Composite Sketch

i have been waking up early still, even though i go into work at 12 damn 30 in the afternoon. i loath working so late as all my friends have jobs which start early in the morning. But, whatever. i am creating a way to pay off some bills.

i have been waking up early, and today i read my horoscope, and one of its sentences read as follows: “you have to regularly pare away all inessential desires and enthrone the precious few that are really important.”

i feel like i want to ask someone what i think is important. My desires reside on a merry-go-round (or, an unmerry-go-round, as it were) and they are always swining in and out of importance. Somedays i am concerned with loneliness and desire nothing but someone to love me and be a companion in my life. A man to care about and who will care about me. Someone to watch The Godfather with. Then, there are days when i think that loneliness is nothing and i desire nothing because i have my books and my writing and what else is there. And it all swings around. What should i enthrone? What do i need more right now?

i am 22, and i hate making my own decisions. i hate wanting anything. what the hell happened to my nihilism? i think i need to look into that again.

One thing i do need is Soma. That and more Vanilla Stoli. That sounds like a good Ménage a toi.

So, do i try to talk to B or do i focus on Chuck, Don, Bret and Nietzsche. Do i look for a better job for better money or do i think only for being a student again? (which, by the way was something i truly loved.) Do i care about myself or not?

i want nothing and everything at once. What i am living is only a first draft of what life is supposed to be. It is an underdeveloped photograph. A sweeping representation of what i thought i would be. A composite sketch.

And so goes the (un)merry-go-round.

PS- Snipers, sometimes i think it is a shame that i do not believe in the death penalty.