I’m Such A Mess *sob*

Really, you would not believe it.  My life is just…over.  It’s a tradgedy!  I spilled my green smoothie on my pant leg!  How am I going to survive?  A precious drop of green smoothie was wasted!

As if the green smoothie wasn’t enough, I’ve spilled salad dressing too…with feta cheese!  I look such a wreck…  No!  Don’t look at me!  Don’t even look at me!  No!  My life is over!

And my make-up…  My make up that was so pain stakingly done by a professional artist (okay, maybe semi-professional) is now smeared because I rubbed my eye!  What am I to do?  I shall simply perish at the thought of living one more moment like this!

Or…I could just wash my face, change into comfy jammies, and toss my clothes in the wash basket.  Nah…that would be too simple…  It’s more fun to be dramatic.

Speaking of dramatic, I’ve got two words to say to that….  Fog…  Machine…

You want some dramatic photos?  We were playing with a fog machine!  Score!  I can’t wait to see how the pictures turn out.  I doubt I’ll be entirely happy with them because I’m afraid I’ll look fat or somehow larger than I am.  Yeah, like I need to worry about that.  However, it’s all in the angles.

I’m supposed to be getting them tomorrow.  The moment they go up, I’ll be posting them here.  Okay, maybe not THE moment.  I’ll have to look at them in awe for a while.  Then I’ll put them up and all will be happy.  It was a lot of fun.

Today was a pretty good day (isn’t that an odd beat for my life!) and I so needed it.  My life has kind of been crazy, so I’ll take just about anything that’s positive these days.

This morning I was tempted to cancel everything.  I didn’t really feel like functioning when I woke up because I’d been drifting in and out of sleep.  It was aweful.  Everything seemed to be waking me up.  However, I decided to just force myself into it because Morgan went through a lot to arrange everything today and I didn’t want to let him down.

I dragged my lazy butt out of bed.  Then I was cruel and dragged the baby’s lazy butt out of bed!  I stripped him of everything, even his diaper, and set him down in the tub.  Now, here’s when the cruel Mommy part comes in…  I hopped in the tub too and turned on the shower….

Aris screamed!  You’d think I was trying to kill him!  The world was over because the shower was on!  What was I thinking?  Babies melt in water!  Wait…  They don’t?  Hey!  They don’t!  This is actually pretty fun!  Before long, Aris was splashing in the water in the bottom of the tub because his brilliant mommy, aka me, put the stopper in the tub before the water was started.  He thought toddling in and out of the spray from the showerhead was actually kind of fun!  Who knew?  That made my life easier.  The baby bathed and I got a shower all at once.

Well, Corde couldn’t be left out of this one, so as I was finishing up in the shower, she snuck in and climbed in the tub.  Score!  Two clean kids out of the deal!  Nice!

So I hopped out and let the kids splash around a bit more, dried off, and then stole the baby!  Aren’t I cruel?  First I torture him with making him get clean, then when he realizes it’s actually fun, I torture him by taking him out!  He upset for all of two seconds until he was wrapped up in a nice warm towel and snuggled until he was dry.  Now that’s the life, have someone to bathe you, dry you, dress you, give you food whenever you’re hungry…

But I digress…

With two clean kids and a clean me, we all get dressed and fly over to Morgan and Gina’s house.  Corde got to watch a movie she’s never seen, VeggieTales…The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything…  She loves that movie.  Aris was jamming out to the music.  It was pretty cool.

The make-up girl showed up.  She had way too much fun making me look pretty.  It’s kind of nice having someone else do my make-up for once.  It means I can sit back and relax while they do all the artistry.  It’s too bad I can’t have someone else do my make-up all the time!

Then it was on to the photos.  There were a few taken, then we took a break to do some with a different background.

And then Morgan changed his mind…

He busted out the fog machine and changed the background to black.  We had way too much fun with pictures and the fog.  I think I’m finally starting to relax into this whole thing of someone taking pictures of me that’s not myself.

Then the smoke alarm went off…

Talk about a dramatic way to end the night!

Well, I changed back into my normal clothes.

I went to Walmart to do grocery shopping at 10pm.

I came home, unloaded groceries, and chilled for a while.

I wrote Krystal a response to her MySpace message about ten times before finally sending it.

