Into the Looking Glass Part II

For some reason it won’t let me post all of this in one post. Don’t know why. Anyway, here’s the rest.

 

 * I have been with. . . enough lovers – 1. Sex without emotion seems fun in the moment, but almost always ends up empty. I can wait. I am in my third run of not having had sex for more than 9 months since I became sexually active at 16.

* I love reading. I read in excess of 80 books last year, though much of that was due to free time at work. I never regret a good book.

* When I was in 7th/8th grade I spent about a year roleplaying in an online chat room called The Graveyard. Everyone who visited imagined they were a character from a gothic horror/romance. I was, of course, a vampire. I was charming, infuriating, and relied on the strength of my imagination and wit. So basically I was me. With fangs. I probably spent more time interacting with those people than I did with anyone in my life in that time period. Moving to Idaho was hard on me.

* I’ve moved an average of once every two years of my life. That includes four states: Hawaii, Washington, Oregon, and Idaho; four countries: Germany, the US, Belgium, and Japan; and a variety of in-town, in-state moves bouncing around between cities, dorms, apartments, etc.

* I have serious unresolved issues with my mother, who I love dearly, but whose negativity and criticism has been a sincerely negative influence throughout my life. I will never, ever tell her. The resolution needs to be internal, with myself. I think it would break her heart. She loves unconditionally. I learned to love from both my parents and the scars of my past are my burden to bear and work through. I didn’t even realize there was a problem until I was 25, so the fact that it’s only taken five years to vocalize it again isn’t too bad.

* You can tell how happy I am with my mom by the title I use. They range from Mama to Mom/ma mere to Mother to Mother Dear. My dad is always Dad.

* My favorite person in the world outside of my family, who I feel almost as strongly about as I do my dad, is my old dance partner. She was first a student, then an interest, then a friend, then my TA and dance partner. She helped me teach my class, paint my house when I sold it, listened when I needed her from another continent entirely, and is one of the most wonderful, loyal people I’ve ever met. She’s also reading this, and probably blushing. She looks good in red.

* I am not a morning person. The dogs and my 8-5 are trying to convince me otherwise, but I really, really like sleeping. If I could give up either eating or sleeping without ill effect, I would totally choose eating. How grouchy I am when woken up depends on how I’m woken. Mira woke me up this morning, but she was adorably cute and cuddly and just made me smile.

* I frequently have dreams with plot lines, characters, and full blown fantasy worlds. I usually am aware I’m dreaming while in the dream and take part both as an observer and player in them. The West Wind is the only story I’ve put down on paper that wasn’t inspired by a dream.

* Many of my dreams are so full of conflict that I’m not really certain I ever sleep as well as I should. It may be a contributing factor to why I like to sleep so much. Zombie apocalypses and being hunted by assassins both make their appearances. Post-apocalyptic mutants have their part too. Strangely, Zombieland and the Resident Evil movies are the only zombie movies I watch and RE 4 is the only game in the series I’ve ever made it more than 5 minutes into.

* That being said, I’ve only had 3 nightmares of note in my 30 years and a few more bad dreams that weren’t frightening.

<span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “>* When I close my eyes, I see green and blue behind my eyelids. Supposedly most people see purple.

* I keep a tent, sleeping bag, tarp, and tool bag in the bag of my Escape at all times. One of the things I miss most about one of my past “relationships” was going camping in the middle of the week even if I have to get up earlier to make it home to shower and get ready. Mornings don’t bother me nearly as much when there’s a reason to be awake or something to get done.

* I’m rarely this or that. I am frequently both at once, or this in some things and that in others.

* One of the secrets of getting me to do anything is to nod and smile when I stubbornly refuse, then wait for me to get used to the idea. It may take a few hours, or a few days, but in most cases, I’m pretty amiable given time.

* Rules are meant to be broken. . . by people who know the rules, understand the consequences and the risks, and are seeking to speak in their own voice.

* An it harm none, do as you will.

* If you have faith that can move mountains, but not love, you are nothing.

* I am a humanist. To me, that means that morality is intrinsic.

