Dane G. Russ

January 13, 2010

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So they say… (edit)

They say in Heaven there’s no husbands and wifes…

Please…for the love of god please…take me back to your bed
I miss you so much that it hurts my head
I won’t mind you under my skin, I’ll let the bad parts in…
When you and I were made we were set apart

And if this fucking brutal life is a test…well, I’m getting bad marks

And now some saint has got the job of writing down my sins…the storm is coming

…the sorm is coming in.

I miss her so much.

I can’t get her out of my mind.

I dream about her.

I think about her all the time.

I wish I could go back and change everything, but the truth is honestly that I wasn’t worthy.

I’m not worthy.

I am so fucking ugly, and dark, and mean…

I can’t put up with myself anymore.

I wish I could have just treated her right…held her like she needed to be held, treated her like she needed to be treated, loved her like she needed to be loved…but I’m starting to think I am incapable of that.

I am the true definition of a monster

I am what they write scary stories about.

I am the man that parents warn their children about.

I am the great manipulator

I am resurecting myself every morning just to kill myself again at night over her.

I can’t let it go.

"Two years spent apart, I’m finally home…I will never love this greately once again."

The best part is she feels like I never loved her

hahaha

She really does

and I can’t blame her

and I loved her more than anyone in the world

More than anything in the world.

I gave her everything I had, and the really REALLY sad part is that everything I had to give was not good enough for her…or for anyone.

I am such a fucking loser.

I am so fucking pathetic.

I’m just done trying…

I’m just done.

I give up.

I concede.

This world has beaten me

I am down

I’m not getting back up.

It’s futile anyway.

Every single thing I set out to acomplish I fail at…

It’s become a really dark comedy.

I guess I’m just not in on the joke.

I’m so sorry…

Amanda, I am so sorry….

God I wish I was someone, anyone, else….

Maybe next time.

(edit)

I just realised for the first time that what I am doing to myself…dismantling myself…it’s all just the penance I have to pay. I guess that’s why I have always been so okay with it. The things I have done to others, I must now feel and do to myself ten fold.

What’s fair is fair.

berry143

January 14, 2010

it seems from the trail of tears that ive seen here over the months…. that maybe amanda still loves you too. just sayin

killyourself345

You should meet someone new who is awesome and once you start banging you won’t care anymore. That’s what I do.

ryn: actually i wrote that entry 2 years ago – i just reposted it since the link wasn’t working anymore, sorry about that. but i used to think i deserved all my pain too. i’ve come to found that those that suffer the most … are usually the ones who don’t deserve to suffer at all. just a thought…

intoxicatingbeauty

Why would you say goodbye that way? Do you realize how much what you say, how you feel, the suicidal remarks hurt me? And hurt everyone?! People care dane. Stop. Please

Tea Rose Diner… 1pm… Sunday. I will be there. If you want to be too then come. Ill be having breakfast as usual, and a pot of #6-8 yellow curry for you.

that’s not fair it’s stupid. sometimes we don’t accomplish anything we set out to do because we set out to fail. it’s easier to sit in the background and have excuses to why you hurt, why you must hurt yourself and admittedly not be good enough, but you’re only not good enough because you don’t want to be. if you’re good enough for someone else then you’d have to admit that you’re good enough

period, & i don’t think you’re willing, or wanting, to accept that fact, not now & never before, but (if youre ever going to feel better) you better make sure that you are willing in the future or THIS will be your future, and you are not only deserving but fucking capable, so get off your ass, get these stupid fucking thoughts out of your head because the Dane I know isn’t pathetic.

January 15, 2010

CHEERS! to the above messages

Salutations Dane. I fell off the face of the earth for awhile myself. This is the first time I’ve been on this site in a couple weeks. Dude, I’m sorry but that’s an illogical form of justice. The criminal is not worthy of meting out justice and therefore cannot adequately punish himself for his crimes. Also no one is capable of fairly evaluating themselves: everyone either goes with

the ego and pats themselves on the back, or goes to the other extreme and in a form of reverse egotism, paints themselves much more evil than they are. THe truth is we are all a lot closer to the middle of the road than we want to admit. Not so spectacularly evil, and not all that great either.