Bad words are fucking awesome bitches!

Attention: I can’t be held responsible for anything that has been typed out in this entry.

I admit that I was fully aware of my actions at all times during the writing process.

I admit that I have intentionally used an obscene amount of profanity.

I admit some of this was written on the toilet while I was taking a shit and simultaneously reading a biography on Robert Stroud.

I also take sole responsibility for everything that has been typed out in this entry.

 

…and if you don’t like it you can suck my dick.

 

 

Haven’t been able to sleep much.

Fell asleep at six this evening.

Woke up some time around nine thirty.

Now I’m just wired again. I even took two melatonin two hours ago and I’m just sitting here watching Stella. I have already seen all of this a million times, but hey…what’s one more time.

Thought I would get on here and see if any of my bookmarks have been writing…unfortunately only some of you even write anymore, and out of that small number I think only three of you wrote anything new today and I was already done reading it by like nine in the morning or something…I dunno.

Tried hitting the random button a few times…god people are fucking boring.

I’m not using this as an opportunity to say I am the end all be all source of Open Diary entertainment here or anything, but you would think with all the people on here there would be a higher percentage of people that have something interesting to say.

That’s why my bookmarks are my bookmarks…but you people are really letting me down here as we approach the one o c lock hour. Way to be selfish you guys. Think of ME here.

After all, I am the end all be all source of entertainment on Open Diary.

The facebook is stupid too, I don’t even want to go see what kind of a mess is happening over there.

You know, I hate facebook because it seems like it’s this place where people who you genuinely know and like become this whored out watered down version of themselves.

When I hang out with my friends, we actually talk to eachother and drink and laugh and do things. On facebook it’s this constant pitch. "LOOK WHAT I AM INTO!"

"OH MY NEW FAVORITE MUSIC VIDEO!"

"COME TO MY COMEDY SHOW THIS WEEKEND!"

"VOTE FOR MY BAND!"

"I AM CURRENTLY EATING AT -blank- VEGAN THING PLACE"

Dude, I don’t care.

If you want me to come to one of your fucking shows, send me a god damn text.

Are you inviting me out to lunch, or are you just making it known that you are this completely rare and unique creature that requires food as sustanance on a daily basis?

I’ve eaten chinese before too ya douche.

You want to show me a cool new music video? Well how about you call me up and let’s have a few beers and that can be one of the many things we catch up on.

God, facebook really kind of makes me not like my friends.

It’s supposed to be this place to get connected, and all it’s doing is letting me know how annoying and self absorbed everyone really is.

I started an account somewhere around a year ago, deactivated it for a few months, re-activated it just barely, and I’m wondering why the hell I did it…and the only reason I can think of is because while I am un-employed I am just suffering from some pretty massive boredom sometimes. Like right now for example…I can’t sleep so I am sitting here just typing about nothing, and I’m not even sure if it’s because I feel like I even have anything worth saying or if I just like to see how fast I can move my fingers across the keyboard.

It’s pretty fast by the way

My fingers on the keyboard.

It’s fast.

That do anything for ya?

Yeah…I know it does.

 

I need to get rich. I’m thinking I am going to start my own little gay web cam thing so I can jack off for all the naughty boys who love hairy man-child things with huge dicks and old man balls….because if I had to sum myself up in one word it would be "Hairy-man-child-with-huge-dicks-and-old-man-balls."

"Dane?" You might inquire, "I noticed you used ‘dicks’ in the plural, I think maybe those fingers are moving a little too fast, don’t you?"

"loser…no, I don’t. I know what I said. That’s right, dicks. That do anything for you? Twenty five bucks an hour to watch me ski pole myself down the slope of sexy you dumb faggoty bitch!"

"But Dane? Don’t you know that you can’t go around calling people dumb faggoty bitches?"

…

SMACK!

"How’s that you cunt dribble?" SMACK "And that huh?" (this is then followed by an inaudable muffled sentence and then some screaming.) "Keep the sock you dumbfuck, but your picking up my dry cleaning tab, these shoes were fucking expensive and blood is a bitch to get out."

 

profanity!

One time I had an english teacher tell me something along the lines of: profanity being a weak mind trying to express itself or something dumb like that…you know, the kind of shit that dumb people say to make themselves feel better about things.

I’m sure she heard it on Oprah or something.

