BEING ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED…

"You work there? Wow, maybe you can fetch yourself a bule* boyfriend."

 

(*Bule: foreigner; in this case Caucasian – particularly Anglo-Saxon.)

 

I still get that a lot from some people. Honestly, that’s annoying. Why?

 

First of all, it sounds more disturbing than: "You work there? I bet you make a lot of money." Secondly, who the hell do they think I am? Ayam bule*? (*Ayam bule: ‘ayam’ means chicken, but this term is for local women who are intentionally and more than willingly after Caucasian guys in many ways, oftentimes in desperate measures to make boyfriends or/and husbands out of them.)

 

Well, it’s hard to ignore the fact that yes, I can be attracted to them too. No hypocrisy here. Yes, some of them are attractive – inside and out. Some of them even know how to treat women with decency and respect more than the men in my own country do.

 

Like this one British lad at work who walked with me one sunny Sunday after our brunch with other colleagues at Kinara, an Indian restaurant in Kemang, South Jakarta. When he saw me carrying some heavy stuff for Dad at home, he helped me pick up one bag and carried it all the way to our next destination (Laser Game, where we played miniature golf with the rest of other colleagues that day) without saying a word. I didn’t expect that, so I awkwardly mumbled:"Thank you."

 

I’m not saying that all Indonesian guys are jerks. (Thankfully, I grew up with the best ones.) It’s just that, unless they were brought up that way, I don’t get that a lot from them when I hang out with them.

 

No, I’m not playing damsel-in-distress here. If I can still do it myself, I don’t ask for help – not even from men. In fact, I seldom do (unless I’m seriously in the deep end.)

 

Some people tend to mistake that manner as my lack of need of men. But then again, it’s another thing about the socially-planted mind game. You have to have thick skin to survive and remain true to yourself.

 

Some people say that most Indonesian men still feel somewhat threatened and insecure by independent women. You know, women who have a better career, a higher salary, a higher college/university degree, and so on.

 

Sounds pathetic, huh? Unfortunately, a lot of stories like that are true here. More than once I hear young women like me being told not to show the world that they’re (too) smart and confident, or the men might take a step back and start having second thoughts about dating or/and marrying them. They say men like the idea of having a woman depend on them. That’ll make them feel powerful.

 

Because of that, many women sadly (choose to?) lose their way. They decide to start lowering their standards, pretending they’re not that smart and becoming someone else those men might prefer better. It’s all in the name of getting noticed, taken, and…hopefully and eventually, proposed. (The society isn’t helping by acting as if a woman – no matter how smart, successful, rich and independent she is – is still incomplete or a true woman without a man by her side. They even use religions/religious beliefs and values to bully these women into accepting – or should I say, submitting to – their ‘inevitable’ fate.)

 

That’s alright if they really want it. I respect personal choices as long as they’re not imposed on me in so many bloody ways.

 

However, here comes the interesting part:

 

Once a woman grows dependent on her man, he ends up giving her lame excuses whenever she asks for his help. ("I’m tired. Can we do this later?" – in hopes she’ll forget. "What for?" "Why are you being difficult?")

 

Difficult? Ahem. Excuse me? I thought this is what you wanted.

 

Again, it’s the world where double standard applies. Imagine a spoiled, selfish husband constantly demanding his wife’s 24/7 attention and services. For example: he demands his cup of tea/coffee served right away after he asks for it. The problem? His wife is either busy doing house chores (which he refuses to participate in, just because he still believes it’s a wifely duty even if she also works outside) – or feeding their hungry baby/child, while he’s just sitting around watching TV or – yuck! – smoking. Can he make his own coffee/tea? Yes. He just doesn’t want to!

 

And when she serves his tea/coffee (at last!), does he even say thank you? Ha! That miracle is a rarity. That’s a common thing in this country’s majority households/families.

 

My point is: it’s challenging to be yourself in this country, especially if you’re a single woman. In the end, it’s all about what men want. For them, a woman serves them because (they think) she has to. No need for kind words like "please" and "thank you". It’s like her unquestionable duty and fate. Ugh.

 

Unfortunately, if they’re doing their women a favour, they usually complain a lot, demand respect and acknowledgment – as if they’re already doing a huge favour and what (their) women want is an unimportant, meaningless tidbit.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate men. It’s just that there are many of them who still need to be seriously educated on how to treat women. I could be wrong, but I’ve lived in this country all my life. I believe there are still good guys out there; perhaps I just haven’t found the right one yet. It doesn’t matter whether he’s Indonesian or a foreigner. I just need one who can also be my best friend, treat me well, and let me be myself. I won’t settle for less than that!

 

So, who says being romantically-challenged is all about apathy? I wouldn’t be like this if they treated women like human beings, not some eye-candies or objects!

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R.