11/28/2011

Sometimes I watch that show, My Name is Earl, and it makes me think that I should write out some list and go make ammends with all of the people I’ve hurt in my past. Because, he seems like such a happy guy.

Then I remember that he’s acting. His name isn’t really Earl, and I was completely unwilling to do that step in AA.

Fuck it. I will just get my feel goods vicariously through a shitty tv show.

So, lately a lot of people have been coming out of nowhere and talking to me about my booze intake. People who I wouldn’t expect to talk to me about it. Some of my friends from California even, who I haven’t even seen in a few years, are telling me that they are worried about my drinking just from Facebook posts and when we talk on the phone or text or ANYTHING!

Plus my mom came over to my place and started crying, begging me to stop. Referred me to all of these programs.

I wasn’t trying to be a jerk, but I had to be real with her and ask her, "So what is going to make this program different from all the other programs that haven’t done anything for me?" …she still hasn’t responded.

She’s just worried because the vomiting blood thing has increased in frequency.

I guess I should be worried too.

But I’m not.

 

It’s weird because I used to wonder things like "Why me? Why am I so crazy? Why am I so depressed? Why would this happen to me?"

But then I realised that I can’t go too long being happy without finally just getting sick of it and needing to fuck it all up. I swear to god I feel better when I’m miserable. It’s kind of sick. But it’s what I’m used to. Like…some prisoner getting released after so many years locked up, and after a few months in "normal" society, realizes that he just can’t cope with it and wants to go back to prison.

It’s the easy way out.

It’s kind of like giving up I guess.

But that’s why I am going to just try to make as much art, music, and writing as I can before I go.

Burn out, don’t fade away.

And I already know I will leave a good looking corpse. Because I’m fucking gorgeous.

 

By the way, this isn’t meant to be a depressing entry. I’m ok with it.

I’ve been cutting back on the booze anyway. I’m getting sick of waking up feeling like shit every morning.

The anger is good though.

It’s the core of all the creativity right now. Like a coal engine. Just keep feeding the anger to the fire.

Fan the flames of discontent.

Fuckin-A