Dear Heart 2

God Fucking Damn you heart! i know it is nothing now, but i know you. i am with you all damn day long. You and your fancy emotions. So, just stop. Ha! i’ll teach you.

Tonight i found those little things that fill my little receptors. The ones that feel pain and worry! They will be filled with rainbows and daisies now. SOMA! So, heart, you don’t need to worry anymore…

No need to worry because now you’ll be numb again. Numb but feeling good because you’ll be beating that cadence of nothingness. The words for today: Casual Nilihism. Soma. Feeling like i am home again in that big cloud of void that i hunt for everyday.

i remember nights long ago: eating ramen wrapped in cheese slices. All of us there and drunk and we’d thought we wouldn’t even be 23. And now here i am going to that place…what it is called: nowhere. But it is all okay now.

Tonight i found myself again. In the smoke and the coffee and those beautiful pills. And i thought again of lines today. Lines written long ago when i slept with the window open… signs pointing the reaper to my bed. And all day at work i said them to myself:
A shout! A calling!
To midnights with shirts unbuttoned
and shoes still on
To stoli and old times
like black clove cigarettes
i won’t forget watching the moon
reflected in cheap wine and
dialated pupils
nothing else but waiting for
Death’s subway to come

And i was there and dreaming. But, again, what’s the point of that! Hope is futile. Why waste time hoping when you can waste time in Himmel Park being? Why waste time thinking of future when you can get lost in the clear russian beverage. Your true friend.

Why do anything these days? Everything ends in it’s own beginnings. Everything an illusion like love. Everything bearing down on you.

So, fuck all this. It didn’t even make sense. It never really does.

Up until the alarm goes off…and the time went no where. Reading too much Bret Easton Ellis. Thinking too ill. Less than fucking Zero. And i made the tape. Sure he hated it. Sure of nothing really.

This IS the Big Empty. This IS America. This is my life and i am sitting in the living room drinking Soma and thinking of the past.

When we were very young.

Oh, and i’ll bring the beers. i’ll bring the beers.

and i’ll bring the beers. i’ll bring the beers