Either way, I told her that at least my tits weren’t sagging and I weigh well under the three hundred mark and my sexual prime was still ahead of me and I didn’t have a bunch of dumb kids that tore up my twat and now I get paid a miserable fee to sit in a classroom full of ungrateful stupid ass little dick head kids like me.

Then I told her to fuck off.

Later on we had sex though…it was romantic.

 

I like to swear…I do. I really do. There are so many other words that I could choose from at any given moment, but I love the way "Fuck" feels rolling off of my tongue.

I love the show stopping bite of a well timed "Cunt".

Or even how the word "Bitch" can go from hilarious to degrading…depending on which side of the word you are on I suppose.

Sometimes, I like to just stare at the wall by myself and every so often let out a tiny, "shit…"

hahaha, see I even cracked myself up with "let out a tiny shit".

Get it?

I get it.

I understand the complexities of bathroom humor.

The subtle nuance of a fart.

I will tell you one thing that is not funny though…accidentally running into scat porn.

…there aint nothing funny about that.

Okay, wll there is, just not if you are really trying to just go for it though you know? I mean, REALLY knock one out of the park. Watching some girl play with some other girls shit tacks on an extra few seconds…seconds that I&nb

sp;could be spending on more productive things like, well, not masturbating.

I could finally finish that quilt I have been working on.

Or the double sided cat puzzle.

Lately I have been really into drawing squares, I could draw more squares!

Man…

I’m really bored.

OH! I KNOW

 

This is going to hurt all of you a lot more than it’s going to hurt me…so if you were bored enough to make it this far, you completely have my permission to jump ship at this point. However, don’t forget to clock out, and remember that we have a meeting on Thursday morning. Thanks, you’ve been great everyone.

 

SURVEY!

 

1. Do you know anyone in prison? Charles Manson mostly. Great guy, got a really bum wrap.

2. Have you ever logged onto a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush’s myspace? Only once and it was purely self defense…oh wait, no nevermind she logged into mine. Hahahaha…it was still self defense though.

3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? I don’t even know, I think it was a long time ago and I think my grandma made it for me and I think it was fucking A-BOMB DELIVIOUSCIOUSAAAAAH!

4. Do you have a desk in your room? I will answer this with a resounding MAYBE!

5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party? Yeah…a lot. Well, only fully naked a few times I think, but there were pools involved. It’s usually just like my pants come off…or my shirt comes off…usually one at a time. I don’t know why Rachael is with me. Penis is funny though.

6. What kind of car insurance do you have? allstate…are you in good hands? Hmmm, funny a black man would ask ME that, am I right? Am I right? No? …too soon? Whatever, it’s 2010, grow up you racist pricks.

7. Are you named after one of your parents or grandparents?  No I have some sort of dumb jew name about God judging me or something. I think it roughly translates to "Guy with an uncomfortably big cock." I had to get a penis reduction surgery actually.

8. Does your first significant other still live in the same town as you?  I have no idea where he lives. She…I mean. I don’t know where she lives.  

9. Do you throw up gang signs? Only when I’m out wif ma cru O da cole bludid KRAZZEE KILLAZ!@

10. Have you ever broken a rib? Only with my teeth. Pork. Famous Dave’s BBQ. Fucking brilliant I tell you.

11. Would you rather be a girl or a guy? Being a girl would be cool as long as I could still pee standing up. Oh, and wouldn’t have a period. Or boobs. Or be fucking retarded. Oh, I would also want to know how to drive…and I would also want guys to still respect me as a person and not an object. Oh, and I wouldn’t want to be obsessed with stupid shit…and I would want to still have my penis and adams apple. Oh, and I would want to be a dude.

12. Who is the most spoiled person you know?  Probably my older step brother…he’s just a wiwwle babeeeeeee isn’t he? Oh goober google googa you fat mother fucker.

13. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love? The cool part about a million dollars is that you don’t NEED love anymore! Why you ask? Because I would have dinosaurs. That’s right…FUCKING DINOSAURS! Dinosaurs with guns mother fuckers! Ever see Dino-riders? That’s what I’m talking about. Fuck America, Fuck the UN, Fuck North Korea…FUCK IT ALL! MY DINOSAUR ARMY AND I MEAN THAT YOU ARE ALL DEAD!

14. Have you ever had sex in church? Sex in church eh? Why would I even want to do that? Church is fucking stupid. I would literally rather have sex anywhere else, except for maybe church. Yeah, the only place I would want to have sex in less than church would definitely have to be church.  

15. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a marine? Yes…Rachael is a marine. A BIG FUCKING SCARY MARINE SO DON’T FUCK WITH ME!

16. Do you watch the Grammy’s? That would be a good name for a porn staring women over fifty.

17. Would you ever work for the border patrol? Depends on who’s border, you know what I mean? America’s? Probably not…any other country? Not a citizen, would never work out. I think that settles that.

…maybe Canada.

18. Which one word would describe your last relationship? <s

trong>Waste of time. Oh wait…that was three words, let me try this. Poo. Yeah. Poo.

19. Would you rather date someone 2 years older then you or 20 years older then you? Uh…hmmm. Those are really my only two options? I mean, let alone I could go younger…there is this whole eighteen year gap here that is just totally unaccounted for. This seems like an unreasonable question and I think the answer is: 57 remainder 2

20. Have you ever had an eating disorder? I used to have a really bad eating disorder, but then I want to this ediquet class and they taught me that you start from the outside in…now I think I eat in a much better order. I have also stopped starting meals with dessert, and have really gotten the hang of how and why the appetizer should come first.

21. Do you have a porn collection? I wouldn’t call it a collection. I mean, when I think collection I think of a bunch of dudes with comics and toys that they haven’t opened. All of my porn has been opened.

22. How many proms have you been to in your life?  Two, but they were both in self defense.

23. Have you ever been in a inter-racial relationship? Explain "Inter-racial" and while you are at it how about you explain "Relationship" smartass? Where do you get off? wHO DO YOU think you ARE??e?

…oh wait, I totally thought this question was about something else. Yeah, for a while I only dated latina’s.

24. Is your birthday on a holiday? The best holiday ever! MY BIRTHDAY!

25. Are you old enough to vote? I’m old enough to know it’s a waste of time. OH SNAP! How progressive of me…

26. What does your naughty bits looks like?  Like a baby holding an apple. Not just the arm though…that’s kind of the disturbing part. The entire thing actually looks like a baby holding an apple with both hands.

28. Do you worry about global warming? For a minute of seriousness here, I would like to care about global warming. It’s kind of a shitty situation we have created here, but at the same point I don’t see enough evidence that anyone out there is really trying to make anything better and the whole "one voice can make a difference" thing is a crock of shit. If there were enough outlets in my community to actually start helping this city get on alternate fuel sources and green technology, and if the news really seemed to not focus on oil at all times, and if I wasn’t still seeing ads for new cars that don’t even try to pretend to be hybrid let alone the hydrogen fuel cell that is already being put into practice in Iceland (Yeah…it actually works. Go green right? Talk is cheap mother fuckers.) then I would care…until then I am going to stick with my overwhelming apathy and just see everyone else in hell.

29. Do you like polar bears?  Only the ones in the old coke commercials, I don’t know any personally, I don’t think our personalities would really mesh though, what with the whole trying to eat me thing.

30. Have you ever been cheated on? Yeah yeah yeah blah blah blah. The past is the past is the past…and to keep it that way, how about you hand me that hhhhhwhiskey over thaar?

31. What kind of birth control do you use? A quick punch to her gut right after…oh, and pulling out. Oh, and she has an IUD. She keeps telling me I don’t have to punch her in the gut like that, but I just laugh it off…her sense of humor is so cute when she is crying.

32. What slang word(s) do you call marijuana? I call it the Dirty Sanchez. Or maybe that’s what I call the poo mustache. I always get the two confused.

33. Are you an atheist?  You know, I used to be…but one day I stopped going to Atheist church and I’ve been a lot happier.

34. Did you lose your virginity to a neighbor? Sure, why the hell not? Let’s go with that. What a weird question. You’re weird man. Why, did you?

35. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true? No. When I was a kid I wanted to have DINOSAURS WITH FUCKING GUNS ON THEM! GOD DAMNIT! I don’t ever get ANYTHING I want! FUCK!

36. Do you wear your sweetie’s clothes? Hahaha…she reads this so I am going to plead the fifth…

37. What’s your opinion on gold diggers? It was still good, but not as good as the first or "The Spy who shagged me".

38. Are you a country or city girl/boy? <sp

an style=”color: #ff0000“> Are those really my only two options? I don’t think I’m either. I’m a drunk.

39. Is your car a 2002 or higher?  I have no idea.

40. Do you floss daily? I floss when I can remember to. Damn…I just remembered why I stopped doing these things. Yeah, it killed some boredom but mostly just annoyed me.

 

Who writes this shit?