* As a friend once put it, there’s no reason why God would create a universe and set laws of physics in that universe, then flaunt them. If you believe in an omniscient, eternal, omnipotent deity, it’s perfectly reasonable to believe that he/it/she put things in order the way scientists have proven them to be. What reason would a timeless entity have to be so impatient as to create a world in seven days and design everything so it seemed older? I don’t mind faith when it doesn’t refuse reason, and while I don’t go, I even kind of enjoy going to church and figuring out what message is being conveyed between the lines. It’s tragic that so many on both sides think that the two are polar opposites.

* I have a tattoo, both my ears pierced and slightly gauged, and I am planning on getting a second, large and quite involved tattoo across my shoulders and down my spine. It is both aesthetic and rife with meaning.

* I want to live and work in England, just for the experience.

* One of my dreams is to be a published writer. Since my ideas come from dreams anyway, they tend to be written in an almost cinematic way. So my ultimate writing goal is to write, publish, and have movies made from my books.

* I want to be in a band and play my original pieces. I had a kid tell me I should put my songs on youtube once, and a group of random strangers came up when I was playing behind the theatre during a Music Man show and tell me how good I was. That was cool.

* Every time I’ve been on stage in the past year and a half, people have told me that I stole the show. I took part in two plays, one musical, and a short film that was, admittedly, terribad, but hilariously so. Theatre is less something I enjoy and more something I just do and do well.

* My favorite literary character is probably Lestat from Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles. He is unabashedly himself, always. Along with Sebastian from <span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “>Cruel Intentions, he’s always been someone I wanted to be like. Note that it isn’t their lack of a moral compass I admire. An ex once bestowed on me the nickname “The Brat Prince” because I reminded her of Lestat.

* Twice in my life I went from having no clue how to do something to being magically awesome after not attempting it for years. Sadly, neither of those things are very useful. One is the skillful use of chopsticks and the other some bad ass foosball playing. Not that I play frequently, but I’ve lost twice in since I was 18. (I generally think this means I’m not playing the right people.) =)

* Speaking of twos, there are two poems I memorized unintentionally when I was younger. “The Jabberwocky” by Lewis Carroll is one. One of the most romantic poems I’ve ever heard is another, from King’s Quest VI. . .

* I was a backstage technician for a magic show and ran a spotlight for an ice skating show when I was a junior in high school.

* I work to live, I’ll never live to work. I’d make a great rich person, because I’d use my imagination and impulses to bring smiles into the daily lives of people around me. I’m the kind of person who buys flowers for the bell ringer at a grocery store, a gas station rose for the unhappy acquaintance behind the counter at her gas station job, tips generously as long as I can afford to be generously.

* Materialism is not something I’m a big fan of. A guitar or two, my clothes, my computer and my books are the requirements for contentment. Vehicle is a necessity. Sailboat will be nice. Some art to make the room a little more pleasant. I prefer ephemeral, tangible experiences, more worth treasuring for their uniqueness and brevity.

* Diction is something I pay attention to, and I’m usually very aware of the possible interpretations of what I right. Sometimes this is fun. Sometimes it stresses me out.

* The stories I tell myself are often negative. It’s something I am trying actively to change. I worry about terrible things happening to people or things I love. . . sometimes I worry about coming home to one of the dogs flipping out on the other dogs and being injured. Things like that. These days, I am trying to catch myself and remind myself that those are good stories to tell.

* If you asked me to describe myself, I’d like to say I’m a realist. I’m really optimistic about some things and pessimistic and cynical about others. I have my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground and I’m aiming for the stars. The practical romantic.

* Zen is fairly important to me as a lifestyle, but not as a religion. I appreciate many of the concepts and need to find my copy of Zen Soup and sit down with it again. It’s wonderful to keep a beginner’s mind in all things, be compassionate, and let things be what they are. It’s also a challenge. A good one, I think.

* I always want to be a better me today than I was yesterday. There is always room for self-improvement and something to learn.

* Foreign languages are one of my favorite subjects to dabble in. I’m fluent in none but I’ve learned varying amounts of French, Japanese, German, Portuguese, Russian and the one I’m studying now, Spanish. Spanish poetry sounds awesome. Pablo Neruda. Inspiring.

* My top three character traits from that survey I mentioned a long time ago are Creativity, Love of Learning and Curiosity, and Appreciation for Beauty and Excellence.

* I have an incredible amount of self to explore.

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