No! I don’t want him sexually! That would imply I wanted him around at all! Yeah, sometimes it’s nice, but more often than not, it’s a royal pain in my ass.
Okay, rant on Caelan over. He’s just been pissing me off since I walked in the door, and that was maybe 20 minutes ago. I am just so done with him right now. I’ve been trying to get him to clean the house, but he hasn’t. The house is still a disaster and at this rate I’m so stressed that I can’t even face it right now. He wanted to wait until I could no longer cope with the stress of it so now he has to do it all. I’m more than a little pissed to say the least.
Anyhow, in other news, Kim quit teaching at Gaia’s. She sent me a nasty MySpace message, then proceeded to block my account and quit working there. I do feel a little bad in all of this because I wasn’t trying to push her out or anything. I don’t want there to be any drama between us. I want to be able to go there and have a good time, nothing else. However, it seems that’s not the case. Oh well. It’s her loss.
Kim also quit dancing at the Shisha Lounge. She gave them no notice, so Sarah took the spot. Now Sarah, Gina, and I are all going to be doing solos at the Shisha Lounge on January 10th, the day I get home from Boston. Now that should be interesting!
I also went back out to circle. Things have really toned down out there, which is good. I have to say, I don’t think I’ll ever really fit in out there. I’m too much on the outskirts of everything. I’m an outsider and I know it. I always will be. I don’t play the games, nor am I into the habits, like drinking. I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I just don’t drink anymore. However, there are some nice people out there worth getting to know. I went to the social night last night. I went out to the Yule ritual tonight. I may just start going back out there on occasion. I don’t think I’ll be doing classes or anything, but it’s kind of nice to have people hug me and want to be around me in a wider circle than I get from dance class. I’m just your average person out there. It’s nice.
So while I was doing stuff with circle, some interesting stuff happened. For starters, one of Caelan’s former co-workers goes out there. From what he’s said, my husband is cutting himself out of everything left and right. People have tried to be friends with him, but he just won’t crack his shell. Now Caelan’s talking about how everyone’s walking on eggshells around him and I’m starting to think they’re all just waiting for the point when he just cracks. I can’t blame them. I see things coming to a head with him too. This is not going to be good. I don’t want to be around for the fallout of that one. Maybe I’ll be lucky and I won’t have to be. However, this is either going to be very good and he’ll start realizing he needs to act like a human…or it will be very bad.
On another note, I was surprised how many people remembered me. They didn’t recognize me, not most of them. Apparently I look very different now. In some ways I guess I do. I’m thinner now. I’m blonde. I got my hair cut since the last they saw me. I was wearing my glasses. I don’t dress nearly so goth. I’ve got my nose, lip, and ears pierced. If you haven’t seen me in a while, you probably wouldn’t recognize me. I’m also a lot happier when I’m on my own. I’m no longer frustrated over everything and tired all the time. I’ve got energy and life. However, once they knew it was me, they remembered me and asked how I had been. It was kind of nice, and sweet.
What really got me is that this guy who had only ever seen me twice recognized me. He knew my name. He’d been sending me random text messages for a while now because I made the comment that no one ever calls me and I don’t go out to circle because I feel left out. He said he was disappointed because I never reply to them. He was standing under the mistletoe earlier. There was some growing on the tree. He was just waiting for someone to come over. Well, everyone did, but me…so he gave me those puppy dog eyes. I kissed him on the cheek. This seemed to cause a cascade effect because he later picked me up and carried me over his shoulder for a while. I declared he was kidnapping me! He said he surely wasn’t kidnapping me because I wasn’t fighting him on it. He had a point. It was funny. Anyhow, he says we should hang out sometime. I think that would be really nice. He seems like a nice guy. Good energy. I like him. Better still, he’s one of those people that makes me happy when I talk to him. It’s like hanging out with Gina or Krystal. I think I may end up with another good friend in all of this.
Another odd not to the night, AJ seems to think Chad is in love with me. Apparently word has been coming back through her husband that makes her feel that way. I kind of feel bad for him in a way. I really do like him. I care about him a good deal. However
, I’m not in love with him in any way. He’s just a friend in my book. Things are going to be awkward when he gets home. I hate awkward.
Anyhow, tomorrow is the Yule party. Hopefully it’ll go well. My dance troupe is going to be here. with their families, at least the members who are here and will come with. Oz, Annie’s fiancee, is going to be here too. Caelan, surprise, surprise, didn’t invite anone. We’ll see how that goes. Why do I foresee having to make excuses for him yet again?
Well, I should get going. I want to get some more done on my shawl. If I’m going to get that thing done before Ostara this year, I’ve got a lot of work to do. And the 52 pair challenge? I must be insane. 52 pairs of socks in a year. Yeah, I’m off my rocker.
~*~Rave~*~