262,800 Minutes

Stuff.

Stuff is very strange right now. i feel like i am living on the edge of some deadline i just still cannot grasp the true concept of. And i am staying. i am going to stay here in NYC and see what happens. i am going to see whether or not i have the wherewithall. The strength. The ability. The. i look into the future. My future. i am seeing nothing but bleakness and sadness. Blah. Blah. Blah. But maybe i am painting a piture that is a little to dark. Not as things will be but as i see them. There are thousands upon thousands of people here who are living alone. Then they meet. This is how life works.

i don’t want to seem all melodramatic and mushy. i am trying to be less selfish. i am failing. It’s always me. me. me. When i should be glad for Andrea. Looking into a blank page and thinking “wow”. Still.

Today i dropped my keys into the subways tracks and two burly men had to get them for me. For a few minutes i felt so discouraged about life.

Today we went to see Chicago, and it was pretty good. Last week we went to a Yankees game (vs. Arizona, go fig.) i cannot do these things in Tucson. Here i cannot see my friends. But i can visit. i think.

i need to find something new to talk about. i’m sorry.

Something new… like work? i’ve been working so much. And there is more to come. Someone is quitting, so in the next month we’re all scheduled to work something like 64 hours a week. This sounds bad, but the security of knowning i’ll have money to visit if i want (or eat) will be good. Plus, all that working will keep me from feeling lonely. Maybe it is a good thing.

Here i am at this edge of things, and i don’t even know what’s good or what’s bad. Just what’s now. Now is that Andrea is not gone yet. Now is that i need to shut the hell up and stop being such a child. Now is i need to learn to not need people. That’s what everyone is telling me anyway. Now is this… and maybe this is good.

Damn it. i’m blabbering.