Retractable

Last night i was sitting in my room talking to my sister and she asked whether or not i was thinking of going to see one of my grandmothers before she died. She’d been very ill (my whole life) as of late and we all kind of thought this was it. i sighed and said yes and then made plans to go see her then go to Flagstaff.

Not even an hour later my mom called me when i was on the bus on the way to work and told me that my grandmother has passed away about half and hour before she called.

So, she’s gone.

i feel very strange right now. i am sad. But, she has been sick for as long as i can remember, so it isn’t too big of a shock. And i feel guilty because i am here and not there… even though i am glad i’m here. And i didn’t see here before. i was never, ever close to her. She didn’t know me, and i didn’t know her — even thought i saw here a few times a year. Even though we would visit her when ever we went to New Mexico, i cannot tell you one thing about my grandmother’s true self. She knew nothing about mine either. But that doesn’t mean i am not sad.

i am sad. And i am waiting.

i leave on Monday, and i work tonight. Which means i have all of Sunday to spend here, but it seems almost like a burden. i feel like i need to have a plan to occupy every minute so that i don’t feel lonely. So that there is no time to cry. i am so nervous to be alone right now.

i have tickets to HAIRSPRAY today at 2:00PM!!!!!!! so, there is something. i hope to meet up with P today or tomorrow. But then what? i want to just sleep through this and get it over with.

As soon as i land in Phoenix, i will be whisked away to the funeral. i will be surrounded by my family and by mourning and greetings. And i already feel the lonliness in my bones.

What i need right now is my friends. Cofee and Stoli. A few smokes. Me and them and 5 bucks.

BUT– enough of this. i get to see Hairspray.

i fucking love New York City.