The Ramblings of the Day

I did yoga this morning.  It would have been nice and minorly relaxing if I didn’t have to stop halfway through to deal with Corde.  She was in a royal mood when she got up this morning.  She was angry and screaming from the moment she got up.  She was angry that I was watching television.  Then she was angry that I wouldn’t get her cereal that immediate second.  Then she  got mad at me because I was doing yoga!  I sent her to her room.  She threw a fit and slammed the door, then threw a fit because she couldn’t get her door open.  I hate to admit it, but I went up there and slapped her.  I didn’t know what else to do!  She was railing out of control and would likely wake the baby, though she thankfully hadn’t yet.  I marched back downstairs and tried to get into the yoga routine again.  Something wasn’t right.  My ankles were hurting during triangle pose.  They never hurt during yoga.  I think there was something with the tension I’ve been feeling lately.  I think I want to work myself into a regular routine with yoga.  Though I felt a little wound when all was said and done because Corde interrupted so much, I was at least feeling better.  I only chose a half-hour long program this morning.  I figured that would be about all I had time for.  I also didn’t have much option because without the remote to the DVD player, I couldn’t make selections!

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need a better yoga DVD.  The one I have just doesn’t suit me.  I need something that’s a got a little more flow to it.  This one is a bit more broken up.  It’s Yoga for Inflexible People, which I got for Caelan more than myself, really.  The idea was it would be something we could do together.  I’d personally prefer something with a little more flow.  Since Caelan is apparently not going to be doing it with me, I really want to get something I can enjoy and will thoroughly work my entire body.  I want something that has some resonance for me.  I think that’s not too much to ask, especially as I get to the point of doing yoga every morning.  I want to get into a regular yoga practice.  If nothing else, I’ll be so much more flexibule as a result.  I also can’t deny the spiritual benefits of it.  Seriously, there is so much good that can come from the regular practice of yoga.  I just wish I had a DVD here that was better for me.  I think if we can fit it in the budget, which probably won’t happen until next month unless I start making some serious cash at dance class, then I’m going to buy myself a new DVD.  I deserve it with all I’ve been through.  I’m also going to put through the money for my next class with the Dianic University.   It’s only fair.  I need to be doing something for me right now, and pushing my own horizons is going to be part of that.  I already stepped out of my normal bounds to do the self-blessing.  I’m kind of curious what else the course has in store.  Honestly, I really need something for me right now.

I’ve come clean with Caelan on a few things.  I told him he needs to find a way to deal with his temper because if I can learn to do it, anyone can.  It’s not right for him to be taking out his frustration on the kids and I.  Furthermore, he needs to learn to do it for himself.  He’s not a balanced individual and all he does is keep this pent up rage that explodes through anger, frustration, and yelling.  It’s not fair to any of us, especially him.  I told him I’ve found a way to balance my emotions.  Rarely do I get angry, and it’s usually because of him.  However, in the past couple of weeks that he’s been a raging ball of frustration, I’ve found myself yelling at the kids all the time.  I’ve found myself being unable to deal with Corde.  I’ve found myself so frustrated that I lose my temper.  It’s not my fault.  I know it’s not.  However, when he comes home and the first thing he does is gripe at Corde or bitch and complain about school, that sets me off.  I don’t like that he comes home and takes out his bad moods on me.  It’s not fair to me or the kids.  It’s not right that he comes home and yells at Corde.  It’s causing me to have worse moods, but it’s also causing the kids to be far more cranky and miserable than they ever used to be.  I told him that he needs to get himself in check because it’s not right to make us suffer for his bad moods, and if he doesn’t we’re not going to be able to be around him anymore.  He has no right to make the rest of us suffer for his bad moods and I’m not going to tolerate it anymore.

Late last night we also got into a talk about spirituality.  Ron made mention at class tonight that it was the people who rarely go out to circle who are likely to get themselves in the most trouble.  Caelan immediately asked if I gave him a piece of my mind.  Well, I didn’t.  It wasn’t directed at me.  It was directed at the baby witches that didn’t know one thing from another when it came to magic.  It was directed at the people who are using circle as their basis of learning.  It was directed at the people who would get in trouble for practicing because they don’t know better and do something that will come back on them in a severe and drastic way.  Of course, Caelan had to see the bad in it first.  I, on the other hand, almost laughed.  He’s right.  Those who go out to circle rarely are ususally the ones that would get themselves in the most hot water.  However, I’ve been practicing since I was very young.  I’ve learned my lesson, and usually not the hard way.  I avoided spells because I didn’t want the backlash if things went wrong.  However, I’ve grown up.  I’ve grown to learn what works and what doesn’t, and I’m a lot less afraid.  Others, however, need that sense of something to keep them in line or they’re going to do something that will probably bring unexpected or even unwanted results.  It’s something that needs to be thought about.

