Bad Day Blues

I don’t know what’s going on today.  I’ve just been in an irritated bad mood about everything.  Yesterday I was floating on clouds for much of the day, at least when I wasn’t fighting with Caelan.  Today it’s like I’m making up for that in crankiness.  It’s irritating.

Something simple started me off.  Chad used my computer this morning.  I don’t know why he keeps using MY computer.  He can use Caelan’s.  I’d prefer he used Caelan’s.  Instead, he uses mine.  He usually leaves his Yahoo up when he leaves and his MySpace page open.  I don’t mean to be bitchy about it, but this is MY computer.  I hate it when anyone else touches it!  I’m tempted to bring it upstairs until he’s gone, even if it means I can’t use the internet.  I know it’s silly, foolish, childish, but it’s how I feel about it.  I’m sorry, but I want my computer to be mine.  This is just one of the many ways I’m feeling out of sorts and posessive.  What’s worse is I don’t want to tell him he has to use Caelan’s computer.  That’s just rude.  Still, I don’t know…

To add to the annoyance, I found out yesterday that my Fat Chance DVD won’t be here until the 5th, more than likely.  It’s irritating and frustrating because I ordered it two weeks ago!  I’ll still order other DVDs and things from them, but in truth, I’m annoyed that it’s taking so long.  I don’t know why it should take so long.  Oh well.  At least I’m getting it.  I can’t complain too much.

The same goes for the waldorf doll kit.  They said the woman who makes the wig I ordered is on vacation and they won’t be shipping it until she gets back because they’re out of stock.  Here’s the problem.  I didn’t order a wig.  I ordered the hair to make a wig.  If I was going to do it, I was going to do it all.  If they send me a wig, I’m not going to complain too much, though if it’s a wig for boy hair, I’ll be irritated.  It wouldn’t have bugged me so much but they didn’t immediately offer the information.  They waited for me to ask before the told me anything.  I understand she’s trying to sell the business and likely retire, but still!  I really just don’t understand why this has to be so complicated.

Then I find out that the big long entry I wrote here never saved.  All that writing about how I felt only to have it disappear.  It’s probably better, in the end.  I wrote a lot that I really wasn’t so sure I wanted getting out and into the public view.  I think I’m better off for it.  Even so, it’s a frustration in and of itself.

It’s been a long week.  I hate to say it, but I almost wish Caelan would go back in the field already.  I could really use the time off from his mood swings.  He’s gotten pretty demanding as of late.  I just can’t deal with it anymore.  He’s driving me absolutely off the wall.  Honestly, I’m half tempted to report to his command that he’s starting to lose it.  He’s jealous for stupid reasons.  He’s demanding.  He’s moody.  He’s driving me absolutely insane.  Maybe he’ll be able to find some sense of sanity out in the field.  If not, deployment isn’t that far off.  Strangely enough, Gina seems to think this is pre-deployment moodiness.  She thinks it’s him being tempermental because he’s gone all the time.  I’m sorry, but if that’s what’s causing him to be tempermental, I don’t think I can handle it!  I don’t know if I can go through a lifetime of this constant cycle of moodiness and attitude.  I don’t think I can go through the cycles of demanding nature.  In truth, I’m just not happy.  On top of that, he’s a horrible father for the kids.  I’m sorry, but if we’re not happy, something has to change.

Last night, for example.  I was gone for a good portion of the day because I just had to get away.  Aris ate once yesterday.  Aside from that, he stayed in his room "because he was quiet".  Okay, so if he’s not screaming like someone is trying to kill him, he’d be ignored.  Caelan had his headphones on anyways, so even if he wasn’t screaming, he’d be ignored.  It’s not fair to the kids.  It’s neglectful.  I can’t be leaving the kids with someone like that should I go away for a weekend, or worse, a week!  I can’t trust him to take care of the kids!  What kind of father is that?  Then to hear Corde scream and wail when I tell her that I’m leaving because she doesn’t want to stay with Daddy?  This was the girl who wanted nothing more than to have Daddy home.  Now she can’t wait for him to leave and when he’s gone, she doesn’t want him to come back.  That’s a huge sign to me.

