Upcoming Photoshoot

I’m going to have a real photo shoot, with a real photographer or anything.  I’m all excited.  I haven’t had so much as a portrait since I was in high school.  I’m kind of worried about this.  What am I going to do?  I’m just a little worried about all of this.  I shouldn’t be so worried.  I’m afraid I’ll look horrible or something, but it’s his job to make me look good.  It’s not because I’m paying him to do a good job, but because he can use this for his portfolio or whatever.  He makes me look good and he makes himself look good.

However, it’s not just the pictures that are making me nervous.  It’s the idea of spending that much time alone with Morgan.  Before anyone thinks of the cheating wife thing, let me just be clear, it’s not that.  Morgan is Gina’s SO and therefore off limits.  Besides, I don’t warm up to people that easily.  Even if I do, I’d be too afraid of having one of my little breakdowns and then he wouldn’t be able to deal and I’d never be able to face him again.  However, I’m afraid of labeling him as the new face of my unattainable ideal.  It’s bad enough that I’ve got one of those running around my head, I don’t need one that’s already claimed, and worse, by someone I actually like.

Krystal mentioned to me that I just need to visualize what I want and then make it happen.  It’s that simple.  The more real I can make that reality, the easier it will be to come true.  I know that’s the way it works.  It’s always worked for me a little too well in the past.  However, the last thing I need right now is to assign that ideal a face that’s local enough to be attainable, but not available.  I’ll just be torturing myself.  And it’s not that I think I’d ever be able to date him.  He’s a nice guy and all, but he’s just too pretty for me.  It’s obvious in the way he acts and dresses that he cares a lot about his appearance.  Gina does too.  I swear, the two of them look like they belong with the beautiful people of the world.  I just don’t fit in.  My teeth are all crooked.  I hate the way I look when I smile.  I’m not an unattractive woman, but my beauty is flawed.  That’s not the case with Gina, or Morgan for that matter.  I’ll admit it, there’s a little pang of jealousy there.

I deliberately choose people that are out of my league, it seems.  I choose them because I can’t have them.  I choose them because they’re someone safe to wish I had because I know I can’t have them.  A part of me would love to, but in the end I know it would never work.  In truth, I doubt any of them would ever be more than a friend, but still, I have fear.  I have this constant nagging sense that somehow I’ll find the perfect match and I won’t be able to make it happen, all because I’m married.  Forgive me if I still dream of Prince Charming, or Princess Charming for that matter.  I know that’s not Caelan, so it’s hard to keep my mind from wandering.

In truth, I already have an idea of Mr. Perfect.  Yes, a man.  I don’t know why, but I feel a man should support me.  He needs to be taller than me, even when I’m wearing heels, even if it’s just barely, yet not so tall that I have to stand on toes to kiss him, or to wrap my arms around his neck.  He’d have dark hair, though I’ve lost my preference for long or short.  He’d have a quirky little half smile instead of a dazzling full one and sparkling light colored eyes.  He would be of average weight and build.  Not muscular, but not weak either.  He’d have the look of someone who could protect me.  Yes, I am insecure enough that the idea of a big, manly protector appeals.  I know looks aren’t everything, but if I’m going to visualize perfection, I may as well go all the way, right?  He’d have some kind of accent that would exotic to me, even if it’s just the sort of thing you expect to hear from a Southern lawyer in a Grisham novel.  That sophisticated laid, back drawl that you expect to hear from a Confederate war hero or in Savanah, Georgia, or if anyone here has ever played Gabriel Knight.  I’d be happy with a Brittish accent, or a beautiful Russian one, like Dmitri’s.  They’d be a little scholarly, but only a little.  We’re talking someone who wants to know about the world, but doesn’t want to spend their life studying it.  He would have an artistic streak, but wouldn’t be an artist, so I guess it would manifest more as a love of art.  He would have a stable job that could support the kids and I.  He wouldn’t care if I kept the house clean because he’d know it was just me, and we could hire a maid if we had to.  He’d be home every day.  There wouldn’t be business trips, deployments, or any of that.  He’d go out for the occasional drink after work with friends or co-workers, but more often he’d rather have them over to visit so I could stay where I was comfortable, safe in our own home.  He would love kids and would actually play with them.  He would give them hugs, make them laugh, and even agree to play childish board games and card games because the kids find it fun.  He wouldn’t complain when he’d come home one day to find me knitting, another find me writing, and a different day imersed in dance, painting, drawing, costuming, or whatever suited my fancy.  He’d undertand it was just how I am.  I’m eccentric and it’s not just a case of the crazies.  He’d possibly find it cute and endearing.  He’d understand that I’m not big on giving affection.  I don’t rub backs or anything of that nature.  I’m just content to hold or be held.  He wouldn’t pressure me to be overly sexual, but would enjoy it when I was.  He’d be silly at times, cute, sweet, and romantic, but not in a way that annoyed me.  He’d take care of me, in that old fashioned husband providing for the family sort of way.

I know, it’s impossible.  There’s no Mr. Perfect for anyone in the world.  It’s just a dream, but what’s wrong with dreaming?  What’s wrong with wanting to find someone who will be your best friend more than a lover?  What’s wrong with wanting to find someone you’re so in love with that your eyes light up every time the enter the room?  Isn’t it possible that it will never stop being magical?  Is there anything wrong with wanting someone that smiles just so and looks at you in just that way that always makes you melt?  I don’t know…all I know is that’s not what I have with Caelan, at least not now.

I don’t know if Caelan and I will ever have that again, to be perfectly honest.  I don’t know if we’ll ever find happiness together.  I think, in the end, I just need to release my attachment to he outcome and see what happens.  Maybe things will get better.  Maybe they won’t.  However, I think I really do need to start trying to bring something more ideal into my life, whether Caelan becomes that more ideal vision or if it’s someone else.

I think th

is next deployment is going to be the telling one.  I think I’ll finally see if this is going to work or not because I’ll finally have a chance to take some time for myself and assess what I want.  When Caelan comes home, I’ll be able to see if he’s going to fit that role or if what’s done is simply done and it’s time to move on.  We’ll see what happens…

For now, I think I need to go do something that will get my mind off of all of this…  And who would have thought all of this would be going through my mind, all because of a photo shoot, a romantic movie, and a friend’s SO being home on R&R…

~*~Rave~*~