Not Getting Better

Blah…things aren’t much better. I’m just….depressed. I hardly ever get depressed much anymore. It always seems like it’s just during that time of the month…everything seems to come crashing down. Everything….well okay not everything. Matt and I are still on good terms :o) Even then it’s like I get irritated with him because sometimes he doesn’t appreciate some of the things I do. Monday night he was complaining that that house was a disaster. Looking around it wasn’t a disaster, it was just cluttered. So I spent all day Tuesday(only went to my first class) cleaning the house. Once school is out it’s going to get another deep cleaning. Anyways, I did all the laundry and cleaned our room and did the dishes…all that fun stuff. The house looked really good. When Matt got home he didn’t say anything. It made me feel like crap. I just…blah. Anyways, besides that there’s school I have to worry about…which sucks so bad. I’m so behind in everything. I’m getting really depressed about my weight. I’m really tempted to not go back on my birth control and just have Matt use condoms. I’d really like to lose like 20-30 pounds before we try and have a baby. That would get be right to where I was a year ago and I’d feel a lot better. I just don’t know if I can handle it another two months. I’m anxious to see if it really has the effect I think or if it’s all in my head. While I’m thinking about it, I might run into town and work out, but I think I’ve lost my card, it was in my car last and….dunno if I have it. I just need a change. I mean I’m sick of doing the same thing every day. Every weekend is the same…nothing ever changes. I hate to go out because I don’t feel very confident about myself. Blah…
School sucks. I went today. Actually kind of understood Math. I might do alright on this chapter. I still need to email him about the last test. I took my Music test and think I did alright. Then I worked on my paper and still didn’t get it all done. So obvsiously I didn’t turn it in. Don’t know if she’ll take it Tuesday or not. Guess I could email it because the plan is to have it done tomorrow…
I hate this feeling. It’s like a while ago when I just felt blah…like all these anxiety attacks or something. I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry….sounds like a good idea!