We’re Separated

Yup…we are…  It’s always sad when things are over, but in this case it’s mostly just scary.  We both know it needed to happen, so we’re still going to be friends over all of this.  Still, it’s a scary new adventure.  I really don’t want to be a single mom.  I just want to be happy.

The first few days were hell.  He was depressed for the first few days, wondering why I was doing this to him.  Clearly I wasn’t in my right mind.  I was just being a horrible bitch and I needed to see the light.  He was trying to convince me to come back.  He thought if I could just see it the way things were, we would be okay.

Then, all of the sudden and out of the blue, Caelan saw the light.  He understood why I was doing it and thought I was right.  He knew we were just destroying each other by staying together so we needed to be apart.  We still both love each other more than anything, but we can’t live together.  We were far better off as friends than we ever were in a relationship.  It’s really too bad we can’t be happy together, but we’re better off seeing this now and moving on with it than tearing each other apart.

Caelan has been sticking to his word too.  He’s been going to counseling.  A lot of what his therapist has said makes a lot of strength.  He’s really strong, which is funny because I’m not.  You’d think that would make him better capable of taking care of me, but all it seems to do is make me fall apart.  He’s too intense for me and I’m too fragile.  I wish we’d seen that years ago.

The truth is, he needs someone to be strong with him.  He needs someone stubborn to keep him in line.  He needs someone who can stand up to him without causing things to spiral out of control.  He needs someone who can be a lot more forceful than me.  He needs someone who is determined.

I need someone who is gentle, soft, and sensitive.  I need someone who can take care of me, and respect the fact that I’m much more childlike than I care to admit.  I need someone who can tolerate my fear of everything, and I really am aftaid of everything.  I need someone who can support me in my decisions without pushing me.

And that’s where Caelan and I don’t fit.  He’s rigid and demanding.  I’m soft and fragile.  He needs a strong, willful partner, which I’m not.  I need someone who is gentle, kind, and caring, which he tries to be, but he’s far too rigid.  He needs someone who can make a decision and act on it.  I need someone who will let me come to each action in my own time, even if it takes far longer than perhaps it should.  That’s what’s going to cause us both the most problems.  We need different things in our partners.

However, we’re ending this as friends.  I really do love him, and I know he loves me.  We’re family now, even if we can’t live together, even if some day we’re no longer married.  He gives me strength just by knowing I can call him whenever I need to talk.  I can still give him a reason to smile.  I encourage him.  There’s no reason friends can’t do that.  I think friends should do that.  This could be good for us, I think.

So, from here I’ve got a lot to do.  This weekend we’re doing a show for Joe Ely’s wife (google his name if you’re curious).  It’s going to be a fire show.  The weekend after that November Noir is turning into a solo.  We just can’t manage it.  Gina’s pregnant.  Krystal had to bail.  We had Annie replacing Krystal’s slot, but she ditched us and moved to Colorado.  In general, it’s all gone to hell, so we’re back to the first plan, I’m going to solo.

There’s going to be a lot coming up here.  I’m not sure where it’s all going to go, but we’ll see.  This is going to be a great new adventure…though a scary one.  There’s a lot coming my way, both good and difficult.  Now all I can hope is that it starts to turn the tides in my favor for once.

~*~Raven Night~*~