Honestly…

If the only thing about life that is fair is that everyone has a hard time, then fuck fair. I want to find a way to cheat. I know there are people out there who have figured it out, and I just want to be let in on the secret.

My girlfriend has been working so hard since I lost my job. Seriously, she is putting in so many hours. And yeah, I watch Echo every day and clean the apartment and cook and make sure she doesn’t have to worry about anything but work, but honestly…she had tonight off, and all I wanted was for her to have a great night, and it just kind of seemed like everything went wrong.

I mean, nothing I did, it seemed like everything we attempted had some sort of glitch.

I hate not having a job.

It’s been over two weeks since I was laid off, and I mean…yeah, taking care of a kid and cooking and cleaning, and basically house wifing it up is not an easy task. And yeah, it saves money on a babysitter until school starts and blah blah blah…but I still feel like I could and should be doing more.

It sucks…

I want to do everything for her, and lately when she is not working, it seems like all she has time for is sleeping.

I hate that.

She needs to have some fun too.

Since we have been official and moved in together, it seems like we have been faced with so many hardships. And she is an old friend of mine, she is my best friend, we are a great team, we are conquering all of the challenges we are being faced with. But, I mean, is it too much to ask to have one night where it’s possible to relax, and just enjoy the pleasure of doing nothing with eachother?

I keep telling her that things are not going to be this hard forever, and I truly believe that.

We started dating at some pretty sever transitional phases in our lives. These challenges are pretty much just par for the course that we are playing on, and honestly I know neither of us would be able to tackle these things so gracefully if we were both on our own.

I know this will pass…

But, I’m not looking for a quick fix.

I’m just asking for one night where we can both forget about the world at large, and just get caught up in the moment of the here and now. How much we love eachother, and how great we get along, and maybe even feel invincable. Even if we are not invincable, we should be able to feel that way for a few hours.

Tonight she cried…

She is so tired, and we are both working so hard…

Echo is at her dads, and we had a night alone, and without going into any details, it seemed like every single thing we attempted to do on our night alone was met with some sort of mishap.

It was nothing either of us did.

But the mounting pressure just got to her.

It got to me too, honestly.

But I can’t let her see that.

I can’t let her know it bothers me…I know she will read this, and she will know it does later, but in the moment I’m not going to break.

I am a strong person.

I have come through a lot.

She has too.

But the truth is that I feel some sense of duty to make sure she is taken care of.

Feels safe.

Feels like everything is going to be okay.

And it honestly will be.

That means, that regardless of how I feel at the moment, I need to keep my composure and keep in mind that in the long run everything is going to work out. Because I really know it will. I have never felt like this in my life. Not about anything or anyone. And I am having to really keep in mind that a passing moment is nothing more than a passing moment.

I have to be strong.

Fuck…

This entry is not funny.

It’s not a "poor me" piece of shit.

It’s not trying to talk about how shitty my life is, or implying that my girlfriend is weak.

She is probably the strongest person I know.

I just never thought I was strong.

I always thought I was this loser, addict, piece of shit.

Some sort of joke.

But honestly, she brings out the best in me.

She hasn’t set out to save me, or to show me that I am worth something, or to prove anyone wrong.

She hasn’t even tried to change me.

She is just the catalyst.

For reasons that I can’t really put into words, she has made me want to be strong. She has made me want to be great. She has made me want to be everything to her.

She is everything to me.

I have known her for so long.

There was a period where we didn’t see eachother for a few years. We had never been romantic, although at a young age I had a crush on her, and her on me. But when it came to realization, it’s just amazing.

Bleh…

This entry is just mostly to vent.

She got sad tonight.

Sad and worn out.

And honestly, I would rather have her mad at me than sad.

I guess I just needed to let out that I think I should be doing more. I’m not sure what. Just more.

It makes me sad to see her sad.

I never thought I could love someone this way, let alone love her little girl the way I do.

…

It’s going to get better.

It’s going to be easier.

I’m just impatient.

I need to work on that, I know.

But if I had it my way, she would never be sad. Seriously. Never.

I’m not trying to be sappy.

I just found what I was looking for…

…the funny part is that I wasn’t even really looking when I found it.

 

Hmm.

 

haha.

 

Actually, that kind of sounds like a pretty big break to me.

 

Goodnight OD land.

 

-Dane