This lead to a conversation of observances.  I told Caelan that he’s really not that much of a spiritual person.  Magic and spells aside, he’s not a very good Pagan.  He doesn’t observe the wheel of the year.  I’m not saying all Pagans have to do ritual or anything of that nature, however, it’s good to observe, and better yet, celebrate the passing of time.  I always used to do this when I was little, and though it’s harder in Texas where the seasons so rarely change, I still do it now.  I used to notice the changing harvests as I walked through the local farmstand.  I would look up to the branches to see if the leaves were changing yet, how much of them had changed, and how soon I would be crunching through leaves on the sidewalk as I went.  Then I’d gleefully kick and jump in the leaves as they sat upon the ground, crunching and making showers with each step.  Next I would watch for the first snowfall.  I would look for icicles.  The Christmas decorations would go u

p and I’d enjoy the displays in stores and on the streets.  Then before long the coldest days would be passing, soon to give way to the first thaw of the year.  Before long the snow would be melting and the leaf buds will be appearing on trees.  The winds would whip, then the rain would come.  Before long there would be flowers and summer storms.  Now I don’t really see so much of that.  So many times the passing of the year was just a brief acknowledgement of the changes in the world around me.  I take a moment to celebrate, even if it’s not with ritual.  I listen to the music that defines the season for me.  For summer it’s really up-beat and wild music, stuff that’s happy or very drummy, anything that gets me moving.  In the fall I listen to some more mellow stuff, like a lot of Loreena McKennit or earthy, solemn drums.  I go for something that conveys a sad, solemn, introspective mood.  Then there’s the winter.  It starts with Christmas music.  Before long it’s a new mood. Strangely enough, this is a good time for stuff like Pink Floyd and a lot of goth music.  Industrial music is good too, really anything that conveys the mood of the season, the darkness, though it usually gets a healthy mix of happy, silly music that brings hope.  Spring comes and it’s light and happy, airy music.  This is when I listen to the most of my Celtic music.  I like anything light and fluffy.  I need something uplifting as the world changes over to the lighter side of life and the life is coming back to Earth.  Of course, this is often mixed with mood music, especially here where the seasons are so subtle.

However, Caelan hasn’t been observing the holidays.  He hasn’t done any particularly powerful workings.  He’s been letting his spiritual side become neglected.  I understand he doesn’t have a whole bunch of time, but still!  He should at least be doing something!  It’s depressing to let the seasons drift by with no acknowledgement.  It’s lonely.  It’s sad.  It’s not the way you would want it to be.  He needs to do something to indulge his spiritual side.  I know he said that the wheel of the year was a driving force in his life.  He needs to start recognizing that.  He needs to actually deal with it.  He needs to do something with his life on a spiritual level instead of functioning through the day to day.

I talked to Caelan today about other healthy practices.  He said he needed a massage because he hurt.  I told him he didn’t need a massage, he needed to do yoga.  The problem with a massage is you pay for it and feel better for a little while.  Then, you go back to the practices that make you hurt again.  Suddenly the masssage didn’t make that much of a difference, so you have to go back and get another one.  To have any lasting effect, you’d be going back weekly at the least.  With the way they’re working him with PT, he’d probably have to go back on a daily basis.  That’s expensive, even weekly, and we just can’t afford that, not with the car payments.  However, while yoga is an hour every day, ideally, it’s an hour every day that’s free.  It stretches and strengthens the body, which is more than a massage does.  It helps stiff and sore muscles to release while increasing strength and flexibility.  On top of that, though I didn’t tell him about it, yoga has a spiritual effect in releasing pent up energy in your body as well.  I’ve heard a good deal about different poses releasing different emotional tensions in people.  I’ve seen that myself!  However, I’ve also noticed that it relaxes and energizes all at the same time.  When I did yoga daily, I felt less fatigued, even though I was working and communting for most of the day.  It really brings you to life and helps you find your zen.  I found myself closing my eyes while I was doing the poses today.  I found my mind clearing and I was in a place that I hadn’t truly known before.  I don’t know how it happened, but I needed that moment where my brain was no longer filled with fuzz and I felt at peace.  It was like having a moment to clean out all the cobwebs so I could breathe again.  I think perhaps that’s why I think it would be so good for Caelan.  A massage, that’s just pampering.  It feels really good, but in the long run it doesn’t do much unless it’s a regular thing.  However, I think yoga would do a great deal of difference in his life.  When we can afford it, he can add weekly massages for all I care, with his own spending money.  However, until that point, I think he needs something with a more lasting effect.

