Shake hands and shoot smiles all around *E*

Wow, you guys. Wow. 🙂 I never expected such an overwhelmingly awesome response to my last entry. Thank you SO much. People may rag on OD all they like (yes, yes…guilty), but when it’s necessary, we all do seem to bond together. I received so many fantastic notes. All were incredibly, insanely supportive- and I can’t even say enough about that. It just means the world to me that even strangers that I’ve never met would drop by to leave me encouraging notes. I also received some anonymous notes and some private notes talking about some personal things. Several asked to talk about personal issues and several gave me the biggest compliment that I could have ever asked for. They let me know that what I said mattered. That what I had been through, that the fact that I put myself out there into the world to discuss my own past and my own issues helped them as well. And you know…when all was said and done, that’s all I ever wanted. 🙂 I promise you guys, I don’t talk about myself to whine about how miserable I was. I didn’t mention it to get sympathy or even just because I “needed to talk about it”. I guess in part that last sentence is true, but mostly I did it because I was completely triggered by something in the present that inspired me to turn that around in hopes that it would mean something significant to someone else. I wanted it to make a difference. As cliche as it sounds, as long as it made a difference to one person, I call it a success. I’m so willing to really lay my life out for everyone to see, as long as there’s a purpose.

I think that’s partly what I’ve been feeling lately. Being that I was so triggered by one thing in particular, it’s completely changed my life. Have any of you ever just been sitting at home, doing things as usual, and suddenly something…some outside force just gets into your head and you become so obsessed about it that it truly changes you for better or worse? For me, at first it was for the worse. I was completely down and out. I wouldn’t say I’m at all ‘recovered’ from this recent ‘relapse’ into my old ghosts and haunts, but now I’m looking at things a bit differently after about a month and a half of feeling like this. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I know I want to be significant. I want to make a difference. I want to KNOW that I’m making a difference. I also feel like maybe I don’t want to do this in a completely obvious way, like a doctor or a psychologist might. I still have no idea what this ideal thing for me might be, but I’m open to suggestions. I’m ready.

I think I have a better grasp on myself than I did even just a few hours ago, and that’s exciting to me. It’s always the greatest “ah-ha” moment when you can feel that flip switch on in your head and you know you need to act on something positive.

Also, I know I missed posting here on World Suicide Prevention Day, but I did post things on Facebook and Tumblr, so I feel like I got my message out. I’ll post them here as well, although most of you have probably seen everything already, as we’re friends on Facebook. This is a pet cause of mine that’s huge in my life. It’s one of the things that means the most to me. Just because the official “Suicide Prevention Day” is over, please don’t ever think you can’t randomly come to me if you need to talk. As I’ve said elsewhere (in notes? last entry?), my OD door is always open. You can also always come find me on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/melissa.teja).

The “Nobody Will Break You” things are actually very specific to a band ‘fandom’ I’ve been stuck in, so no worries if you don’t get that one. I am, however, considering “#910” as my very first tattoo in the future.

“I’ll be right beside you
I will stay
Nobody will break you…”

Here’s where that comes from, in case you’re interested:

I love you guys. I really, really do. <3 From the bottom of my heart.

**EDIT**

Lovely. About half an hour after I wrote this, everything fell to hell again. It’s hard to really feel good about yourself, despite trying, when someone insists on running down the list of everything that already makes you feel bad about yourself, including things you’re A, already working on changing that they can’t see or don’t know about and B, things you’re already ‘suffering’ with and are trying to deal with. No lies…I’m not doing so well at the moment. I’ll be ok eventually, but for right now, I’m really not feelin’ it at all. Fuck, fuck, fuck. (Sorry…)