It burns a hole through everyone who feels it

You’re never gonna find it if you’re looking for it

it won’t come your way.

 

What the hell am I doing?

It’s almost noon and I am just scraping myself out of bed

It took me a minute to even figure out what day it is.

So now I crack a beer and slit my stomach open and spill my smelly wet disgusting guts all over the internet

I’m such a shit show.

I don’t think I can do this anymore.

I wish someone, fucking anyone, could just for one moment have a glimpse into what I feel like.

What this entire thing feels like.

The thoughts, and the regrets, the guilt, the craziness, the not eating, the drinking too much, the smoking a pack a day, being broke, being so in love and hating the thought of it, being incapable of getting close to anyone else, the meaningless sex, the fake laughter, talking bullshit to people because you’re too afraid to actually say anything real to them for fear of being rejected because you have been rejected so many times in your fucking pathetic joke of a life that at least if they reject your bullshit…you know it was all just bullshit anyway.

"Why are you acting so naive infront of me? It seems you only go as deep as you can with dry knees…"

I have to go to work soon, I should probably eat something I guess…I don’t remember the last time I ate.

I think it was thursday, I know I didn’t eat yesterday…I think, I dunno. Yesterday I am actively trying to forget.

I got home after my sister and Amytronikkk dropped me off from my friends farewell party…which ended with my friend almost coming to blows with I think his little sisters boyfriend…I’m not sure who the guy was exactly though…and I got in my elevator and started going up to my floor, and I just lost my shit and started banging my head against the walls of the elevator as hard as I could and just screaming…

why the fuck did I think I could go to a party anyway?

I am not even sure when the last time I went to one was, but I remember hating it…and I hated this one.

I always think I’m having fun at first…and then it’s just…

nhahahahah, a shit show I guess.

 

Fucking christ.

I am truly just a monster.

I used to tell people I was going crazy

and it was true

but now it finally happened.

I think I should delete this diary

and my facebook

I think I need to just cut myself off.

This is too much.

What the fuck?

WHAT THE FUCK?

The truly awesome part is that there were so many good things about yesterday….

honestly

Pretty much until the sun went down I was having the best day of my life.

I couldn’t even believe it

Literally I was just…I felt like things were okay for a minute

I thought things were better than okay.

I was fucking flying

it was amazing.

And then….

I don’t know what happened…but whatever it is inside of me that needs to be killed…that fucking mess came up.

hahaha, actually I know exactly what happened now that I think about it.

I tried to put a fire out, but I used gasoline…

Fuck.

 

I don’t understand peoples objections to my thoughts of suicide.

I really don’t.

What the fuck am I contributing to anyones life that they care if I am here?

Like…my mom the other night called one of my friends to see if I was with them (my phone is shut off right now) and she was just sobbing telling me how much I am hurting everyone and how an addicts life just leaves this wake of destruction in the lives of the people that care about the addict and blah blah blah…and it was like, "NO SHIT! SO JUST FUCKING LET ME KILL MYSELF!"

because other people are great too, but my mom is the reason I won’t do it.

I think about how much pain it would cause her and I can’t do it.

I hate hurting people

and I hurt people all the time

that’s why I hate myself.

I just wish she would somehow come to an understanding…realise that I am in so much pain, and most of it is because of the pain that I have caused other people, and it’s not ever going to be fixed.

It will never go away.

I will never be okay.

And honestly it’s because I don’t deserve it…every time I get close to something good I have to fuck it up, because I don’t deserve anything good.

And people try to talk me out of it…but they have no idea what the fuck they are talking about.

Not everyone deserves to be happy, it’s not an essential right that every human has.

When you have fucked up this much.

When you have destroyed people for your own gain

When you have just been a downright dirty fucking bastard…

You need to pay for it.

You need to pay a penance.

And you usually have to pay more than what you actually dished out….because actions last forever, you can never take them back.

So maybe I actually can’t kill myself.

Maybe I have to live this life of pain…I am going to have to stay here, in this body I hate, and deal with it.

Deal with all of the people who will never actually know me

who will never care about me.

Only one person truly knows me…and it’s sad because it means she knows how ugly I am.

No one will ever know me again

That’s probably for the best.

I am never having sex again.

I will never be with anyone again.

I don’t want to.

I don’t want to do it to another person…and honestly I don’t want to put myself through that either.

"Well if I’m a liar and you’re a thief, at least we both know where the other one sleeps…so let’s end this tonight."

 

Sorry

even just trying to talk about shit like this makes me feel like a self indulgant piece of shit, and I’m sure it just pisses people off….

just remember this is not depression

this is something else.

Self hatred.

 

He seemed like an awesome, great guy.

Good luck.

I’m out.

-Dane