I’ve decided what I want to do with my life, more than just dance.  I’m thinking I want to learn yoga well enough that I can become a qualified instructor.  I want to learn and become certified in reiki practitioner.  I want to become certified as a Dianic priesess and then I want to start teaching classes on the Dianic tradition.  I think I may want to become licensed in massage as well.  I love costuming.  I love making jewelry.  I love knitting.  However, I don’t want to do any of those things as a career.  They’re just too much work to get the money it would be worth.  Instead, I’d rather find services that I can actually sell.  These fit in quite well with my vision of the community I’d like to build.  I could teach these classes to the public from my studio.  Perhaps I’d have a healing room dedicated to massage and healing.  Maybe I’d have a room without mirrors, more of a meditation room for yoga.  I might keep throw pillows in the room to be tossed around for class time, and I’d like to have an altar in the room.  Maybe I can turn it into a holistic center and keep a supply of herbs, oils, and essences.

In truth, there are three things that I think would be important to this community, at least as far as the public face goes.  I’d like it to have a holistic center.  The reason I consider dance part of a holistic center is the way people heal through dance.  Women become more confident.  They stand taller.  They smile more.  They’re less afraid of showing off their bodies.  On top of that, exercise is part of health and wellness.  The second part of the community I would love to have is a martial center.  I’d love for martial arts of all kinds to be taught there, including an archery range.  The final aspect I would like to see is a motherhood center.  I’m not sure what exactly that would entail.  I’d love to have a birth center as a part of it, but that would be provided that I could find midwives that would work there.  I would also love to have a center where mothers could come with their children with safe play space.  Perhaps we could work out some kind of low-cost childcare thing so the mothers could get together for classes, workshops, or social gatherings geared specifically towards mothers.  There’s a couple reasons I’d like to see this happen.  I would love to be able to have those resources

available to me.  I would love to be able to take martial arts in the community since it would be my way to honor my inner warrior.  I’d love to have a motherhood center too, not that I anticipate on giving birth to any more kids.  However, the idea of getting together with other mothers just seems so right to me, especially in this anti-child society we live in.

Honestly, I don’t know if this vision will ever come to pass.  I don’t know if I’ll ever have the strength to make it happen.  There’s so much I need to do, but I need to keep focusing on it.  If I keep it in my mind, it will find a way to happen.  I’ve had feelings towards such a thing in various incarnations for years.  I really need to set my head to it and start working towards it.  It’s something I’d like to accomplish while my kids are still young enough that they can enjoy the other kids they’d hopefully be around.

I don’t know if Caelan sees how much of a dream this is for me.  I don’t know if he realizes how much I want to make this happen.  The military won’t be my life.  It’s probably going to be his because he talks about all these things he can do when he gets out, but to be honest, he’s not exactly working on things that will make us an income when he gets out.  That’s something for him to think about and deal with.  Personally, I know nothing I can do will make enough to support our whole family, not if he’s just going to be dead weight.  However, if I follow that path, I can make it work.  There is money to be had in massage therapy.  There’s money to be had in reiki healing.  There is money in dance instruction and yoga classes.  It’ll never be enough that I’ll do anything more than get by, but that’s all I really need.  I don’t need to be rich, especially if I have community to support me if I have a bad month or a bad year.  If it comes to it, I’ll tell Caelan he can’t follow me on this path.  Already he’s at great risk of separation.  I can only sit by with his stangnation so long.  The major reason I’m letting this happen is I’m not yet in a position to leave.  I’m not in a position to get out in a financially secure way.  Until that happens, I’m staying here.  If I’m going to make an exit, I’m going to have to make a smart one.  I can’t just run away anymore, not with the children.  I need to wait for the right time, when I’ve built my independence.  In Caelan’s case, this makes him lucky.  My need has bought him time.  Until I’m ready to go, he’s got time to figure out what he wants and to turn his life around.  I’m going to be putting the money aside to get out and I’m going to keep it aside until I’m satisfied that he’s changed for good.  I’ll let that money continue to build.  Maybe Caelan will turn his act around.  Maybe he’ll take so long to show his true colors that I’ll have found a regular source of income and will be able to support myself without hesitation.  I honestly don’t know.  However, Caelan’s got to figure out what he wants from his life without the pressure of what I want out of it.  He’s going to do what he wants to do, whether I like it or not, so he may as well make that decision without blaming me for holding him back.

