Melancholy Wins In Straight Sets

November 2000: Melancholy Serves, 40-10

Two years ago i was down. i was turning 21 and i was lonely and i loved Justin and i was going to school and working and i was tired and stupid. Two years ago i had a dream of living in New York that seemed so far away that it only succeeded in depressing me. Two years ago i didn’t know what i wanted. i just knew that i wanted to live and be happy. Two years ago that wasn’t happening. But there was something to look forward too then. And that kept me going. That kept me living and hoping.

November 2001: Melancholy Serves, 40-30

One year ago i was tired and i was sick and i was going to school and waiting to be laid off at Bellsouth. One year ago the country had just been accosted and i was confused. i, however, had a dream of moving to New York that was real then. i had money and i knew i was going. i loved Justin but he was an abstract most of the time. He was this heartache far away that i allowed to haunt me. But i was also going to graduate. i was finally finshing school and achieving something. i felt good about myself. But i just couldn’t let go of my sorrow. But things were looking up. i was still lonely. But, i had Chuck and i had dreams to live for and a real horizion to look into.

November 2002: Melancholy Serves, 40-Love.

This year i used to have a dream. i tried it and i failed. i am tired and i am sick and i am working at fucking teletech. i do have my friends, but i am a not the friend i want to be. The thing with Justin is over, but i don’t think it ended as i planned. i like a boy that i don’t want to like.

This weekend reminded me that no decision i make is right. This weekend reminded me that i am too hasty and too intense. This weekend. i was offered a “promotion” to a different skill at work, and i think i should take it, but i will be separated from my friends at work. Maybe this is good thought because i am liking Him a little too much.

i think i am moving out on Thursday. i think this is good. i am so unsure of anything these days. i am so unwilling to let anything be definitive; thus, i am unwilling to let anything be happy.

But why?

Because once you think that things are good, you relaize you fell for the ruse of hope. That bitch Temptress. Because i am so afraid of that damn internal turmoil i have become so accostomed to.

Because it is in my genetic make up now. THis is emotional Darwinism.

“Drinking my vodka and lime, I look around, Leaves are brown, And the sky is a hazy shade of winter.