My life as a dog wearing a tie.

Five year olds are fucking weird.

They are kind of like people, almost.

They are smart enough to articulate some of the ideas floating around in their head…and yet they still shit their pants…which, by the way, is seriously SERIOUSLY not cool.

I mean, if one of my friends shit their pants it would be funny because I am not the one who has to clean it up.

Take, for instance, what happened to me about three months ago; I was out on a bender with a few of my friends, we are at some bar trying to play pool, but to me there seemed to be twice the amount of balls on the table and I kept dropping my stick…it was a good bender. Anyway, so there we are in this crowded place, and we are all being loud and obnoxious, and then out of nowhere I sharted.

I started laughing, and informed my friends I sharted, so we escaped into the parking lot while one of my buddies handed me leafes to whipe my ass, and another friend kept look out.

But apparently we were laughing too hard because some stupid guy in some stupid apartment (what is an apartment building doing over a parking lot anyway? The city planner as some issues. I mean, who does that in a world?) had to open his stupid window, followed by his stupid mouth, and then…get this, while he is SHOUTING at us from the third story, HE has the NERVE to tell US that WE are being TOO LOUD!

What the fuck?

Hypocrit.

But the moral of the story is that, after I was done cleaning my ass with an assortment of leaf’s, we were able to go inside, and in the next 40 minutes finish that game of pool we had started hours before!

 

…seriously though, cleaning up shitty panties is fucking gross.

I don’t care if people say, "It’s just what you do blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"

Yeah, cockface, I know it’s just what you do…that’s why I did, BUT IT’S STILL FUCKING GROSS!

Like, vagina’s are just something I do…but when you think about it, they are this flesh hole that secrets fluid all day long, and bleeds non stop for a few days every month, and babies come out of it. I mean…I do vaginas but they are kind of gross. Not fucking gross…well, hahaha, maybe they are "fucking" gross.

See what I did there?

 

…

 

So, I hate facebook.

I joined facebook around december of 2009 because the peer pressure was too much and I’m a sissy.

After about a month of it I had already pissed off a considerable chunk of my family so I deleted them all.

After another month I had considerably pissed off an ex girlfriend through facebook, which in turn pissed off a bunch of our mutual friends…so I deleted them all.

Then, a group of people pissed me off, so I deleted them all.

And I realised I shouldn’t do this whole "social network" thing because…I hate almost everyone.

ESPECIALLY my friends.

My friends are dirty rotten bastards, every last one of them.

But I do run the Dane and the Death Machine page through my "FB" as the cool "FBers" call it, so I can’t just delete my "FB" "ACT".

So instead I came up with a solution:  I became a dog wearing a tie.

I would show you my current picture, but I am not sure how to upload pics on here straight from my compooter and I can’t save the image lokaceon asl;djfk;laskdfj;lskdjfl;askjdf

Anyway.

I’m a dog in a tie now and it’s fucking fantastic.

All of my responses to people are like this: Bark Bark ( I dunno about stuff like that, I’m just a dog. Do you have any beggin-strips? )

And so far, the remaining friends I do have are so completely confused that I have affectively alienated myself.

I have had a few people ask me "IRL" (that’s another cool thing to say when you are on the internets, it means In Real Life. WOOO! I hate saying words, letter are so much easier!) what is up with the dog thing…and I don’t really have an answer for them.

One night I was drunk and probably stoned and I found this picture of a dog in a button up shirt and a tie, and for whatever reason, at that moment it was probably the most hysterical thing I had ever encountered.

I then realised there is an entire world of dogs wearing ties out there on the inter-google and after that, this calm just came over me as I understood what had to be done.

It was, no, IS my destiny to be a very smart looking dog wearing a tie.

If I was just a regular dog not wearing anything, no one would believe I could get on facebook.

But since in my picture I have a tie, and glasses, and a globe…oh, and a cornflower blue button up shirt, people look at me and say, "Now there’s a dog who is doing things".

 

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Hahaha, I wrote a lot about poop today.