I CAN’T THINK OF A GOOD ENOUGH TITLE

Yesterday I came home and I hadn’t eaten much during the day, so I had alot of calories left for dinner. (Not a WHOLE LOT, just more than usual.)

While I was getting dinner ready, I was so hungry, I needed a snack to get me through the next hour.
I quickly remembered my husband bought a box of STAR CRUNCH the last time we went to the grocery store.

I unwrapped that STAR CRUNCH cookie, and it brought back some good childhood memories.

I remember I used to LOVE me some STAR CRUNCH when I was a kid, and I actually enjoyed eating them.

The last time I had a STAR CRUNCH was probably some time in highschool, not because they weren’t available to me, or because I didn’t have the money to buy them.
 

But because I started becoming aware that good chocolatey caramely snacks like that "made you fat".

I don’t even think I enjoyed the last batch of  Star Crunch I had during my highschool days because of this.

And it has been the same with all my favorite food ever since.

I never really gave it much thought until I had that wonderful feeling of actually ENJOYING something I normally would not.

That delicious crispy STAR CRUNCH fueled alot of thinking, and honestly alot of sadness.

The  only reason why I enjoyed it so much was because I knew diet-wise I could afford to eat that  STAR CRUNCH and my dinner without ruining my calorie intake for the day. 

It was very sad to me, that all of this self consciousness and pressure to be skinny (FROM NOBODY BUT MYSELF, BY THE WAY) got in the way of all the simple things in life, like enjoying a STAR CRUNCH.

I remember when my husband and I stood infront of the little Debbie Snack isle, and I asked him if he needed any snacks, while crossing out the "SNACKS FOR LO" on my list… 

He stood there, and said, "What do you think I should get?" 
I looked down and I saw the STAR CRUNCH box and said, "OOOH! STAR CRUNCH!" He looked down at the box and said "Ok, help me find a small box." 

When I mentioned the STAR CRUNCH, it did not even cross my mind that I would get ONE taste of it. 
Just like all of his snacks, I help him pick out the chocolatiest, best looking snacks and I NEVER have a bite.

On the weekend, when we watch a movie together on T.V, and he brings out his bag of Hot Cheetoes and he asks me if I want some and I say, "NO THANKS, " I really DO want some, but my "FAT MENTALITY" has already programmed me to say no because junk food equals fat.

I am not perfect, I don’t always say no. When I do indulge, I don’t ENJOY the snacks because in the back of my mind, I feel like I am not supposed to be eating it. And there’s a little voice somewhere in there that’s telling me, "OOOOh, you’re going to get  fat!" I feel guilty for eating the snacks, and am miserable, so that’s why I choose to just say "NO THANKS" whenever I am offered something.

I started thinking about all of this, and it almost brought me to tears.

When I die, and my life is flashing before my eyes, I won’t remember snacking on cheetoes while sitting next to the love of my life while we watch a movie because I am vain and worry about a few vanity pounds.

My bmi calculations say I am slightly overweight, and yes, it would be nice to fit into a size 4 pant without having to go get them altered because I am short…

… but are these REALLY the reasons I want to be skinny? Did I enjoy myself alot more when I was 120 in 2008 just because I was skinnier?

The answer is YES.

I was more confident, and I never even thought about food.

BUT… Three months after those diet pills I gained my weight back, for that very reason, eating everything in sight because "I WAS SKINNY". 

And within three more months I gained even MORE weight.

I taught myself to eat more, and there I was at 160lbs and eating as much as I could.

So now instead of losing weight, I am working on away to eat and enjoy the foods I like. If I want to indulge on a big dinner, I’ll eat smaller meals during the day. Instead of snacking on chips, I’ll snack on strawberries, 1/4 of the calories. 

Instead of drinking coke with every meal, just drink water and have coke and have fun on the weekends.

And ofcourse save the calories for that day that I come home for lunch and order me a whole cheese pizza from Milano’s just for myself!