Betrayal

There are some things in this life that people only do to be hurtful.  There are some things that are deliberately directed towards causing another person the kind of upset and feeling of violation that they can’t easily recover from.  Today I found out that in some way, I have been the target of one such event.  I feel violated.  I feel like my privacy has been torn from me.  I feel like I’ve been exposed in the harshest and most cruel of ways.  Today has not been good.

I’ve calmed down from the point I was earlier.  I was angry.  I was livid.  I wanted retaliation.  I wanted vengeance, which would have rightly been mine.  I wanted to rail against the person that hurt me and make their life just what they did to me.  I wanted some way to feel vindicated, validated, and free from the hurtful actions taken against me.

Instead, I blogged…

I stat down in front of my LJ, the most likely source of the violation, and I blogged.

I spoke of my intentions, that I’m out to hurt the world!  I’m out to make the world a misserable place.  I like causing people pain and agony.  That’s my game!  Right?

Wrong.

I don’t like hurting people.

I don’t like being hurt, so why would I hurt other people?

It’s not my place to harm another, only to heal the wounds of the past.

I know what this is about.  My sister was trying to make me look bad in front of my mother.  She was raised with that silver spoon firmly planted in her mouth.  She owns ball gowns she’ll probably never wear but had to have.  She owns expensive jewelry with flashy stones.  She always needs to show them off every time I go over, even though she knows I’ll never be able to afford that stuff.  Even if I could, I wouldn’t want to.  That just isn’t me.  She must have thought she had something to gain in all of this.  If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have bothered.

However, I’m not going to hide.

I’m not going to shy away.

I’m not going to disappear.

I’m not going to be ashamed.

I am a strong person who hasn’t done anything wrong.

I deserve better than this.

I deserve my freedom.

I deserve my freedom of speech.

I deserve my freedom of expression.

I deserve to be the person I mean to be without being held back by anyone else’s foolish games.

If I’m being watched, so be it.

If I’m being watched, keep on watching because I’m not going to end this because of some person that wishes me ill for some personal potential gain.

That’s not my game.

I refuse to limit myself by the people in my life that wish to hurt me.  If you have a problem with it, don’t read it.  Those people can’t hurt me anymore.  I’m not in their presence anymore.  They won’t be seeing me on a regular basis.  Hell, they’ll be lucky to see me once a year.

Honestly, I don’t know what blog they got their hands on.  For all I know it was OD and not LJ.  Does it matter?  Do I care?  Yes, I have a lot more to lose with someone reading this than my LJ, but that doesn’t matter.

What is this really all about?  My mother is worried about someone from her work seeing my blog and tracing it back to her.  Here’s the catch in that.  If she acted in a way that she wouldn’t be ashamed by then she wouldn’t have to worry.  If she acted like a model parent and my life was still hell, she would look good!  She would just have a fuck-up of a daughter.  How is that her fault?  People would pity her for it.

What is that phrase I like so much?  Ah, yes…  "Judge not, lest you be judged and found wanting."  That very much applies to my life.  I don’t judge anyone else because I’m not perfect.  If I was, I’d have every right to judge.  If I was then I should be teaching others my art of perfection.  However, no one is perfect but the creatrix herself, and even then I suspect she may just be flawed.  That’s the beauty of it.  Until that changes, I’m not going to judge anyone else because I know I would not pass the burden of my own judgment.

So why should I care?  Why should I care if my mother finds out that I’m upset because I didn’t get so much as a birthday card?  Why should I care if someone from her work reads that I’ve worked as an escort before?  It’s my life and I have to deal with the consequences.  Sorry, but that’s the way it works.  If she doesn’t want to admit to me being her child, I don’t care either!  That’s her life and her choice, but I’m not censoring myself for the sake of my mother’s job!

I had considered making my diary favorites only.  Then the offender couldn’t get to my diary.  I would be safe.  I would have my freedom again withou having to fear what would get back to my family.  I considered only letting the people I considered safe in, but what kind of a life is that?  From the start, none of these entries were favorites only.  It’s only been recently where I threw a few in that I didn’t want Caelan reading.  Maybe I’ll change that, I don’t know.  However, I don’t feel that I should have to censor myself for someone else.  I don’t care what you think.  I don’t care what anyone thinks.  This is a place for me to spew and if it means spewing about someone and they read it, I don’t care.  They can either take it for what it is, an outpouring of emotion that’s not always thought through first, or they can take it personally.  Either way, it’s their problem.

I would say this hurts me.

I would say I’m upset by it.

I would say that it’s a violation of trust.

In hindsight, it’s not.

It’s disappointment.

It’s sadness.

My sister has disapointed me.  She’s proven to me what kind of person she is, sly and vindictive.  She has shown her true colors, that she has no idea of what true family is.  She’s shown that she’s not a true sister in the end.  She’s not a friend.  She’s not even someone I would consider myself as wanting to spend time around.

