Exhaustion but no sleep…

That’s how I feel right now.  I’m so exhausted I just want to pass out, but I can’t.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Maybe it’s stress.  Maybe it’s anxiety.  Maybe I’m just not as tired as I think I am.

I picked up my new jewelry today.  I couldn’t find the stupid office for the place, so I was driving around all crazy like.  I’m just glad I found it and could ge the jewelry.  The earrings will make a nice touch for tomorrow and I’ll have the new lip ring in before November Noir.

November Noir…I’ve got to get her the music by Sunday.  I’ll have to e-mail her because I just found this out today and I don’t have enough time to do it any other way.  I’m starting to stress out over this.  A part of me wants to cancel all together, but I know I’ve been looking forward to this for so long.  I’m just so tired right now and running out of time.  I think I just need a break.

However, the show tomorrow night should bring in more attention for Celeste and I.  I’m not sure I really want that right now.  It’s good, but I’m so tired recently.  I guess a diet of Djarum blacks and monster energy will do that to a person.  I’ve been okay though.  I’ve been eating…some…

I just need to have a stable environment.  I need to have a place of my own where I can have a room and a bed.  I need to have some kind of hidey-hole so I can write.  I need to get a good night’s sleep for once.  I mean, when I got to Caelan’s place this morning, I slept until noon!  While that’s normally like me, I got to bed at a decent hour, so it’s really not.  I’m just so exhausted and it’s the lack of stability in my life that’s doing it.  All these changes are taking their toll.  I just want it to even out so I can go back to being myself.

A part of me really wants this performance thing to take off.  I love it and it’s a great way to earn an income, but I don’t know if I can handle the lifestyle.  It may just kill me.  This exhaustion and all of that is getting so hard on me that I just feel like I’m about to crash and burn.  It may just be the stress of everything else, but somehow I think a performance lifestyle is going to be a lot more stressful than I thought.

I just need to be happy right now.  I need to find someone who can take care of me.  I know it sounds a silly thing to obsess over, but I need someone to bring some sense of stability into my life.  I need someone who can make sure the bills are paid on time and can manage the finances.  I need someone who can take care of all the responsibilities so that I can work on me.  That should have been my parents so long ago, but I guess that’s not going to be the case.

A part of me really wants to rebel against all these changes too.  I don’t want to move to Austin.  I don’t want to be successful.  I don’t want to leave everything I’ve grown so accustomed to.  It’s scary.  It really is.  I just know it’s for the best and at heart, I think that really is what I want to do.  I just need to ride it out and wait for my feet to hit the ground again, if that ever happens.

I’m just so tired right now.  I’m tired, but I can’t sleep.  I miss Dmitri.  I miss going places with him, getting out and meeting people.  I could use someone like that in my life right now.  I need someone fun.  I need someone with energy.  I need someone who can show me what life is supposed to be like instead of just walling myself in at someone else’s house where all I ever do is listen to children’s madness, stupid drama, and other chaos aside from the dead of night.  I need something more than a couch to crash on.  I hate this, I really do.

Anyhow, I should stop wallowing in self-pity.  I need to go get some sleep.  If I don’t, tomorrow is going to be a very long and tiring day.

~*~Rave~*~