In other news, I’m going to consider seriously looking for another job.  I don’t need a job, necessarily, but it would be nice to have an income of my own.  Dance classes just aren’t doing it anymore.  As a result, I need to be doing something else.  I need to be finding a way to make sure I’ve got money put aside in case I need to cut and run.  I need to have money aside so that if Caelan spends us out of house and home, I can still afford the things I want.  In some ways the deployment couldn’t come soon enough because then I’d have so much more money and could save away more, just in case things aren’t better when he gets back.  Everyone keep your fingers crossed that the perfect job comes my way.  I’ll be looking, though I’m not sure how hard, since I’ll need a job in the afternoons after Krystal’s kids leave.  I’ll need to bring my own kids with me.  I’ll also need to have openings in my schedule so I can still perform and teach classes.  Even something two or three days a week wouldn’t be bad.  I just know it can’t be work from home because I’ll never actually work if that’s the case.  I’m not motivated enough.

Well, I should get going.  I need to eat before class.  I really don’t want to go teach today.  I really just want to lounge around at home and feel miserable about myself.  Gina’s not going to be there.  Krystal will, but with the numbers I’ve been pulling in class lately I’m not sure there will be enough people there to even run a class.  Besides, I’m kind of tired.  I’m very tired.  I just really need a break.  However, I know if I start taking a break from classes, I’ll never go back to teaching them.  In a way, I don’t want to.  There aren’t enough people there for it to really be worth my time.  However, I’ll keep doing it and keep trying.

So, some things to cheer me up today…

1) November Noir is two and a half months away!  Time to get geared up for workshops and to see other performers!  I’m excited.  Now if only we can get our stuff together.

2) I went for a nice long drive yesterday.  It

was so soothing.  I really just needed to get out of the house and do something on my own, kid free.

3) Unlike with Element, we’re getting a lot of rehearsal time in.  We’re not getting much done, but at least we’re working on it.  That’s a huge start.  We’ve worked through a lot of the "storyline" and now all we have to do is actually choreograph it.  We’ve got some really cute ideas for that too.

4) I talked to Cwellan the other night.  Surprise, surprise, we actually get along now.  Sounds like as long as there’s no relationship, we can be good friends.

5) I finally found a pair of can can boots!  Capezio makes them.  They’re way out of my price range, but they still exist.  Maybe some day I’ll save up for some.  Perhaps they’d be a good Christmas present for myself.

6) I’ve found the perfect costume for the show!  It’s going to be a little on the costly side, but it’s perfect.  My belly will be covered so all the moves will have to be bigger, but I can work with that.  It’s a wonderful portrait of sweet and innocent, and a little bit anime.  Now I just have to order it.  Yup, order it!  That makes my life easier too!  It’ll actually be done in time!  I don’t have to make it myself!

7) Step by step (even though it requires a lot of fighting with Caelan) the house is getting cleaner.  Krystal also offered to help me clean and organize my house in exchange for watching her children while she’s at school.  As much as I hate to accept help from outside sources, I can work with that.  It will irritate me until it’s done.  Maybe I can get her to help me keep after the place in exchange.

8) I’ve had a lot of time to read lately.  This is a nice change of events.  I’ve kind of gotten bored of the internet (aside from my game, but I’m taking a break from that right now), so it gives me something else to do.  I’ve also taken to reading before bed.  It helps relax me so that I’m actually able to drift off to sleep quicker.  I need to start doing that every night!

9) Since Caelan’s been here I’ve been pawnign off all important duties of the house on him.  I’ve needed the break.  As a result, I’ve had a huge breather.  I’m just so much happier now that I’ve been able to go a few days without being the one to cook, clean, change diapers, or any of that stuff.  I’ve had enough on my mind.  I can hardly remember everything I need to do.  Having someone to do it for me so my brain can make sense of itself again is a huge bonus!

10) I’ve got a DVD on learning to play doumbek out from Blockbuster.  Honestly, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do it.  It’s too complex.  However, I’ll be able to at least start it off and get some of the basics in.  It’s going to be a long time in learning, and without an instructor to break it down into the slower rhythms, I’ll be struggling.  Even so, I’m trying and I’m getting through it.  I think I may need to find a place to buy that DVD.  It’ll be godo to learn and practice with and I need to do a lot of that.

~*~Rave~*~