Life Changes*

I told a friend the other day who is facing stressful situations that she might have to make some changes in her life, & her reply was "OH I don’t want to do that, I want things to stay like they are" Well I’m not really sure if that’s possible as things change every day. No day is exactly as it was the same the day before. In her case, I believe those changes would actually be better for her, but then its her life, not mine.

What I have learned about growing OLD is that like goes on, things change, & we move forward. It might not always be as we hope, or what we have looked forward to, but if you wake up each day, be thankful.

This evening I’m writing my thoughts down in my dairy instead of paper. Its not a "poor me" party or not really a bucket of complaints either, more like a get it off my chest kinda thing. I wish I still had my best friends to talk to but I don’t so I have to learn to deal with life’s little problems. I’m so glad to have many friends here on my dairy that give comments, suggestions & comments etc & I cherish that with all my heart. My "forever friend" since Jr high school passed away about 3 yrs ago from MS. I miss her so much. My next best friend was my last x husband. We started out as "best friends" before getting married. We would just talk & talk for hours & he knew me more then anyone. He always seemed to have the rightsuggestions & it use to make me so angry cuz he was always so right lol However, he has remarried & no longer part of my life. I do wish we were still able to talk to each other like we use to, but I understand also. I have lots of good friends now, one of them being a very dear friend I have mentioned many times name Wanda who lives in Austin. But everytime I’m talking about something, no matter what it is, she just interrupts & tells me about her similar experience etc then I never get to finish what I was saying as we start talking about something else, or I forget what I was going to say & at times it has made me feel like what I say is important. She just does that with everyone, not just me.

When I was married to my x mentioned above, & things were bothering me I would go part under a nice shade tree & write my thoughts down on paper & give it to him to read later. Yes that was before I got my laptop. But it always seemed to help writing it down as something things didn’t seem so bad after I did.

Today at work while I tried to find something to do while being bored to tears, I was listening to the radio & it got me in a very emotional mood. The station my co-worker listens to is that old beer drinking county music. Its ok but 5 hrs of it is too much lol For awhile I got to thinking of my 2nd husband, the guy who raised my kids since I was married to him for almost 20 yrs because alot of the songs reminded me of him. But then they played Harbor Lights, which was one of my parents lights & I had tears in my eyes as I miss them so bad. Then on the way home, I saw a back country road & my mind went to the time Erik (best friend x hubby) & I went down that road & it was so much fun. So guess you could say it has been a day of emotions for some reason.

I think I really got off the subject that I was talking about which is easy to do when you have Fibro lol If my counselor that I use to go to was to ask me why I’m feeling sad today I would have to tell her. I feel sorta quilty being sad about things as I really doing pretty good. I have a place that will be nice once I get the boxes unpacked & things cleaned up. I am healthy most of the time, my car is running good & I have a boring p/t job. So why am I sad? Its the life changes that are getting to me.

   I use to have a better fun job, apt close to my church that I love, ice maker, dishwasher, plenty to eat, cable, vcr & tvo which ment I watch many tv shows that were recorded. Wanda & I went to the movies often & I loved going down by the lake on Town Lake in Austin. That was a few years ago. Now I have only one basic channel which is NBC so i have to watch whatever comes on there. About now my counselor would prob ask me what would it take to make things better so I can be happier like I use to be??

To get these boxes back in storage so I can clean up my apt and decorate. I will do that hopefully next weekend. To be able to watch all the basic channels including CBS, ABC, FOX etc. Not sure if that will happen unless I move as we can’t have outside anntenas here. To be able to have my desktop computer set up again as I use to spend lots of hours there for many years. Perhaps after I get the boxes off the desk I might be able to do that.. maby. Being able to use my computer would make me very happy again. Now see… sudden feeling of guilt just hit me as I thought about all those ppl who lost EVERYTHING in Oklahoma. And here I am pouting about my computer. 🙁

I would be happy if I could learn to not spend all my check within the 1st few days of getting it. I have spent 130 in a wee & can’t account for much of it. Yes I started out writing own everything but then forgot to do it. Now I have about 35. to last till next Wednesday. I’m still having to be careful when I go to the store. I have always said, if I ever won the lottery the 1st thing I would do is go to the grocery store and just buy whatever looks good, not just what I can spare that week.lol

I also realalize that there are millions of ppl who have it sooo much worse then I do. I just want to do something fun & feel happy & that’s just not happening right now. I often wonder what my best friends who are no longer in my life would tell me about now. I know what my Mother would have said. She would say, Oh quit feeling sorry for yourself… get up, turn on the radio and go clean up your kitchen!

So without that I am going to go do that after I go watch my flowers. Hope your Friday night is a

good one.