My mother

is would be a disappointment, but it’s only more of what I would expect.  I’m not surprised, to be honest.  I’m not surprised that she’s acting the way she is over this.  I’m not surprised by any of it.  She flaunted it out in front of the family like it was some great tradgedy.

I found all this out through an e-mail from my aunt.  I’d been so busy recently that I couldn’t bear the idea of wading through my hotmail account.  Facebook has it spammed with so many stupid notifications.  She asked me to write her back because of some stuff my sister had said.  She just wanted to know I was alright.  She was worried about me.  I wrote her a nice long e-mail back about all the drama-worthy events in my life.  I then called her and told her about what was going on and all of that.  She finally told me my mom had read my blog.  I was hurt.  I was frustrated.  I was crazy.  I just wanted to strangle my sister.  I was so frustrated with the whole thing that I could scream.  I didn’t know what to do!

So I blogged.

I wrote something that could equate as a nasty-gram.

I didn’t care who found it hurtful because it would simply be directed towards the people that hurt me.  They deserved the retaliation that they got and more-so as far as I’m concerned.

Then I told Caelan about it.  I told Annie.  I told Gina.  I put a message on my Yahoo stating that I felt violated.  I got over it.  I moved on.  I wrote my aunt back.  I felt better.

The thing is, in all of this, I’ve realized something.  The people back home can’t hurt me anymore.  They hold no direct influence over my life.  They can lift me up when I’m falling, or offer me encouragement, but that’s about all.  They have no real exposure to my life.  They can offer advice, but I don’t have to take it.  I can hang up the phone, put the e-mail away, or put down the letter.  I don’t have to take it.  I don’t have to deal with them unless I want to.

My sister is out of my life.  She doesn’t deserve me or my family.  She doesn’t even like the kids, as beautiful and sweet as they are.  That’s fine.  However, until she can prove herself worthy, she’s gone.

My mother is out of my life.  She needs to grow up before she starts acting like I’m nothing.  She needs to start making an effort, no matter how small.  Everyone here has seen how little of an improvement I consider progress.  I know it’s just baby steps.  However, until she can put forth the effort to have some legitimate interest in me, I’m not going to care anymore.  I’m done working with one-sided relationships.  I’ve heard time and time again in the past, "Friendship is a two-way street."  That goes for family too, and all communication for that matter.  Things don’t work if all the energy is going out in one direction.  You must give in order to receive because otherwise people will just stop giving and you’ll stop receiving.  The same goes for the universe, and she considers herself a Pagan.  Well, I guess that’s just none of my business, now is it…

Anyhow, I’ve moved on beyond the pain.  I’ve moved on beyond the anger.  I’ve moved past the frustration and the desire to scream until it all ends.  I’ve moved on to the point that I just don’t care about it anymore.  It’s in the past.

~*~Raven Night~*~

Positives…

1) I don’t need my mother anymore.  I’ve found my strength without her.  Her words no longer hurt me.  In all of that, it was my sister, not my mother, that made me hurt.  I’ve grown up.  Mom, if this is the one you’re reading, I don’t need you anymore.

2) My sister has shown her true colors.  That doesn’t seem positive to you?  It does to me!  It means I no longer have to feel bad about writing her off, or about telling her I won’t be seeing her when she comes to the area.

3) Gina and I picked music for November Noir tonight.  We have music and a theme.  We’ve got some ideas for costumes.  It’s not even August!  How’s that for progress over Element!  Or Tribal Storm for that matter!

4) Though it wasn’t for long, I lit my candles on my altar tonight.  For the special people on the end of that magic tonight, thank you.  Thank you for the opportunity to think of those that need the strength I’ve worked so hard to earn.  Take of it as you need.  The energy is there for you.

5) Happiness is found by those who are loved.  My aunt proved she loves me.  Some of my other family proved it as well.  They were holding out for word from me before believing my mom’s tales.  I am loved, so I can be nothing but happy right now.

6) I think I’ve given Phoenix a reason to smile.  That alone makes the day worth it!

7) Caelan rubbed out my back today.  It was only because herubbed Gina’s back first and didn’t want me to feel left out, but he’s trying!  Besides, it felt really good.  After the stress of today, I needed it.  He’s been so supportive today too.  Just when I need him the most, he turns around and proves just why I love him…

8) My period started today.  While normally that’s a frustration, I kind of feel good about it this time around.  I’m a woman, and women are strong.  It’s just another reminder of the many reasons women are strong.

9) I made this chicken and stuffing casserole for dinner tonight.  It looked kind of gross but it tasted pretty good.  We had dill carrots tonight.  I was impressed at how well dinner turned out!  We’re really starting to do well on this home cooking stuff!  It was filling too!  There are leftovers for tomorrow, which is even better.

10) Aris was showing off today.  He stood up and was walking in and out of the kitchen, giggling so hard he almost knocked himself over!  I swear, he’s the happiest baby in the world!  I think I’m going to get him some of those little soft walking shoes they sell at Gaia’s so he can walk through the store with us instead of sitting in the cart.  I think he’d like that!