When he’s away…

…I feel like I can’t function.  I end up staying up to all hours of the night.  I tend to forget to shower.  I tend to forget important stuff…like piercing care.  It’s a bad scene.  Honestly, I don’t know how I function.  I know what the problem is.  I get depressed.  I get lonely.  It hurts to have him away.  It doesn’t hurt so much because it’s him.  It hurts because I’m alone.  I’m not good at that.  I’ve never done alone well.  I guess that means I should be finding things to keep me busy, but I don’t know what.  I already have so much.

It doesn’t hurt that I was sick today.  I woke up with a sore throat and a fever.  Both of the kids were sick.  I don’t know what I’m going to do if they’re sick tomorrow.  It’s going to suck bringing them to dance, but what can I do?  I have very little options.  I could cancel the class or ask Gina to cover for me, but I don’t feel right doing that.  I guess I’ll figure it out when it happens.

So now I’m feeling more human.  I’ve managed to eat one solid meal today.  I’ve somehow managed to get through the whole long day without napping.  I’ve remembered to clean my piercings, which is a start.  I still haven’t showered, but I can do that tomorrow.  A part of me thinks I should bust out the alcohol.  Instant sedative for me these days.  I can’t even finish a wine cooler without it putting me to sleep!  I guess that’s a good thing in a way.  At least it means I’m getting well needed rest.

Today was a disaster.  The bank screwed us over again.  Thankfully, we’ll get through this one.  We’re changing banks.  They keep charging overdrafts for when the availible balance drops to negative.  I’m sorry, but the availible balance shouldn’t count for jack.  It should be done by the ACTUAL balance, but maybe that’s just me.  I know I used to go to a bank where it worked on the actual balance.  I’ll just have to find one of those here.

Then there was cooking.  I was going to make dinner, but I realized I had no butter and no clean dishes.  I asked Caelan to clean the pots and pans before he left, but he didn’t.  This is how we got into this mess the first time around.  One would think we would have learned, but I guess not.  Oh well.  I’ll do dishes tomorrow.  I’ll get butter on the way home from the trip to see Elmo.  Then from there we’ll all run to dance and then back home to make dinner.  I’m not sure what I’m making for lunch tomorrow.  I guess in the worst case I can always make soup and give the kids some hot dogs or sandwiches.

I’m plowing through sewing my choli.  I’m finished with all of the seams.  Now I just have to hem up all the edges, stitch the two sides together, and sew the band on.  That won’t be too much work.  I’ll probably have the choli done in more than enough time for the National Night Out in October.  At this rate I may just have it to wear to the family day!  That would be great!  I can see it now, me coming to the family day all decked out in my Tribal gear…it’ll be funny.  I think I may have to do it for just that reason.  In truth, I don’t care when it gets done as long as it gets done!

On Friday I’m going to go change out my earrings.  The new ones aren’t nearly as big as I had imagined and the color is different, but I still love them.  I think they’re almost more perfect than I had imagined.  I can’t wait to put them in!  When I’m feeling a little better I’ll have to take a picture of me with my new jewelry.

For November Noir I’m going to bleach my hair to platinum…now there’s an amusing thoguht for all of you.  I’ll just let you linger on that one a good bit.

Anyhow, it’s late.  I’m going to bust out something to drink (alcoholic or not, doesn’t matter…I’ll probably just make myself some tea or hot chocolate) and chill in bed for a bit.  Maybe I’ll pick up a book.  It’s been a while since I’ve read anything.  I’ve got to catch up on my reading.  Then when I’m done, I’ll probably fall asleep with the book in my hands and wake up all to early to the kids pounding down my door!

~*~Raven Night~*~

I didn’t forget…positives of the day…

1) Gina came over.  We’ve finalized our theme for November Noir.  It’s nothing like the original idea.  We’re going with a song by Lesium.  The theme is gemini…

2) Tomorrow is the long awaited trip to the Elmo event.  I’ll hate it more than likely, but the look on Corde’s face will be worth it all!  I’ll have to bring the camera.

3) The FRG meeting on Monday went well.  My FRG leader and the treasurer seem to like me even though I’m not normal.  I’m going to be a key caller and volunteer for some of the committees.  I’m sure that makes them happy!

4) As stressed as I get when Caelan’s gone, today has been a good day.  I think I like the break now and again.  I actually get some quiet time to do my own thing after the kids have gone to bed.  I could get used to that!

5) I’m really getting excited about the Waldorf dolls!  I can’t wait to make one for Corde.  I think it will be a lot of fun and should keep me pretty busy when Caelan is away!

6) I think I’m going to start busting out my Army wife books again.  I think I’m going to go through some of the activities in that Help! I’m a Military Spouse book and go through some of the activities again.  I think it’s about time to see where I stack up against my goals from this time last year.  Honestly, just thinking about it I think I’m doing pretty well on that road!  Still, it never hurts to set some goals for the future.

7) I’m not meeting my goals for cleaning while Caelan was gone, but I’m a good start on the way.  On top of that, I finally bought more hangers so the clothes can start going away in the closet.  I’m even color coding…  Well, I am to a point.  I’ve picked black hangers for his work uniforms.  Then he can never complain that there aren’t enough hangers for his uniforms.  There are thirteen of them.  I don’t think he even has that many full uniforms anymore!

8) Having Caelan gone is a good way to look at where I was this time last year.  By this point last year I was a total wreck.  This year I’ve got it much more together.  I think I’ll be able to hold it togethe when he leaves for deployment a lot better than I was able to last time.  I’ve got friends now, community.  That’s going to make a world of difference.

<p style=”text-align: justify;”>9) I’ve noticed that the high have gotten higher and the lows haven’t been getting quite so low this year.  Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much at peace with my life, even during the bad times.

10) This one’s for you Phoenix…though I hope everyone else gets to enjoy it to…

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