Somewhere in all of this time I realized my life was spinning out of control as a result of the drama in the local dance community.  If I could just step back from that, my life would be back to the regulated controlled chaos.  I feel better now.

And then I came to the realization as to why Corde’s been having so many accidents and temper tantrums.  She just needs a more solid bedtime routine and a Daddy that’s not so much of a monster.  To use Krystal’s terms, she’s so used to daddy-sized discipline that she goes wild with anything less.  That and she deliberately acts out for attention when she feels she needs someone to pay attention to her.  The whole wetting her pants thing is directly proportional to the amount of chaos in her life.  The more changes are happening in her life, the more likely she is to wet her pants.  Well, Daddy’s been in and out of the field.  Our routine changes daily around here.  I think she just needs a little more structure to her days.  I think if we can manage that, she’ll be a lot better.

Actually, now that I think about it, Corde didn’t have a single accident today…  She only had one meltdown tantrum too, and that’s when Gina tried to tell her to go outside and play.  She really wasn’t feeling well.  I think she just wanted to sit and chill.  Corde and Aris both have a touch of a cold or something.&nb

sp; I think it’s the sudden change of the weather to cold and miserable.

And she didn’t have an accident yesterday either, or a single meltdown tantrum.

I think if we can either get Caelan to tone it down a bit with her, or just get him out of the picture all together, she’ll completely mellow out.  I don’t know if Army life will ever be for her with all the lack of stability, but we’ll see what happens.  However, even if the lack of stability causes problems, we can work on making it as stable as possible, which should help as long as she doesn’t have the out of control disciplinarian in the house.  He’s got to seriously learn to let go and let Corde just be a kid…

Oh…shit…that was negative…meant to avoid negative!  No!  I said something bad!  Emo death on me!

Hmm…marketing strategy…emo grass that cuts itself…  I wonder if emo veggies would chop themselves too…

So Corde had her last late night up.  Tomorrow, we’re doing a total make-over.  She’s going to have breakfast as usual, but after that we’re going to add an element of structure and more options for interaction with an adult than usual.  She’ll have the choice to play quietly or watch a movie with me.  She’ll have the choice to play outside, or play quietly inside while I make lunch.  She’ll have the choice to clean up her room before or after homeschool stuff.  She’ll get some time to play as loud as she wants in her room while I check my e-mail, or do a project…maybe draw some pictures…  Then she’ll get to help me make dinner.  Maybe then we’ll watch another movie.  She’ll get a bath, two stories, and off to bed she goes.  I would have her brush her teeth, but she’s somehow managed to lose her toothbrush.  I would just buy her a new one, but tomorrow I don’t want to leave my house for anything, but I’ll go into that one next.  So she’ll go to bed.  I’ll tuck her in.  She’ll probably conk out because she’s always so tired by bed time, but she fights it.  However, I’ve noticed if I tuck her in, she’ll often knock clean out.

Tomorrow I’m going to decompress myself.  I’m not going to clean my house.  I’m not going to leave my house unless it’s an emergency.  I’m going to sit back and enjoy the fact that there’s no one here but my family.  I’ve realized that I’ve been at someone’s house or someone has been over here almost ever day for the past month.  It’s starting to drain me.  I just need to run away and refresh.

So, somehow this stress has all come full circle and my feet have landed firmly back on the ground.  Saturday is the FRG meeting.  Then we’re probably going to meet up somewhere to talk about what to do with November Noir.  After that, who knows.  I’ve got a lot open to me in the future.  I’m kind of hoping it’ll all start moving forward again.  Even if it isn’t foreward so much as sideways into something else, at least it will be moving.  My life will be making some kind of progress towards an eventual goal…of what?  I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter.  I don’t need to be able to see the outcome yet, as long as I’m doing what I can to get there.

For once, I’m writing good news.  I hope it starts to become a more common thing.  My goal is to start looking towards the future and trying to think of what things I can do to make the outcomes I want more likely.  I’m going to start looking at the present to look for more reasons to enjoy my life, more reasons to be happy with the moment I’m in.  I’m going to start living each moment to it’s fullest, or at least the fullest that I’m willing to accept at that moment.  After all, life is about finding what you love and pursuing that love.  Without that, all else is worthless.

So wish me luck and hopefully I’ll have more good things to write about tomorrow.

~*~Raven Night~*~