Thankfully, Caelan is already trying.  He came in for lunch complaining about the course, but it wasn’t angry and snapping like he had been in the past.  He just walked in, sat down beside me, and told me why he was frustrated in a calm, collected voice.  He let me deal with Corde and only snapped once when she kept interrupting him.  That’s about ten times less than his usual lunch breaks on a good day!  He didn’t get frustrated or accuse me of not caring when I started talking about something else.  When I told him I didn’t want to get the baby because it made my shin hurt to go up and down the stairs, he simply said, "You might have a hairline fracture," instead of griping at me to go to the doctor if it hurt so bad.  There was no asking about what was for lunch.  There was no complaints in my direction.  It was actually kind of peaceful.  I think if he can keep that up for the rest of the week he’ll be at a good start.  As Naomi used to say, "It takes twenty days to break a bad habit.  That means it takes twenty days to create a good one."  She’s right.  I think if I can get him past the twenty day mark with his efforts to recognize where his frustration is coming from and not misdirect it, I think we’ll be okay.  One tiny step at a time.  I actually thanked him for coming in and not snapping at anyone, and for placing his frustration where it was deserved.  I know there’s so much more that needs to be worked on than that, but at least attacking it one habit at a time will be a start.  I would like to give him until he gets back from the next deployment.  That gives me enough time to save up a good deal of money and form a plan.  Since he’ll be deploying, there’s no real reason I shouldn’t just stay here.  That’s going to be the beginning of next year.  That gives me an aditional year to build my financial security.  I’ll have a year and a half in total to figure out what I’m going to do.  I’m hoping that he continues to improve, but I’m not expecting it.  I’ve been hoping to long.  Now it’s time to start planning and take action.

Anyhow, I should get on with my day…so here’s some good stuff…

1) Pooka is sitting in my lap and purring.  Aside from the fact that she’s covering every inch of my clothing with fur, she’s finally becoming a lap kitty.  I can live with that.  I think being shut in the bathroom somehow did mellow her out.  I’m glad it worked.

2) Corde drew some really nice pictures today.  They’re still very abstract, but I’m glad she’s back to drawing.

3) I finally did yoga today!  I needed it.

4) Week five of my dance class is tonight!  I’ve comitted to it for over a month now and stuck with it.  Now that is some serious determination on my part.  I’m lucky if I can stick with most things for a couple weeks.

5) Caelan’s mood has greatly improved and he’s making an effort to change his attitude…like, a serious one.  It’s only one day, but at least it’s proof that he CAN do it.

6) We’ve had some rain the past couple days.  It’s been so nice.  Not only does it break up the heat, but it’s also such a good thing for my mood.  I love rainy days…

7) I went out to circle last night.  Aside from confirming my suspicions (that I don’t belong out there), I also got a good chance to drive on my own and listen to music.  When I got back I was sent to Walmart for toilet paper.  I think I seriously needed the drive time, the alone time, and the music.

8) I haven’t eaten out since

the way home from ESA.  Every night thus far has been home cooked…and we’ve even used the leftovers!  Granted, that’s not a whole lot of time, but it’s still something!

9) Caelan’s paperwork for specialist has gone in.  Hopefully he’ll be specialist within the next month!  That means more money coming in!  I know, money doesn’t solve everything, but it’ll at least be one step closer to no longer fighting about money!

10) Aris said "Bye" while he watched Caelan drive away today!  We all went outside to see him off back to work after lunch.  Aris turned to look at the car as it drove off and said "Bye!"  He then turned and walked that springy baby walk back towards the house, holding onto my hand for dear life!

~*~Raven Night~*~